People who don’t ask questions

I actually think you might be on to something here.

If, in the past, you've been judged or even laughed at or mocked for your answers, why would you want to be open about them in the present or the future? It can be really hard to escape that childhood mentality of "I was laughed at for that once so I won't do it again".

Ah well, I disagree with you. Exceptions exist but aren't what I'm talking about.

We good then.

I wonder if one of the reasons for finding questions risky is that those of us who were the weird kids usually found our answers just betrayed our weirdness or created a gap.

For example if someone asks "what TV do you watch?" and you don't watch TV, I'm sorry but my experience is that the asker often feels judged or sighted or thinks you don't have much in common even though that's not the intention.

So, because our experience of being asked questions is they don't help us connect, we show courtesy to others by allowing people to chose what they want to bring to the conversation.

I think they just disagree with you or else they've already acknowledged that exceptions exist but aren't what they're talking about.

It's ironic isn't it?

They claim to want to talk to people but as soon anyone says anything that doesn't fit with their ideal, they fling out insults 🙄

I'm talking about the posters on this thread who say they ask questions because they are polite and interested in people but in the next post shut down replies they don't want to hear.

It’s funny that you are labelling a lot of us as “rude” and “obtuse”, which is kind of how you’re coming across with this response!

I'm not talking about the people I'm talking to. They don't even know.

I'm talking about some of the more sanctimonious posters on this thread. I would like them to consider that their unthinking assumption that their way is the only acceptable and unselfish way to interact may in reality be making a huge demand on someone, and far from that person being selfish, they may be literally burning themself out to be accommodating.

And LOL at the thought that it's somehow extra exhausting for me to recognise that people are hypocritical. It's actually exhausting for me not to, because now the algo has to keep track of their reality as well as real reality.

Yes, I have conversations with friends and family. However real friendships and relationships have comfortable silences too. If someone feels the need to talk non stop and expects the same from you, it can feel like too much. We are only hearing one side of the story, so this could be a consideration.

How on earth is that ironic?! We spend a large part of our lives asking non-askers questions that are never reciprocated - this thread is for venting and for having one place and time where we don't have to pretend to be interested in people who show no interest in us! I fully understand why some ND people can't - I'm ND myself and do find conversation and social stuff very hard work but it's one hundred times harder when you're lumbered with someone who will not pulll their weight for any serious amount of time! And so often they have no idea of the impact that has on you (for me I've sometimes had to take a day off work if I've met a non-asker on the train home and they've ambushed me with the expectation of a one sided conversation I haven't been able to get away from after a long day in the office).

The trouble is, anything that requires a diagnosis is, by definition, going to have its downsides.

Yours might be that general discourse is difficult and exhausting, which is really unwelcome for you, but the result of that is that other people will find you difficult and exhausting. That's just a sad fact.

These days, with awareness of the autism spectrum growing, I hope things will get easier for people affected by it, but to get annoyed with people stating how difficult they find it sounds additionally exhausting for you.

Do what you can, but at some point it makes sense to accept that this is an area you struggle with and the very reason for it being a struggle is that other people will react accordingly. It's not their fault and it's not selfish.

This is an interesting thread. I suspect that soft skills like these (the ability to make conversation, to listen and ask appropriate questions) will become more of a differentiator for young people. I know a few who are starting to fret about the rise of AI and whether there will be graduate jobs for them. So many hate using the telephone as a phone and are appalled when I suggest that they call, rather than text.

A few years ago there was some article about charm and how employers were more likely to take on a young person who was charming, even if they weren’t the highest achieving. There were some quotes from a girls’ day school in London who were doing courses in being personable. And there was some outrage that this was so.

I can understand it though. When I’ve interviewed a young adult, the ones I’ve liked the most are those who could comfortably have a brief, appropriate chat in the lift with the head of HR, even if they didn’t know them. This includes sometimes asking questions.

😂 my in laws are like this. I put it down to them not giving a shit about anyone. If you are truly engaged in a normal conversation you will ask questions. No idea where it comes from my DH isn't like it.

Well firstly, if you start all your conversations by just sitting down next to someone and said "hello Tom nice to see you, I went on a lovely ride yesterday" that is quite odd. Usually a conversation with start with a "how are you/what have you been up to?" initial foray.

You're then suggestung that at no point in this conversation would either of you say anything like "where is that exactly?" "Did (partner) go with you?" "How long was the route?" "Was it busy/steep/muddy/hot?" "Sounds lovely perhaps I'll go on the weekend, do you think it would be suitable for the kids?" "what was parking like?" "What bike are you riding these days?" Etc.

Just series of you both alternating surface level anecdotes at each other but not actually asking anything specific about or engaging with what the other person had said. Okay.... 👍

Everyone is different, some people are more confident talking than others. I take few children every week to training, during the car journey one will talk hind legs off a donkey, another will sit in complete silence unless I instigate a conversation, in which case they will have conversation, I think it's just example of shyness.

It’s odd when people don’t ask these types of questions in my opinion. Asking how your piles or warts are is too intrusive. But asking how someone is following surgery is polite, caring and normal.

Yes, this compounds the issue raised by OP - when people only talk about themselves. I have friend who talks solidly when we meet up. I interject with the occasional sentence about me (I’m not asked - I just try and wedge it in). It’s totally draining. She’s always the one trying to meet up and I delay as much as possible. It’s sad as she won’t realise she is like this and I’m sure others must feel the same. We meet so rarely, that I would be very hard for me to raise it.

I felt second hand anger just reading that! That’s exactly it. Sorry but they are not all autistic! Most are common or garden ill mannered self absorbed twats.

I seem to be a beacon to these types; probably because I'm a people pleaser who was raised to believe it's rude not to listen and take an interest in other's lives. Unfortunately, I've endured one sided friendships for far too long based on this default. A family friend visited recently and she literally did not stop talking, all about herself of course, without asking one question about me. I'd try and interject to tell her, rather than waiting to be asked, but it fell on deaf ears or she'd end up making it all about her again - i.e I was waiting for important test results, but this morphed into her monologue about her recent experience at a&e! By day 7 I was utterly wrung out and exhausted and honestly, more than a little pissed off and it definitely showed. It's the complete lack of self awareness, that does for me. How can you be so uninterested in a friends life? On the other hand, she does have kind qualities and will be the first to offer use of her holiday home or cook you a lovely meal or drive you to the airport. A listener, she is not, but the ' doing' actions she's great at. I think she just lacks social skills, is possibly nd or gets overly nervous in company, and has never learnt the art of conversation. On reflection, the majority of her family are made this way. As for others, who neither reciprocate with active listening skills OR show up for friendship in other ways, I've let them go. They can go talk at somebody else!

Sorry no time to read the whole thread, so this may have been pointed out already. It is tangential to the main topic.

What you describe is a classic autistic method of communication. If he is autistic, he is not "making it all about himself". He is showing that he has listened to the speaker, understood the anecdote, related it to his own experience, and is describing his experience to communicate that he understands. It is his way of showing empathy.

Of course, if he is not autistic then he may just be a narcissistic arsehole.

But it is not always easy to tell who is autistic with adults as they can be very good at masking at work, so unless there is other evidence of him being an arsehole, I would err on the side of caution and assume neurodiversity.

Hallelujah!

No one here is castigating shy or socially-awkward people. No one is in the habit of wading in with intrusive personal questions.

The criticism is of those who are actually happy to be fed questions, and quite content to regale you with their life and times, but never ask a thing back or respond to anything you say.

It seems as if a great many people believe they’re on Michael Parkinson/Graham Norton and are delighted to bask in your rapt interest.

Emma Barnett did a brilliant piece on this on Woman’s hour. How keeping the social
wheels turning is effort and it can be gendered ie women are expected to do it more. She decided if she wasn’t getting it back she wasn’t going to bother.

Fil sits like a silent lump at every occasion. We met up with their family and I was exhausted absolutely spent after an incredibly busy time. So I thought right this time I am just going to mirror fil. This isn’t even my family. Oh no that wasn’t acceptable at all! Lots of “are you oks” and clear disappointment that I wasn’t “carrying” the conversation like I usually do. Eye opening.

I'm certainly appreciating the irony of the people who think it's rude not to ask questions having no interest in asking questions of the people who don't 😂

Yes exactly. It’s frustrating that people are not allowed to be rude, boorish show-offs etc any more. It has to be ND. Some people are just dreadful self-obsessed bores, and not autistic at all.

I am seeing the opposite. The assumption it’s not rude.