People who don’t ask questions

My parents were like this. I moved away to another city to do several degrees. Then spent a year teaching in a US university. I travelled widely to countries which are not on the usual tourist route. Both parents and my sister were entirely uncurious about all of this. If I mentioned something I got a monosyllabic reply. Eventually I stopped visiting them because it was no fun.

Why the cringing? It's just a starting point - you can take a conversation more or less anywhere from a fairly innocuous starting point, by picking up on the details
dropped in by others or by dropping in the details of what you'd really like to talk about yourself. It might take a few rounds in some circumstances but it's usually possible to get somewhere interesting within 20 seconds or so no matter where you start from, unless one or both people in the conversation are genuinely dull. I wouldn't assume that from any of the questions suggested! Sometimes people are just nervous, which isn't surprising with how easily some people are offended these days!

It's so frustrating isn't it.

This happens to me loads, people just talk about themselves. Never ask me anything. Met up with a friend before Christmas, she twittered on and on about what SHE was doing, she did not ask me once, did I have plans???

I must be really boring

😂

I don't really believe in boring questions - only boring answers (which are sometimes indicative of a boring person and sometimes totally unavoidable no matter how interesting someone is, in which case just move swiftly on to something else). Interesting people know how to drop the interesting things about their lives and thoughts into a conversation about more or less anything I tend to find. And most people have interesting things about them, which are magnified if they can reciprocate an interest in you. If they want to, of course.

I'd totally get on board with the toothbrush question! I enjoy a random question from the left field 😀

@CoolFineDoneWicked I think we probably agree, but I took the OP to be exasperated that her guests didn't ask any questions in the whole time they were staying, not even the obvious, boring ones.

I imagine she's probably accustomed to better conversation than that, but under the circumstances anything would have been better than nothing, and I totally get that.

I've been in situations like that and it used to be excruciating, but I give much less of a fuck these days and would say something like "well, it's been delightful. So nice to get to know each other better" but I can be very sarcastic when I feel someone's rude.

I can be a bit like this if I don’t pay attention… and it’s mainly because my mind blanks. I can do small talk, weekends, holidays, work. I genuinely can ask you endless questions if they are job related because I practised those in my early career to get on (and there are books on networking, not friend making.) However, it relies on you sharing something. If you share, I’ll interject with active listening queues. But I can’t open up conversations.

example;

you’ve said you’ve had a great time at centre parcs and I’ve asked you if you’d recommend it. I might ask your favourite activity.

My instinct is to share an anecdote back e.g. about a time I went to a holiday park and then hope you fill in another anecdote at the end of mine. That is my preferred conversation style. We all take turns listening to each other’s stories.

I once panicked asked someone the colour of their toothbrush as a complete non-sequitur. they never spoke to me again.

I have fantastic long term friends but struggle to make new ones as my first impression is very awkward. I get round this by being the active planner once invited in. I’ll organise your meet ups and fill the gap (does your group need a person to suggest meet ups, to do logistics, or to make decisions. I make sure I don’t take someone else’s role.) I also have a naturally social husband who has the opposite impact so through him I get that crucial 3rd or 4th impression.

Nothing wrong with that, I love a chat about films or TV, or many other subjects, like I said. Did you read what I wrote?

The OP was complaining about people not asking her questions about herself, her kids and her job. I don't much like talking about myself or my work, and I don't care about the vast majority of other people's jobs, or their what their kids are doing at school. I think I like talking about ideas, rather than a reciprocal blow-by-blow of our humdrum lives.

So what's wrong with asking if they've seen the last film you enjoyed? If they're watching the same TV show as you? Or any of the other topics you're actually interested in?

They're still questions that show you're interested in the person you're talking to!

I never ask the dull questions people have listed here, because like you, I don't give a damn, but to conclude from that that questions are out full stop shows very little imagination.

My husband is like this. It drives me crazy too. He has a very very close friend yet for 2 years didn’t know if he was married/divorced/single/widowed. Or how many kids he had. He knew he had at least one because DH met her - I was completely perplexed how on earth can someone have a close relationship without asking the most basic of questions. ? DH reckons it’s rude to ‘interrogate’ people. I finally met DH friend at a party and knew the whole background to his rather grizzly divorce in about 20 minutes of being introduced. Friend seemed rather relieved to talk about it with someone.

No, I'm not interested in these sorts of things at all, no matter how close I am to the person. Because unless Jane went on a killing spree, or Brian's been promoted to Foreign Secretary, the answers are going to be boring.

And I never really believe that anyone is interested in these things about me either, so when they ask me I find it awkward and keep my answers brief. It's just small talk for the sake of it if everyone has to follow all these rules of reciprocation and ask these dull questions of each other.

I'm kind of like this. I mean, I'm not, because I know I'm supposed to make small talk, so I do, but it's so bloody boring. I just don't care very much about the ins-and-outs of people's lives, and I don't like talking about mine either (because it's just as dull as theirs). I can put it on in a social situation, but it's hard work.

I'd rather talk about films, or books, or TV, cooking, renovating, anything else than who said what, who's gone to which university, whose kid turned five, whose nephew went on a gap year blah blah blah.

But I'd pause, stare at her expectantly, waiting for her to share her bit of info but she didn't. She would just ask another question.
For example she would ask 'hows work' so I would say 'work is so stressful because of x,y and z' then pause and expecting her to say 'oh mines ok or mines hell etc' but she didn't. She would just then ask me another question.

Honestly iv got friends and know to be quite a chatter box but I realised my conversation style is share some info and then pause, look expectant, waiting for the other person to share their info.

I learned im no good at asking questions but now and now im actively trying to be better at doing so

This. I have a sis in law like this. She is rude and isnt interested. Its hard work.

I have to admit, I'm looking at the questions people are suggesting and totally cringing!

I guess I want to know what people want to tell me rather than asking them questions that impose a topic on them.

Middle class I think. Probably lower middle class. We are the butt of all jokes because of our weird social rules!

I dated someone like this for a while, it was like talking to a brick wall and seriously hard work. Weirdly talking about deep and meaningful stuff was fine, but daily chit chat was painful.
Lovely guy, his heart was in the right place but I could understand why an ex had broken up with him saying he was like a robot.
I'm ND and can go the other way, I'm not good at natural conversation so I ask lots of questions and have had people comment in the past that they feel like they're being interview 🫣
I get not wanting to pry but surely part of conversation is picking up on and replying to things people have said to you and asking things in return?!

Yes, that's broadly how I was brought up. You don't ask questions beyond "How are you" and possibly "how is your mother / father / spouse / child". You offer something about your own life and that is an invitation for the other person to share something related (or not) that they want to talk about.

I've had to make a conscious effort to get past that and really believe people want to be asked questions

It’s rude to ask when did you last have sex, it’s not rude to ask….

How is your job going Julie?
Still at the bank?
When was the last time you saw cousin John?
What year did Aunty Mary die? Did you go to the funeral?
You planning on moving?
Been to your place in Majorca this year?
What does Emily want to do after A levels?

It’s just polite to pay an interest.

I find I ask tons of questions to keep conversation going and I’m genuinely interested in where people come from, what they do. Some people are very self absorbed.

Ugh. Why are people so weird. Why couldn't she just have asked a few questions?!

I’m like this. I never know if it’s my adhd or what but I just am not really that interested and my attention span is so short that I stop listening

🙄

MIL & FIL like this. They just reminisce and share random stories. Never ask questions. Had the gall to say they don’t feel they know me very well. Perhaps try asking me anything! They don’t even ask my daughter anything. Not even the usual grandparent patter, I find it very very odd.

I've met quite a few people like this. I'm afraid my impression was that hey were only interested in their own lives and interests, and had no interest in anyone else's.

Which class(es) are supposed to see it as prying?

I grew up very working class, now pretty middle class and have some connection occasionally with upper class/aristocracy. Asking questions to make connections, especially with family, has been normal in all cases. Though admittedly upper class/aristocracy experience is pretty narrow.