People who don’t ask questions

My dad is like this and it’s inexplicable to me. Now and again, when he actually texts, it’s these bulletins about how he is. So I tend to reply to acknowledge it, maybe ask some questions about the content of the bulletin. And there is rarely a ‘and how are you, how are the kids’ etc. He’s complained that I don’t tell him how we are or send updates. I’ve said, you need to ask about us, I’m not doing a fucking newsletter! (Didn’t actually say that but I’d like to!) Was explicit that I don’t feel he is interested unless he shows it by asking questions. He did it for a couple of weeks and we went back to a dad bulletin every couple of months. So weird. I genuinely think he is just quite self absorbed and doesn’t actually think about us very much.

I think it depends on are they talking about themselves and don’t ask you questions or they just answer yours and the conversation is drying out.
if it’s the former they are just rude.
If the latter they might be shy and uncomfortable with your level of questions. They answer them out of politeness but trying to escape deep conversations by not asking you any.
Also it could be if your lifestyles are different. It’s a bit rude not to show any interest but if it’s very different it might be difficult to ask a question or it might be a sensitive topic.

I have the opposite problem - people who ask too many questions. Pointless small talk in one case, closed questions intended to be small talk but seem PA in another, and another who asks questions then tell you that their answer is better.

I disagree with you a bit OP, I think it is because they don't care.

Ooh interesting wrt "high level chit chat" - I find talking about slightly more abstracted topics makes everyone in the conversation equal as it isn't "all about" one participant, whereas otherwise it can quickly turn into either one person holding court or an interrogation.

So I'd always go for that with anyone I wasn't already very close to and/or saw daily (with those people we'd be tracking day-to-day events in each others lives more due to the amount we spoke).

See this is fascinating because, I’ll happily answer questions, I’ll sometimes ask a few but I don’t like to ask too many in case it comes over intrusive. Some people just don’t like to be nosy.

How do you think people become like that? It doesn't sound like you are.

That's such an interesting way to put it. I think you're right. I think some people are scared of giving away too much about themselves.

I once read something that said this was a class thing and that it can be seen as prying to ask questions rather than just letting people share things when they choose to, made me think differently about this issue when it arises

But the late queen (apparently) used to ask people, "Have you come far?" And you don't get classier than QEII.

My brother and SIL are incredibly insular and socially awkward.My SIL crochets. She talks about crochet.....that's it. She has no friends, no hobbies that take her outside the house. My brother talks about his job. He has no hobbies at all ,stays in the house all weekend and has no friends. They will come to family events but never, ever ask anyone anything at all about their lives etc. They just talk about themselves. Sometimes in my head I start saying ' I don't care.....nobody cares'. I have to concentrate so it stays in my head.

I cannot bond at all with people who don’t ask questions. All of my conversations with friends are things like “how’s so and so?”…”how’s the house renovation going”….”did you manage to sort that issue out at work?”….

I converse in 100% questions or answering other people’s questions! I want to know about other humans and their lives in order to talk about shared experiences and make connections. High level chit chat about random topics is a complete waste of time IMO.

On a similar note- there are people who never seem to react to things around them, no matter how remarkable. They can walk through a beautiful place or hear something extraordinary without seeming to notice.

It's like there is nothing coming out of them, no questions, no reactions- they seem tight with their feelings and thoughts, like some people are tight with money.

Taking an interest in other people doesn't require you to ask about their bowel habits or how often they have sex. It's called making conversation.

It's a learnt skill, isn't it?

You see it with students in a class, as well. Some of them genuinely find it really hard to ask a question because they've never been shown how to do it, and they've never properly listened to other people doing it.

I was brought up to not ask questions because it was nosey and that if people want to talk about themselves they will. As a result, I am probably like the person mentioned upthread who provides slightly out of kilter anecdotes about themselves. It isn't because I don't care or am not interested, it is how I have been conditioned. I try to overcome it on MN, particularly threads where everyone is leaping to judgement, I ask questions and seek more understanding. I am not sure I will ever overcome it in real life though, I am too old!

There’s rude personal questions, eg ‘so how’s your marriage going, you still intimate after all these years?’ and there's conversational curiosity, ‘how was your holiday? Still enjoying your job’ - perfectly acceptable.

This! This is what I was trying to describe! So glad it’s not just me!

I thought it was the middle classes that find it rude to ‘pry’…upper class and working class are just fine with it. Same with swearing (apparently). I’m genuinely interested in my friends’ and family’s lives and when I’m meeting up with them, I’ll have a list of things I want to ask. When I’m actually in a conversation though, it’s like my brain glitches. It’s so frustrating. I search for the words and the questions and poof! They’re no longer there. So I chatter to make up for my gormlessness. I’m way better in writing than in person.

I can be like this. I'm pretty sure it's a result of being told 'stop being nosey' or 'none of your business' as a child. I feel rude and intrusive asking questions.

It’s not that I ‘forget’ to ask questions though…it’s more that my brain just can’t think of the question in the moment. A bit like when you think of a great comeback long after the argument is over? I don’t know how else to explain but I’ve no reason to lie. I obviously love and care deeply about my closest family but still often find myself thinking about something I’d have been interested for them to update me on after I’ve left their company.

Okay so, I naturally do this even though I’m (usually) curious or would like to know more. This hasn’t always been the case, not sure what happened way back when…
I just feel like I’m prying, even with the lightest of questions and with people I know. Of course, I am aware this is rude and people will feel I don’t care about them. I actually sometimes overcompensate, especially with those I’m not familiar or comfortable with, and then ask a barrage of questions nearly one after the other, in an attempt to prove I’m interested in them. Sometimes I’m not even taking in the responses, too busy trying to plan the next polite question. Awful. Still working on the balance!

For them all to be like this, yes I’d agree with you (it’s just not how conversation goes in their house).

There’s an episode in the BBC series Here We Go where the dad is frustrated by his BiL who’s like this, and eventually strong-arms him into asking a question 🤣

This is silly.. it’s part of normal conversation

I read an article about a ‘non asker’ a little while ago - it struck a chord as one of the DC definitely falls into that camp.

The art of conversation is dying out I fear. I only keep friends where there is a true connection (conversations flow, we take an interest in each other, share information, ask questions). But I know loads of people who just don’t seem to care about anyone else - it’s definitely more noticeable over the past ten years.