People who don’t ask questions

This is very much like some of my own experiences. Sometimes when I try to change the dynamic in this way by not doing the usual heavy lifting and seeing what happens it produces quite a hostile reaction. Sometimes just confused. It's never changed anything for the better though. Did she seem annoyed or awkward? Did anything change?!

I hear you, OP - YANBU.

I have a friend like this. She pretty much never asks me questions. Not even innocuous ones like: "How's work going?" "Watching anything good on Netflix lately?" "How was your Christmas?" etc.

If I volunteer information about myself, she listens, yes. But frankly, I find it exhausting to always be doing the heavy lifting in the conversation. I've also realised that due to our differing conversation styles (me asking her questions, and she never asking me questions) most of our conversation is centered around her, and her life, what she's been doing, etc.

The last time we caught up, I decided to 'match her energy' and only ask her a question about herself when she asked me a question about myself.

Let's just say there were a LOT of long, awkward silences!

It's not the lack of permission that's the issue. It's the fact that you lack confidence that the other person will be able to hold up their end of the deal as it were; that they'll be able to provide the structure and level of engagement required for the conversation to be viable because it's a two sided endeavour, to use a fancy word. They need to be able to respond to your social cues by asking questions and making comments in the right places without killing the topic dead or diverting it so that everything becomes about them, and so that you both get breaks from speaking and listening in the right places to ensure nobody's at risk of running out of steam or zoning out. If you're going to talk about anything at length anyway.

Say for example, I'd just been on the holiday of a lifetime - tried new foods, visited relatives I hadn't seen for decades, seen scenery that doesn't compare to anything on this side of the world etc and maybe caught up with old friends that had moved there and met their kids for the first time. I might have a couple of hours worth of material that I'd love to share, and with some of my closest friends, we'd easily get a couple of hours out of it (with me asking them stuff back to keep them engaged too even if the main focus was on me). They'd have many hundreds of questions to ask me and in answering them, things would come up that I'd want to ask them back, about their previous holidays, friends, families etc.

But for the friend that only asks two questions about the trip (eg How was your holiday? Was the weather nice?), how do I talk about the rest of it? If I've answered both questions providing lots of leads to make asking further questions as easy as is humanly possible but she just has nothing else to ask, am I just going to embark on a two hour monologue about all the other things that happened? My ND involves speech issues so I can't physically talk at length anyway, but even if I could, I wouldn't want to. It would feel too much like giving a work/school presentation to me. I just wouldn't get any enjoyment out of sharing information like that.

And so ultimately we'd move on and I'd feel really sad that the opportunity to connect with this friend in the way that I connect with some of my other friends had yet again been lost (this happens on pretty much every topic on every subject). And the next time, maybe I wouldn't even mention I'd been on holiday at all. And she would continue to be sad that we're not closer - she has said as much several times. I try to let her know at every possible opportunity that I respond really well to people who ask a lot but it doesn't make any difference. I don't know if she just can't or she thinks she's already asking a lot but it's painful and frustrating for both of us. I'm 99% sure she's not ND (although I am). If she wasn't always trying to pressurise me into one sided interactions (where I'm forced to come up with many hundreds of questions about her life because she has almost none about mine and that's exhausting for me), I would feel less resentment to be honest. And that's part of why this topic is so emotive for me and other people. We're not necessarily judging others who are happily talking to their own friends and families in ways that work well for them. We're venting about situations in our own lives that cause us pain and stress and that sometimes feel like they could be easily solved with a little extra effort or consideration from the other person.

Yes, so you keep saying 🥱

Not of your own family. What kind if conversations are you having if you don’t ask any questions? It just comes across as rude and disinterested.

I just don’t see how you can have a two way interaction with anyone without asking them anything. Not possible

I'll come back to this and answer properly later on....

And it shows that people aren't willing to be understanding (not you specifically, the more general you) - they write anyone who is different off as "rude" or "weird" without trying to understand that there might be a genuine reason or cause for their behaviour.

We've been accused of "broadcasting", "banging on about ourselves" and all sorts of other untruths.

Now I'm not for one minute saying that rude people don't exist - of course they do - but it's pretty fucking tiring to be constantly lumped in amongst them through no fault of your own, and then when you try to explain, you're still told you're weird, or odd, or that you can't possibly hold a conversation because you don't conform to their way of doing things.

Yes, I'm sure it is. I have not called people rude, but I have said that unfortunately for them people will think they are. That's one of the real downsides of some people's conditions and I can understand how that would be frustrating.

You've had it explained to you multiple times.

If you still can't understand it, then I'm not sure what else there is to say.

I still don’t understand how those who never ask questions of other people interact. Unless they sit there banging on about themselves all night.

But do you not think it's equally frustrating to read post after post from people saying that anyone who doesn't ask questions is rude, or that they have no social skills, or can't possibly be capable of having a balanced conversation?

People are digging their heels in because they feel misunderstood and possibly slightly picked on.

Ok, but I've really been striving for balance on this thread. I'm sorry you've misunderstood.

I'll admit it's frustrating to see the same exaggerations over and over again as to the quantity and nature of the questions in... er... question, and that people still think kids and jobs are the only ones being discussed 🥱 and that has tainted my posts, but genuinely, I'm trying to find some common ground here.

I just think it's ironic that you commented on how other people dig their heels in when you've done exactly the same thing.

I didn't mean it in a negative or an insulting way.

But I've been pretty balanced on this thread on the whole. You even "loved" one my earlier posts when I explained how I make allowances for people who are shy or may be ND, and I've thanked you on several of yours.

I've advocated several different styles of conversation which all work, so ultimately my conscience is clear as far as hypocrisy goes.

No, there are lots of other ways to interact, as has been evidenced on this thread.

The irony!

pay attention next time you are with your friends and family and you will notice that asking questions is part of the natural flow of conversation.

@sandyhappypeople
I made this exact point earlier but it fell on deaf ears. People really dig their heels in on here.

ANOTHER one saying "loads of personal questions!

The thread is about questions, no "loads" and no "personal".

Nobody is advocating that!

I really need to step away from this - it's playing havoc with my own neuro diversity.

Tbh, it's not really helping the pro-question lobby to keep rehashing the "how's your job/children" questions. They are quite boring (although I might ask them in the course of chatting to someone) and the anti-questioners have somehow concluded that they are the only questions we can think of because we are stupid, boring and all-round terrible people.

Posters are really fixating on the jobs and kids. I'm sure those are just examples of what one could ask. Lazy examples perhaps, but thinking of your own questions, that you find more interesting, are really not ruled out here.

We've been through this 🤷🏻

Met 4 friends earlier today so thought of this thread. Surely the only way to interact is to ask questions? All these were asked as a “trigger” to back and forth conversation. How do non questioners talk!?

Hows your week?
How was your trip to London?
Has x gone back to uni how was that?
How is the hospital is at as bad as everyone says?

Actually, it is an imperative. Isn’t it?

This thread really reminds me of Micky Flanagan. About 4.30 minutes in.

"How's Sue? Did you not ask Tony how Sue was?
I didnt even ask Tony how he was"

This is exactly my thoughts too (I am part Aussie so maybe that's it 😉).

I just don't understand why anyone would need someone to ask them a question before they open up or talk about a certain thing. What I love about my friends and family is I can go to them at any time and talk to them. I don't need them to ask about me, just as they don't need me to ask about them. Because we're friends, not strangers.