People who don’t ask questions

Could you think about it as if you're helping them open up? Helping provide structure so people can go into a little more detail about what they want to talk about? I know people who I suspect think along the same lines ("if they wanted me to know they'd tell me") and those relationships are painful for me because I usually do want them to know about my life but find it impossible to go into detail about anything if there aren't questions to help the conversation along.

I'm in agreement with Jam's comments here.

As person A i would say "Ahh mate thats shite" and if B wanted to expand, they could, and if they didn't - they dont have to because I havent asked.

The incorrect assumption is that people who dont ask many questions are automatically going to talk about themselves instead, which isnt the case.

I find this really difficult. I know is how conversation flows, but it feels nosy to be asking loads of personal questions.

I don't know where that comes from, but its almost like i dont feel important enough to be asking this stuff, and if they want me to know they'll tell me.

I totally and utterly disagree. I spend my life talking to clients and pretty much everyone is interesting and complex. So in your friendships you just talk about yourself? You don’t ask friends or people you talk to about their lives?

That’s effectively a question

That’s effectively a question

See I just don’t see why someone has to ask a question in order to prove that they’re interested - you can show that in other ways - empathising or saying “god, tell me about it”.

I'd totally chat like that with a friend as well. At other times it might be deeper, but light chitchat isn't just for strangers and aquaintences.

My family considers that the closer you are, the less polite conversation for the sake of it is needed. We might talk for hours but also we might sit for hours and read together.

Crucially, home is where you don't have to make conversation, and bar initial catchups and conversation over meals that applies to houseguests as well.

Ah yes but I’d also consider that a normal conversation. It isn’t a conversation with NO questions at all.

It is however more of a surface level chit-chat, the kind you might have with a colleague or your hairdresser. With friends and family I’d expect to talk more about things that matter in their lives.

Ah yes but I’d also consider that a normal conversation. It isn’t a conversation with NO questions at all.

It is however more of a surface level chit-chat, the kind you might have with a colleague or your hairdresser. With friends and family I’d expect to talk more about things that matter in their lives.

Youre working under the assumption that all friendships/relationships function in the same way that yours do.

My person B knows fine well that she can choose to expand without the need to "push on" regardless and without the need for prompting because I dont have to invite her to elaborate - that part is implicit because we're friends.

As person A i would say "Ahh mate thats shite" and if B wanted to expand, they could, and if they didn't - they dont have to because I havent asked.

This is exactly what the thread is about though.. because you haven't asked, just made a statement, person B is left with a choice of pushing on regardless with their worries, your statement doesn't show that you want to hear more, or do they stop talking because you haven't asked anything and obviously aren't that interested in a 'conversation' about it.

As person B I may push on, but if you gave another generic reply, instead of showing an interest I'd sack it off as a bad job because you obviously don't want to hear about it.

A question at that point lets them know you are engaged and interested in what they are telling you, so they don't have to think internally about whether to continue, they know they can and you are happy to listen.

Person A - it’s a hot day.

Person B - Oh yeah I know! I'm WFH and my office is totally melting. It's about the one time in the year I actually miss the office!

Person A - Yeah I know exactly what you mean. I wanted to get air-conditioned but my partner is all like "it's really bad for the environment, can't you use a fan?"

Person B - "Ugh I hate that. I mean, he is right, but still...I want my nice cold air-conditioning!"

A &B laugh...

Person A - hey - how is your dog in the heat? My mum had a breed like yours and in the heat he just melted, used to hide in the shadow of the house...

Person B - really? It doesn't seem to bother mine at all.

Person A - huh.

Person B - but what does bother him is fireworks. Last November...

And so on. Yes the odd question, but always with a lot of context connecting it to why that question

So it’s more like a series of statements back and forth between two people? Not criticising, just trying to understand.

Person A - it’s a hot day.

Person B - I agree.

Person A - I like your dog.

Person B - Thank you. I watched Eastenders last night.

Person A - I watched an interesting documentary about politics.

No.

I would start with a statement or remark and then the conversation would just naturally move on from there. So I’d maybe say something like:

”ooh, your dog is gorgeous - I love his/her colouring”
and they’d say “thank you! He’s actually a Labrador but most people don't realise as he’s quite small”
and I’d respond with “ah I thought he might be, he looks a bit like a dog I know with similar markings” and it would go from there.

So it’s more like a series of statements back and forth between two people? Not criticising, just trying to understand.

Person A - it’s a hot day.

Person B - I agree.

Person A - I like your dog.

Person B - Thank you. I watched Eastenders last night.

Person A - I watched an interesting documentary about politics.

I'm in agreement with Jam's comments here.

As person A i would say "Ahh mate thats shite" and if B wanted to expand, they could, and if they didn't - they dont have to because I havent asked.

The incorrect assumption is that people who dont ask many questions are automatically going to talk about themselves instead, which isnt the case.

This is a textbook conversation style IMO, where you are both giving each other space to talk about whatever you want to talk about. For instance:

Person B -Hi! So good to see you. I’m fine, bit knackered, have had a shit week at work.

Person A - Oh no! What’s been going on?

If person A had kept silent at that point and was disengaged, it would make person B think that they may not be interested in hearing about your shit week at work and they may feel self conscious continuing to talk about it something the other person is obviously not interested in hearing about.

If person A had started talking about themselves after being told their friend had a shit week at work, then sorry but you are a bad friend.

I'm interested to know how you would have responded to Person B in that scenario @jamandcustard ?

Where did I say I would just “immediately talk about myself”?

I would talk about something like the location, the persons dog, their outfit, the weather - but instead of asking a question I would just make a generic remark and the conversation would flow from there.

As I’ve said multiple times though I am diagnosed autistic and my way of bonding with people is via shared anecdotes and stories, not through questions.

As I said, I just made up a conversation on the spot, and didn’t claim it was a great work of literature. It may well not read exactly like real life.

But in real life I would definitely express some kind of dismay if a friend told me they were having a bad time, even if not in those exact words. And I would ask what had happened. If they didn’t want to go into it they’d just say “oh god not worth talking about, tell me about your date” or whatever. But if they DID want to talk about it they’d at least know I am interested and supportive..

So you don't think questions, or prompts, are what continues a conversation? and you would never ask a question when you meet someone, you would just immediately start talking about yourself.

I'd be interested to know what your version of a 'conversation' looks like, because what you describe makes it sound like you all just talk turns to talk about yourselves?

I disagree

I would have responded and given them room to talk if they wanted to, it’s just the whole “oh no!” bit that sounds really insincere to me 🙈

This is a textbook conversation style IMO, where you are both giving each other space to talk about whatever you want to talk about. For instance:

Person B -Hi! So good to see you. I’m fine, bit knackered, have had a shit week at work.

Person A - Oh no! What’s been going on?

If person A had kept silent at that point and was disengaged, it would make person B think that they may not be interested in hearing about your shit week at work and they may feel self conscious continuing to talk about it something the other person is obviously not interested in hearing about.

If person A had started talking about themselves after being told their friend had a shit week at work, then sorry but you are a bad friend.

I'm interested to know how you would have responded to Person B in that scenario @jamandcustard ?

This is a textbook conversation style IMO, where you are both giving each other space to talk about whatever you want to talk about. For instance:

Person B -Hi! So good to see you. I’m fine, bit knackered, have had a shit week at work.

Person A - Oh no! What’s been going on?

If person A had kept silent at that point and was disengaged, it would make person B think that they may not be interested in hearing about your shit week at work and they may feel self conscious continuing to talk about it something the other person is obviously not interested in hearing about.

If person A had started talking about themselves after being told their friend had a shit week at work, then sorry but you are a bad friend.

I'm interested to know how you would have responded to Person B in that scenario @jamandcustard ?