People who don’t ask questions

Could you give n example of how you would develop a conversation with a new person please, if you can’t ask questions (what would ‘personal questions’ be, what would be ok to ask..?)

I don't like asking or being asked, it's exhausting and often irrelevant stuff we won't remember so what's the point of silly 21 question conversations? We both don't actually care.

I think you have rather misunderstood this.
especially in the context of family.

So “show me you school report” is rude. What subjects do you like is not rude?

Are you parents keeping well- Not rude
Did you brother cheat, and that’s what’s caused the divorce? Rude

Do you like to follow the football then? Not rude
I see you’re reading that Famous Book, what do you make of X in it? Not Rude

If you can’t distinguish between rude / prying and normal conversation then perhaps you could start to think about why you have such a skewed view and think about how conversation and getting to know people or conversations are actually supposed to work.

No it isn’t, it’s a basic social skill to show an interest in other people’s lives.

I grew up in a North East working class environment. Taught it was the height of rudeness to ask personal questions.
I was taken aback when I realised it was done thing in wider circles but hell it’s hard to break out the box!

I think I have only experienced this on dates, when I would find that some men never asked me anything about myself. Our conversations were focused entirely on them.

It became a yardstick for me- if they didn’t ask me anything about myself but were happy to talk about themselves all night, I wouldn’t see them again. It’s essentially selfish, a lack of interest in the other person and an expectation that you and your interests, annd what you think anbout things, are the only topics worth discussing.
I found it so wearing as all the conversational work was on me- I suspect that they’d have been the sort to let other work fall to me too!

That one sentence was @SuffolkBargeWoman's only contribution to the thread. No explanation, no "I think...", just one little sentence informing us of something that is categorically untrue.

If that is indicative of her conversation style then I think we can safely assume she doesn't talk to people much.

Suffolk is probably the best place for her 😄

Literally how do you talk to people

I find it bizarre that the op’s husband’s own sister, can’t make an effort to at least feign some interest in the family who have been kind enough to host them.
Do they all sit at the dinner table in silence?
There are lots of suggestions on here about starting and maintaining conversations but in this case these people just aren’t interested in them.

Next time I’d suggest that they all stayed in a hotel!

It's rude to ask "How are you," or about your job, your beautiful garden, etc.? If so, I assume you don't have friends to catch up with as that "would be personal?"

I think people are genuinely sympathetic with ND people (and I get that it's also not always possible to tell who's ND). But there are loads of non ND people like this and it doesn't make it any less exhausting/frustrating for the person on the other end of the one-sided dynamic. I'm ND myself and find it very draining being the one who's pushed into the driver's seat as it were. But if someone genuinely struggles with it I try to be understanding.

I find the 2nd part interesting and I heard it's a sign of adhd or other nueorodiverstiy and that's how they share empathy.
So, I saw this video and 2 people were having a conversation, one says this and this happened and the other says, omg me too and back and forth it goes and they're both really happy but that was only because they were both neurodiverse.
I'm like, maybe I'm neurodiverse I like hearing about other people's similar stories 🤣

My father and siblings are like this. It's really weird and means you just listen a lot, as every time you try to tell them anything, they just look blankly at you and change the subject. REALLY boring.

I think people need to stop taking offense at everything and assuming rudeness is the cause. Lots of asd people do not hold conversation well, they will answer the questions you ask but not think to ask back, that does not mean they are rude it's just them missing social cues and expectations.
Please don't assume the worst of people because they don't behave like you do or the way you expect them to.
Other replies have said similar but apart from the stress that ND people may experience in social settings they do not need judgement for being interested enough or rude. That is literally textbook for what ND is in some cases.

I have a friend who will just offload her own issues every time I meet or we speak on the phone. She never says ‘how are you’ or you said you had that appointment at the GP, how did that go’? She isn’t a horrible thoughtless person, and she bought me several gifts at Christmas and a lovely message about how grateful she was for the help I gave her last year. I guess she is self centred. I find it quite rude really. It’s also not rude to ask questions when you’re already talking about this kind of thing, it would be a natural step to ask about the other person.

If you get someone like that you have to butt in to talk about your stuff. Then congratulate yourself on your social skills.

That's me, I had to teach myself to do it. It's not because I'm not interested. I like to listen to others talking and sit quietly with my own thoughts sometimes. And some people are so garrulous that they don't need a prompt. I can't ask a question as I can't get a word in. Some people would do well to shut the fuck up, not ask questions, and listen to others once in a while.

If I want to share something about my life, I divulge it, and always thought (until early 20's) that other people would do the same (as all my direct family do). I assumed it was rude to ask people questions, that if they wanted to know, they would ask me. I then realised that it could be seen as rude NOT to ask questions, so I started to do so!

It's perhaps part of the back and forth nature of conversations that questions are essential. I always thought conversations were one person ranting, then the other person following suit, but soon learnt when out in the "real world" (read: away from parents/siblings), that it was expected to ask the other person some questions. I do always prefer a bit of ranting though (on both sides!) It may also be a NT thing?

I used to get quite bad social anxiety and when someone asked me questions and I answered, I would be relieved to have answered 'normally' and totally forget to ask anything back. I'm still rubbish at small talk and feel like I'm performing a role.

Your guests are staying with you though, so probably don't have social anxiety, but maybe they aren't usually very social?

Class thing which way round?

Right, much better to sit in silence like a frickin Amish wake...Jeeezus...🙄

Some people live their lives openly on social media so when you meet them there is literally nothing to ask or find out because you know everything already 😂😂😂

I'd say those are as good a starting point as any! And thank you for your thoughtful and interesting answer!

I've never noticed anyone take offence when I've asked them what they do - I usually follow up by asking if they enjoy it or not and the answer to that usually tells you if you have to move on swiftly or not! Often people are delighted to either have a rant about the bad bits (or exasperating colleagues) or enlighten you about the good bits - some people do some fascinating things. Others enjoy doing relatively mundane things or have an interesting backstory to how they got into something. One woman started working at a company because a guy she fancied worked there. He left within a week of her starting but she'd been in the job ever since, even though this was 30 years ago! She'd never seen him again but it had determined her entire career!

Fair enough about the kids thing. I don't mind being asked at all (I don't have kids) but I realise it's a little divisive. Anything has the potential to upset someone though if there's something difficult going on in their life and with strangers, you'll never know what those things are. Up to the individual to decide whether it's bette to ask or not I suppose.

Well...

I don't like asking people about their jobs (unless it's a networking event) because jobs are so tied to status and class that it feels intrusive/inappropriate.

And i don't like asking women if they have kids because (1) women aren't just childbearers and (2) what if she doesn't and desparately wants them and is dealing with all that?

And I don't watch the same TV as most people seem to so those questions are always awkward to be on the receiving end of because I feel like I'm being rude when I say I don't watch something they obviously love, so I tend not to ask them of other people

And I feel fake asking about family I've never met, unless there's something going on that makes a caring enquiry meaningful

Probably overthinking but you asked!

I tend to ask people something related to the event - why they are here, how they are finding it. Which as you said, like any starting point can go somewhere interesting. But I guess it's quite impersonal.

Exactly. That's how conversations work. I have a few acquaintances like that, spending time with them is hard work. I'd be sustaining any semblance of conversation while they'd treat my small talk questions as them being interviewed about their life, telling me stuff at length and then just looking at me like a lemon and not ask anything back. I remember how excited I was when through this "conversation" it transpired that we had the same hobby. I asked them a few questions, they replied with mind numbing detail, showed me a million relevant pics, I was counting down the seconds until them surely asking me back "and what about you?!", but when they finished telling me all about themselves they just went back to their drink and I was sat there in stunned silence 😂😂😂 Some people are just incapable of having a conversation.