People who don’t ask questions

Well it’s all about the question and the context. For example if someone I knew had been unwell I may ask “how they are going since coming home from hospital?”a bit vague and open ended but not like “is the catheter coming out soon”. Hypothetically if f I don’t ask then I know they need a casserole dropped around. People would never ask for something like that out of the blue. Plus if they are feeling better I want to know that. If they don’t want to go into detail they could just say “fine thanks”. I think a lot of posters are focusing on extreme questions not what people typically ask. It isn’t the Spanish Inquisition.

Not really, people who yammer on about themselves at the slightest prompt, telling you everything there is to know about their lives, their family, their jobs, their pets, but who don't ask a single thing in return, and in fact act disengaged if you try and talk about yourself in any way.. are NOT painfully shy or socially awkward (I couldn't say about ND).

I can tell straight away if people are shy or socially awkward, we have a few in the family, for those people I don't mind leading the conversation more, giving prompts here and there so they don't find themselves in the awkward silence mode that really hinders their confidence and makes them withdraw.

It's the people that just love to talk about themselves and can't even feign being interested in other people I have issue with.

You're allowed to find behaviours rude or difficult to deal with yourself though.

You can have a preference without referring to everyone who doesn’t fit in with that as rude or whatever though.

I don't think it's necessarily a judgement, you can't help but have a preference for the sort of company that works best for you.

This thread really shows how quick people are to assume the worst - someone can’t possibly be ND, or painfully shy, or socially awkward - they’re written off as rude or selfish or ignorant instead.

Yes you can surely say to someone you know do you mind if we don’t talk about that or, bit of a nightmare but I’ll not bore you with the details.

I have a friend who, when with her husband. Is like this. So at a Christmas meal my husband asks then what are you doing for Christmas- nothing. But you are doing something you are having a quiet Christmas with the two of you and your children , can you not say that? It’s just the back and forth of conversation . He tries one more question then gives up. which is two more than I tried on that occasion.

I think it is practice though and the acknowledgment that you pull your weight in a conversation, perhaps made easier by me having endured business where I am between people I have never met before and you have to both help the conversation and joining meetings with colleagues all around the world .

This is one of the problems though I think.

To me the better way would be, 'she's had a couple of issues, but I'd rather not discuss as they are hers and she wouldn't want me to talking about her' most people are sensible enough to pick up on the fact that you don't want them probing too much.

OR just ignore her issues completely, and talk about anything else positive in relation to her 'She'd doing great in this etc' or 'she's been here lately and done this etc' or 'she's been thinking about what to do in the future etc'

'fine' is such a conversation killer, which makes it sound like you can't discuss ANYTHING about your daughter, but then you don't bother asking about their kids either in case they circle back to yours!.. you could literally be my sibling, it's such hard work navigating what you can actually talk about and when they don't ask you anything either it's bloody hard.. if you just start chatting shit about your kids you get nothing back.. so that is a topic completely off the table.. and it is a massive part of your life.

How's DH? 'fine'
How's the kids? 'fine'
Work okay? 'fine'
Been up to much lately? 'not really'
.. sit's in silence, not asking anything in return..

And she's the one that's come round "for a chat"!!

I much rather close family members say they don't want to talk about something, or avoid that particular thing than pretend everything is 'fine' and shut the conversation down, it's the reason I am really close to one sibling and not the other.. we don't tell each other everything, but there's no pretence that everything is fine when it is clearly not.

I think it’s all sorts who don’t ask questions. It’s not the questions exactly, it’s the lack of listening or engaging too.

For example I could say, “How is your dd’s gap year going?” and I hear all about it. Then I might say, “My dd has just set off too.” Silence. Tumbleweed rolls across. I would probably then turn the conversation back to them to avoid the awkwardness but it’s flippin’ annoying!

Why would that be weird? "Class thing" means it's to do with your class.

It 100% makes sense to me why it would be upper working class and lower middle class who don't want to pry. We are the "keeping up appearances" classes. Asking a personal (as in family, home, car, holidays) question, even one that seems innocuous, might put the other person in the position of either having to admit to something they feel reflects badly on them (probably to do with less money or achievement than they think is expected of them) or having to be less than truthful.

I find this soooo strange too! A mum friend is the same, and a former colleague I stopped seeing for this very reason. It actually becomes quite tiring trying to keep conversations going when it’s so one sided. The last time I saw said colleague, I decided to stop asking any questions and it was mega awkward as most of the time we sat in silence

That’s weird cause if it’s a class thing, I’ve definitely noticed it’s more the working class who never ask questions!

I've trained myself to do this stuff relatively well, but what the "convrsation has to be done my way or the highway, and anyone different is just fucking rude" posters don't understand is 1) it's fucking exhausting, and 2) if I'm doing a sparkling interested in you thing, you aren't talking to me at all. You are talking to my small talk algo.

The algo is handling the "here's an interesting but neutral question, now they've said X so ask about Y" part while I'm somewhere behind and all my attention is on arranging my face in the right expression, doing the right amount of eye contact, remembering facts you told me last time so I don't ask the same questions this time.

It's fun and I enjoy making the connection, but it's fun like, say, a game of high end football is fun, where what you are enjoying is your ability to predict next moves, react fast and play the game rather than having a laugh with your team, and even if you are excellent at it maintaining that focus at speed for hours at a time will utterly drain you.

If I have a day with a lot of this I will come home absolutely, brain dead shattered.

I do it because people are important and I do value them, but the aim is to get away from "I ask a thing, you ask a thing" and into "hey I read/saw/heard a thing I think will interest you" and "how's it going with that thing I know is important to you right now?"

So, when you get high and mighty about people being selfish for doing social chit chat the "wrong" way, remember what you are really asking is that they bend themselves out of shape to be a shape that you personally find more pleasing. Kind of selfish there as well, no?

Totally agree. I only mix with people who show some degree of interest. I get sick of listening to others go on and on about their lives and never pausing for breath to ask about my life!

Totally agree. I only mix with people who show some degree of interest. I get sick of listening to others go on and on about their lives and never pausing for breath to ask about my life!

I totally agree - it drives me mad. So many people are like this. I think it might be a lack of social skills. Consequently conversation is limited and quite frankly boring. Whenever I meet up with people I think about their Iives and what's happening for them so that I can ask about them but that's never returned.

I think I'd have to try and reframe it in my mind as me doing them a favour now and then, even if I don't get it they must be getting something out of doing this. To me it's not socialising because socialising for me has to be reciprocal and you're not getting anything back.

It's also fine to take a step back if you don't want to do this.

I hate this, when you leave a conversation knowing everything about the other person and you’re thinking, ‘ I’m fine, thanks for asking’! So rude. I just don’t bother again.

There’s some serious paranoia going on if “did you have a nice Christmas?” Or “how was Derbyshire “ are seen as outrageous intrusive questions 🙄 unless you are a spy or on the run I guess.

Asking someone questions eg,what there're doing for Christmas, have they ever been to Spain, is not prying!

I find it shocking that some people are so utterly IGNORANT that they only talk about themselves.
They are rude .

I've watched a group of people take it in turns to talk about themselves and not acknowledge what someone else has said, let alone ask questions.

Our late Queen was famous for asking "what's keeping you busy? "

Does anyone have a suggestions how to socialise with these bores?

How are you?
How's the family?
Have you seen so and so lately?
Where did you get your dress?
Are you watching ----- on TV?
Surely these are the sort of questions you ask people who you know when chatting 🤷‍♀️ None intrusive, just showing interest in some ones life.
!In other words, communicating

Incidentally, what was the dynamic like between them growing up OP? And what are their parents like? Sorry if you've mentioned this but even though I have RTFT I've forgotten who's said what and can't search the whole thing now,You wonder how one sibling learnt this and the other one didn't, although I have the same in my own extended family.

Many NT people do too. The issue is when it’s unbalanced - e.g. talking over the person while they’re sharing their story, or playing it as one up manship. Or ignoring obvious current issues the person you were talking with is signposting in the here and now while you talk about something in the the past.

Good conversational skills require mastering a variety of approaches and applying them appropriately. It takes practice but can be learnt by pretty much everyone even if it’s harder for some of us.