People who don’t ask questions

I agree with a PP that there’s a class dimension. Working class and lower middle class conventions dictate that this is bad form and “prying”. Middle class people see it as currency.

Hadn't thought of it like that but I suppose it makes a lot of sense. DH's family hardly talk so it explains that then....the conversation just dies off. No follow up questions etc. Yep. Awkward!

Yes, I’m the same. If I want to talk to someone about something I’ll just talk about it, I don’t need a prompt.

I also find a lot of questions to be quite boring in all
honesty - do people really want to talk about their jobs and their kids potty training and their sleep? Aren’t their more exciting things? 🫣

This. I hate being questioned it makes me clam up. I still manage to have conversations.

So sorry, @Isittimeformynapyet , I've been unavoidably detained.
It has been fascinating coming back to this thread to see the interesting debate, and your rather rude contribution.
Many of us were told when we were children that 'personal questions are rude'. My 'contribution' was a quote.
Lots of people on the thread recognised it as such.
For some parts of society personal questions are rude.
It is interesting that some people on the thread spotted the word 'personal' and others assumed I was suggesting that all questions are rude.

I believe that if someone wants you to know something, they'll tell you. I ask people only the same questions they've asked me because I assume that if they've asked me something its something they're willing to share about themselves.

I don’t ask q’s. I think it’s bcoz of the way i was brought up. My dad would always say, to shut me & my brothers up; that he’d tell us, when we were old enough to understand the answer. I guess I just gave up.

My mum is like this and I honestly think it’s either jealousy or ignorance. I’m an academic so if I start talking about work, I see her glaze over. She has no understanding of what I do or why I do it. She isn’t interested in papers I write, or research I do. She never went to uni and is the sort of person who loves to sit and gossip which I’m not. We’re like chalk and cheese to be honest. I gave up bothering to tell her anything a long time ago as a result. Nothing really impresses her because she doesn’t understand the gravitas. I could win the Nobel prize for literature and she would just say well done.

the sil talking to ops family is a woman talking to her brother, his wife and her nieces/nephews. It is not rude to ask questions about their life, it is rude to not ask questions and show an interest.

I'm from a family where our conversation is exchanging anecdotes rather than asking questions and I've found it impossible to get over as an adult. I've read these threads before and made a conscious effort to practice on here but I still end up writing a lot of anecdotes instead. I love finding another anecdoter though. To me a conversation is only comfortable when each person is sharing stories and the conversation is flowing naturally. I wouldn't dream of interrupting a story with a question. I would respond by sharing my own anecdote along the same topic. Is this being rude? I actually have a list of questions to ask people I carry with me but I struggle to break the feeling of rudeness to ask them. I ended up saying them really awkwardly and get odd responses that end the conversation. I hate to be asked questions myself and struggle to answer them and my mind is blank once I've finished and I wouldn't ask it back as it seems so rude and repetitive to repeat the same question back, the silence would be me waiting for them to share their story that never arrives from some people, just a different odd question I don't know what to do with.

When I read the OP I immediately thought neurodiversity and/or a lack of interest and/or being self-absorbed, but it's interesting that some people don't ask questions because they think it's not polite, or that they are not getting any practise at conversations when they're kids..

As a child I was constantly told to stop asking questions and, as I got older, that I must be stupid to keep asking questions. So I learnt that questions were bad.

Consequently I have had to train myself to understand when it is actually appropriate to ask questions (don't have a clue what I am doing at work? For years, I used to quietly just try to figure it out).

Ironically my mum's conversational technique consists of a barrage of questions, without her listening to the answers or responding to any questions back which I think is worse - if someone tells you about their holiday for example, you can just tell them about yours even if they don't ask - if they never say anything apart from asking questions, it gets exhausting.

You realise the people who are saying it's a learnt skill and lots of people today don't seem to have learnt how to have a proper conversation are talking about you?

It's easy enough to learn, though you do need to practice. There are lots of books and websites that you can read to help. Having a short list of general questions ready, and a routine that you practice to answer then ask, are some starter tips for that problem of not reciprocating with questions. Also, when someone tells you something, rephrasing it so you have time to process what they've said and then a second or two to think about next steps (asking more questions!) can help with the process lag (and if you get good at the rephrasing, it helps them feel heard and can show up any misunderstandings). I've seen "How to talk to anybody" recommended in ADHD groups in the US (probably good for the UK too, though cultural differences may mean you need to adapt some suggestions) as a good resources for developing these skills.

I can send my dh over @Bluedoor11 . He drives me nuts with his questions. What did you have for lunch? What did dc eat? What time did you get home? How much did it cost? Did you see x there? When did you finish that? How long time did it take? Ahhrg! He's not controlling- he just likes to know everything and it's so annoying. I am rude because I ask him if he finds the topic interesting. He will sometimes admit to no but most of the times he just likes to know. I love him but I couldn't care less of the mundane details of his day.

But I do ask questions that are broader- like how is everything with work, children, family etc with family/friends. Just not in detail :) but I don't think OP would care for that either.

@namechange46774337 this is me too 100%. I hate it about myself because I'm aware it comes across as uninterested but it really isn't that at all, I'm actually quite nosey! Someone will ask me a question and it's like my brain can only focus on answering that and afterwards I realise I could have asked them about xyz and didn't and I feel terrible. I'm better in groups, where other people ask someone a question and I can then follow up with another one myself but if its one on one I'm just useless. I do suspect ADHD in me though so I wonder if that's part of the problem, it can be quite hard to focus my brain to think about something other than what I have just been asked myself if that makes sense?

Don’t be ridiculous! This is how conversations work.

Omg I could have written this, this is my in laws through and through. They have no curiosity, my SIL has always encouraged her children to play with a screen when present with adults or switch tv on if no iPads or phones are available. They all have zero curiosity and live quite isolated lives, they watch a lot of tv but don’t actually spend time talking apart from mind numbing chit chat. They are very working class but some of them have a fair bit of money now tbh, it changed nothing though, they don’t go anywhere, have jobs they fell into and dislike and they have no hobbies. so nothing to talk about.

I’m proper posh and was taught that taking a genuine interest in everyone in our lives was the right thing to do. How can you help people if you don’t know what they need?
I’m bloody brilliant at networking as a result.

Your post seems odd to me. They haven't learned to ask questions? I think the issue isn't that they don't ask questions but they haven't shown any interest in you while staying in your home.

Some people don't talk as much as others and don't enjoy being asked a load of questions. I can see that they might seem rude but I also think you shouldn't keep asking questions if it's clearly one way. Are they showing signs that they want to answer all your questions? Have they made conversation about anything else?

A lot of similar responders have done the same as you and added the word "personal" to the question "why don't people ask questions".

Do you not distinguish between "have you tried that new café at the bottom of Bridge Street?" and "have you ever had heamarroids?"?

My Nanna was from Co. Durham and she asked questions. She was staunchly working class.

I don’t think it’s about trying not to be nosey. My in-laws tell me every bloody detail about people I’ve never met, to an extent that those people would have good reason to be upset at the intrusion. How they find this information out is beyond me, as they never ask any questions or show a jot of interest in my life. Maybe it’s just me they’re not interested in, though.

My MIL is like this. She never asks the DCs anything either. When I had cancer (yes, she knew) she never asked how I was or what she could do to help. That crossed a line with me and I stepped back. The kids see her with my DH but I avoid contact - and feel 100% better - I felt in her case the silence was selfish (but accompanied by other symptoms)

The Silly Questions are the openers to the conversation you are happy to have.

Presumably you don’t want to just sit in silence and are prepared to participate in the conversation. So how do you actually get past the polite openers - did you not know that is their function?

Have you ever considered that you are just stand-offish and rude?

It's just not something I've experienced in the UK in any of the many middle class households I've been a guest in. There are individuals who haven't asked questions (who tend to be quite anti-social in all sorts of ways and who seem to exist in every class), but never whole families.

Fab thread. I used to look for resources occasionally to get all the kids talking and thinking at supper in the evenings. DD1 is an over talker and over sharer so would dominate and this way everyone got a go.
I do think it’s a learned skill for lots of people.
When I see something interesting, could be here could be IG I always ask the kids their thoughts.
We used to run through lots of MN situations and scenarios. Lots of critical thinking things. Lots of what might be the kickback and ripple effect from things that kids did at school. It was fun and got everyone involved.
DH is a story teller and while that is a skill it doesn’t let anyone else share what’s happening with them.