People who don’t ask questions

I have scanned through the thread and not seen anyone mention this - OP have you seen the (hilarious) Here We Go series on BBC1? There is an episode with the main characters brother in law who has not ever asked the main character a single question, and he is determined to get him to 😁

I just find it hard to believe these boring, insular "ooh my brain freezes Mavis" people really exist!!

It isn't difficult to teach yourself a couple of basic questions - adults have no excuse to not train themselves to show a smidge of interest in others

I completely agree with you OP. I will never understand it! I’m so fascinated by people and love chatting to people beyond the small talk, not in a nosey way just in a way that I’m interested in peoples lives and opinions. I really notice when people don’t bother asking anything back, most of the time it’s not due to any bad intent, it just seems like for some people they’re not even aware. Regardless, I do find it rude but you can’t really call it out without making it awkward.

That's how I gauge when I'm being thoughtless and self-centred (and possibly boring and boorish too), when I notice I'm not asking anything about the other person in a conversation, or they're not giving their viewpoint. I watch out for it and correct myself. I start listening.

How do ever become friends with people then?

There are families and groups of friends who, rather than asking each other questions, all fight for control of "the floor"! I think this is more common in some cultures than others.

I know I'm almost certainly neurodiverse and don't always get conversations right, but I try.

If someone asks me a question e.g. "are you going away this summer?" or "how is X doing at school?" I know there's a good chance they'll want me to ask the same question back. Sometimes they'll be dying to share that they're going to the Maldives or that their son has aced his GCSEs, but they don't want to volunteer this information in case people think they're boasting.

If a certain question makes the other person look uncomfortable or give an evasive response, I try to remember not to ask any further questions on that subject.

Also, because I can't always tell if people are genuinely interested in what I'm saying or just being polite, I try not to talk for very long about any one subject (unless the other person keeps talking about it).

My DM and her husband are like this. Their company is painful. Conversations are over within 5 minutes. DMs husband actually asked me what I did for work last year. I’ve known him for 32 years.

This is me. I freeze up sometimes in social situations and it's like my brain can't unlock some sections. Including information I absolutely know about people's upcoming/recent life events that I can't quite find. I'm interested and invested, but sometimes can't think how to ask or what to ask.

It really annoys me and I regularly feel embarrassed. Sometimes because I ask questions, but know as soon as I start talking that I have some key details wrong and the other person will either be confused or need to correct me. Other times because 10 mins after we say goodbye, I realise what important thing I didn't ask about and feel awful that the other person thinks I'm not interested/don't care.

This also causes me to say absolute nonsense when people ask me questions. I answer the wrong question, mix up my words, get names/locations/dates wrong, etc.

I'm always so grateful for the socially gifted people who put others at ease (I so wish I had that gift). I'm better once relaxed. And better in small groups.

I sat next a woman at a school play last week. She started making small talk (which I hate) but reciprocated anyway and asked what scene her daughter was in.
There then followed about 15 minutes about her daughter, how good she was at drama, her other daughter and how good she was at sport etc etc etc. I just nodded and said "Hmmmm" but in my head I was wondering how long it would take her to ask about my child.
She didn't!! I stopped making eye contact and moved my body away from her to signal I didn't want to engage any more. But she kept going on and on and on.
She didn't ask one question to me. I ended up pretending to need the toilet and walked away. Came back and she still tried to engage and tell me MORE about her kids.

@TheFireHorse When DD was at primary there was a girl in her class who had a mother EXACTLY like this. I would run in to her moderately frequently what with school drop offs, parties, school events etc.

She would always launch in to a monologue about how her DD was doing, what her DD had said about such and such, what other things her DD had done. I never once remember her asking a question about my DD, but she always gave the impression that she thought I should be fascinated by hers!

I remember once being told in great detail what hair style they were planning for her DD's first communion. I have no idea why she thought I would be interested; my limit of hair styling was to put DD's hair in to a neat ponytail for the occasion, perhaps with the addition of a special hair bobble.

I’m a nightmare for asking questions. Worked in healthcare so needed as much information as possible about people, so by now am fairly expert at extracting details without people really noticing. I love finding out about people’s lives, and my DH can never understand how I can find out someone’s life story in a short space of time. He’s worked next to people for years and knows little about them. But then he is a man…….😁

I also don’t understand people who don’t ask questions. It’s how I was taught to make conversation. My mum asks lots of questions (there’s a running joke in the family that she missed her calling as a Stasi agent) but she’s very well liked and popular and has lots of friends. My in-laws (who are posher) are non questioners and it took me ages to get used to it as it can seem so rude, but I think they just don’t want to pry.

It's not personal questions OP is referring to though, it's ANY questions, some people would sit through an entire 'conversation' and not ask a single thing at all.. which to me is bizarre!

Watched any good tv shows lately?
Read any good books?
Been out to any nice restaurants?
Got anything planned this year?
How are the kids getting on at school/college/work etc?
How's DH/DW?
How's your mum/dad?
Do you have any hobbies?
Do you have any pets? - you find a fellow dog person and even the most conversationally stunted people act like they've known you for 10 years!!
Did you see this/that/the other thing that has happened in the news lately?

None of those are necessarily personal questions, but have the ability to push past the mundane into the realms of interesting discussions if you are both receptive. I hate small talk, for small talks sake (which is why I hate going to the hairdressers!) but I love talking to people and getting to understand their views on life, if you get used to that way of back and forth conversation with people you know, it becomes quite easy for people to feel comfortable enough with you to talk about pretty much anything, it's amazing where conversations can lead!

But I do push the envelope from time to time, and in fairness whenever I have asked something out of left field on the off chance, picking up from something they have said, it's like people are relieved to be able to offload their REAL thoughts, feelings & worries, and seem happy to have someone who actually listens.

Possibly your friend kept asking you questions because you were answering hers but not asking her anything back. So she asked you another question to keep the conversation going!

It's really not. Asking about people's finances, or sex life might be. Asking where they've been on holiday or what their kids are up to, or what their plans are for the weekend - that's completely normal.

🤔 How do you get to know someone without asking any questions though?

This drives me mad. It makes conversation impossible or awkward. Then there's the ones who do chat but it's all about them and you can't get a word in. Why do they think you want to hear all about them?

I was encouraged as a child to make conversation. It's social skills.

I try 3 times with people and if there is no response I rarely bother again.

They may be self-absorbed or just plain boring, but there are other reasons people don’t ask questions. I was brought up being told it was nosy to ask people questions about their lives, plus my mother isn’t very interested in other people anyway so I didn’t see it modelled very much growing up. It wasn’t until I was an adult that I realised it was normal to ask people questions in order to get to know them and show interest. It was quite hard getting past the conditioning actually.

I am a question asker and I find it disconcerting when people don't.

However - maybe there's a cultural element sometimes? People are saying that it's how conversation works. But I recall hearing someone explain that in their culture, conversation worked differently.

Someone would make a statement about their life. The other person would add a statement. This would be repeated, building up layers of conversation, no questions asked. Was very interesting to learn about!

It’s clearly rude not to do your half of keeping a conversation going. Conversation skills used to be taught at finishing schools because drawing people out and being a good guest at dinner were, and are, important life-skills.

Equally, however, subjecting people to a barrage of specific questions that are obviously fact-finding as opposed to discursive or qualitative is rude verging on bullying. I’ve been on the receiving end of this - imagine a group of eg eight round a table with one person ‘inquisiting’ and one person answering. The only way to get away from it was to leave the table (also rude but necessary).

I've got some of these in my family! I let them talk about themselves out of politeness as I don't see them that often, but it is the same (very limited) topics as they never go anywhere or do anything, apart from work, and they NEVER ask questions, to me it comes across as they just aren't interested, but it really stunts conversations, especially if any questions I ask them to prompt results in one word answers!

They don't watch any TV shows or follow current affairs in any sort of way.. they don't listen to music or watch films.. they don't do any activities, or go out with friends, they always eat at the same place, it's fucking hard work to have any sort of interesting conversation to be honest so we usually play games instead which takes the pressure right off their complete lack of conversational abilities!

I agree with the people saying they just don't care.
I ask questions if I am genuinely interested but don't if I couldn't give a shit. Small talk type questions are excruciating.

And sometimes they ask me the questions was planning, then I don't know what to do - it feels awkward to just ask the same thing?!

No! This is a really good strategy, actually. Asking the same thing back tends to work really well. You just have to add something like "How about you?" e.g. they ask if you have children, you tell them about your children and then "How about you? Have you got children?" or if you already know that they have at least one, change it slightly - "How about you? Do you have other children?"

It's usually a really good sign if they ask you a question you were thinking of asking, as it means it's the right level of familiarity and they think that the answer might lead to something in common or something to discuss.

I wouldn’t ever go to anyone’s house for several days - that sounds utterly dreadful 😂

Anyway to answer your question - I don’t have children or colleagues so don’t have to navigate any of those social situations. When I see my friends and family we talk about travel, hobbies, animals, food, films, music etc, not jobs or health unless there’s anything important that the other person ought to know about.

I’ll also fully admit I’m shit at human interaction - I’m autistic and don’t much care for it generally.

I get what namechange is saying. When I receive new information I tend to need processing time for it. I don't fully process it right there in the moment, so questions often come up for me later. I wonder if it's an ND thing because one of the school staff said the same about my DS - that if you try to talk to him in the moment or shortly after something has happened, you'll get a load of "I don't know" or reflexive "I didn't!" and other unhelpful responses. But if you talk to him about it a couple of days later he can reflect on it in astonishing detail. It's like a video that hasn't finished buffering.

Sometimes I get really interested in a topic and binge watch loads of documentaries or talks or read several papers about it and then it goes into what I have sometimes called "the marinating stage" where my brain does something magic with the information and a few days later, I have a complete map of that topic in my head and I can manipulate it and organise it in all sorts of different ways and explain it to others in a way people have often told me is brilliant. But I struggle to do that kind of thing in the moment, even on a smaller scale like a conversation, and social norms very much hinge on having the right reaction in the moment.

I agree.

They need to get to know you a bit better first. I hate being questioned and never ask any questions except the most necessary and innocuous.