People who don’t ask questions

What a load of rubbish.

The OP is talking about close family members. She is not asking them details of their sex life or to see their bank statements. She is having - or trying to have - a conversation about all the sorts of things that people talk about in regular social interaction. It is not "personal" to talk about what your kids are up to at school or how your job is going.

No wonder so many on MN seem to struggle with very basic social interaction.

I had an ex DIL like this. They’re very hard work ! How can you have a two way conversation with someone. If I asked a question, such as how’s work been ? I’d just get a one word answer, end of conversation. I think it’s odd.

I think it totally depends on their other conversation skills. I have a friend who I love chatting to but doesn’t ask many questions but I share things anyway and she’s interested and listens and sometimes is prompted to share something similar. We also talk about people we know and laugh a lot about stupid stuff we’ve got up to in the past etc. I literally never noticed she doesn’t ask questions until I read your post and thought about it! I can also think of people I know who ask way too many questions and it gets annoying. I get tired of repeating the same facts about what’s going on in my life over and over and I might not feel like talking about myself in that moment. I’d much rather relax and have a laugh with someone without the pressure of being asked questions all the time. However, without any other conversation skills you do tend to notice a lack of questions more and I agree it does get annoying if it’s close family. My dad is an example, he asks me zero questions about my life, despite me asking him loads. But he also doesn’t offer up any other conversation. He’ll just sit there in silence or talk about the weather! It can be hurtful sometimes but that’s because he’s my parent.
You said something like “maybe she never learnt to ask questions” - surely that would mean your DH didn’t either as they’re siblings?

Will never forget dd2 year 1 queuing for the classroom. There was a silence and she turned to the mum next to us who I didn’t know well and said “do you have any nice plans for the weekend”? My work was done.

Most people who ask how you are don’t actually care - because the socially acceptable answer is “fine thanks, and you?” not “I feel absolutely shit” with a whole laundry list of reasons why.

My in-laws - laws have very poor social skills.
FIL is a storyteller. Mostly the same ones at length
MIL is underneath her snobby veneer not quick thinking.
SIL is another story teller.
BIL is silent.

After 30 years I'm done with the lot of them.
They never ask about me or are interested in us at all. I've tried volunteering information but there's never any follow up in a 'last time we saw you, this, how's that going' way.
SiL will be monologuing away and I'll interject something completely relevant and she'll still keep going.

Communicating, building relationships quickly, has been a big part of my career success.
DH has got a lot better over the years and it's now a really important part of his job.
The lack of effort from his family makes us both sad.

It's narcissism.

Where i grew up it was a sin to gossip, it was frowned upon to be nosey. It was praised to be quiet and still, that was considered intelligent and respectful to be able to sit in silence than fill it with chitchat. Coming to the UK it was different, people will readily chat if its to complain and moan or discuss the weather but the British are very easily offended and it can go from ok topic to personal very quickly, it's mindboggling. Most Brits I encountered either then freeze you out without telling you why you offended them they just avoid you, or they never really accept the apology and let go, holding grudges forever.
Sometimes I genuinely don't want to talk and replied to questions just to be polite to you, I was hoping you would get the hint and leave me alone. I accept that I am probably weird and awkward too.
I just think if someone isn't engaging, leave them alone stop pestering which is what people have done with me, I guess they thought I was shy ... I wasn't I just am not interested and just have to be there..
I have met people who do keep talking to you to make others notice that they are making effort and it's you who isn't nice or social, sort of setting you up to be portrayed in a certain way when they know you just don't like them specifically.

I don't think there's a consistent social norm on this in the UK.

Some people ask loads of questions but clearly don't listen to most of the answers and they're asking to be polite but the conversation ends up super boring as the answers are boring answers to a boring closed question.

Some people are really just waiting for you to tell them something interesting or talk something through if you actually have something to say, with just one opener.

Sometimes people are shy and sometimes they're just waiting to tell you what they want to say. Sometimes they don't know what question you'd like to answer I suppose. Sometimes they won't want to seem like they're interrogating you or asking a personal question. Sometimes I can remember a detail that would help the question (like the name of someone from a previous story)

In our (admittedly slightly spectummy) family there's a norm of asking, can I talk to you about...? (And you can say no if it's someone's special interest that you're sick of hearing about). In my dads family the style is just to launch in with a story, funny observation or bit of banter/insult to who you're talking to.

If you want to tell your guests something why don't you just tell them and then they can join in?

This is interesting, can you elaborate?

I find that someone asking a lot of questions can feel a bit like an interrogation - you answer and instead of them showing any actual interest in what you’ve said, they fire out the next question.

Personally I see most questions and small talk as one of those social norms that doesn’t actually make any sense when you think about it. I don’t believe anyone truly cares all that much about my job or my hobbies or what I did at the weekend - why would they? 🫣

My mum is the same. She has never asked about me, my children, or my life. It used to really upset me, but in the last couple of years, I've come to terms with it. Its caused permanent damage to our relationship because now I barely talk to her at all and see her just a few times a year. I used to think she didn't like me, now I think she's small-minded and rude. This post has helped, tbh!

Even if someone asks you how you are?

My sister and I found exactly this from our elderly relatives (two couples) a couple of years ago. Nothing back! DS said she’d changed jobs this year…didn’t ask what to, where or anything.
Turns out we’d all been to Belfast on holiday separately, we tried to join in when they talked about their trips as we’d been to those places too…nothing, just silence and then they carried on.
It was like that the whole time, anything we tried was met with silence, indifference or just ignored. Never used to be like that.

Tried to be part of things by asking questions about their lives, but felt too much like an interview so gave up. It’s soul destroying. We’re not boring people!

That was 2023, didn’t bother going in 24 or 25. In fact in 25 we weren’t invited. The family gathering was arranged for when we were both working on weekday lunchtimes. They’re obviously not interested in us, we don’t feel it’s a great loss.

Yes it’s really tedious having long staying guests who have no interest in anything.

My dad visits us maybe once every 2 years. Never asks any questions. Not even basic ones about the garden or toddler.

Last time he came we had had our wedding ( he couldn’t attend), built extension and renovated loads, Ds grew from 2-4 years, there was loads of new stuff built in the town we live in, new car, new neighbours came over. And he didn’t ask a single question about anything that had happened or he saw different from 2 years beforehand. I find it bizarre.

It’s not personal questions either. Like wouldn’t you ask ‘when did that huge outdoor swimming pool in town get built’?

I think the OP is talking about people who don't ask any questions rather than advocating only communicating by asking questions.

I would find it rude and intrusive to be asked so many personal questions. They may be family but if you haven't seen them in 10 years you are not close.
I wouldn't ask such personal questions either. If someone wants to discuss aspects of their personal life then they will, when they feel it is appropriate.
I have many interests,conversation with others is rarely dull, and you can learn a lot about someone in discussions about shared interests.
Some people don't want to open up to people especially those they are not close to- oversharing is a minefield.

Or perhaps these relatives are simply not interested in your work, your kid's school- pretty dull conversation anyway.

How does the conversation go if you wanted to respond with something that isn't the question they ask? In my family say someone has been on holiday, they'd tell us about it and I'd respond with a story about a similar thing happening on my holiday previously, they'd respond along the same lines still about their recent holiday and it would go back and forth naturally. With the question asking style if at the end of their holiday story they said to me "so where are you going on your next holiday?" and I've got nothing booked, does the topic end? Do you change the subject now and ask them the same "I've got nothing booked, where are you going for your next holiday?" Or even a totally new topic like how did you find work when you got back? Isn't that rude because you've ended their current holiday story discussion and moved topic? I find it very stilted when that happens.

Do you have kids OP?

Dh sister is like this. In 3 years of marriage she hasnt asked me a single question.
I don't think she knows my job, my children's names even! I find it very odd

Thanks for responding and I'm sorry if I was rude.

Without quotation marks "It is rude to ask personal questions" is just a statement. You've had a lot of responses treating it as such.

Of course people spotted the word "personal" - it was in your statement!

The OP asked "why don't people ask questions?" and nearly everyone who thinks not asking them is perfectly fine has added the word "personal" to it, presumably to deflect from their own social difficulties.

It is patently not rude to ask questions.

Very easily. We sit at a kitchen table. One of us says something, the other person responds with a relevant anecdote, the next person does the same. Everyone makes encouraging noses, then one person shares a funny story that happened at work. We laugh. Then someone else remembers something relating to that story from their own life, they comment on that. We have a discussion. Maybe gossip a little. Before you know it, we've had a whole conversation lasting several hours with everyone contributing freely and not a single question asked.

I absolutely detest people who sit there waiting for me to interrogate them in order to initiate a conversation. And if I don't ask any questions, they just sit in silence. Works both ways, you know...

Yes. This is how I was brought up. I share, reciprocallly with my close friends but I hate it when people I don’t know well/trust start probing, I know someone who does this and who will ask personal questions about friends of mine she hasn’t even met. It’s just nosy, prying and I suspect gossip fodder so I just answe briefly and blandly without giving any details.

By nature, I’m a private person, and I generally don’t tell people information about myself unless I specifically want to. I have nothing to hide, and I’m not trying to cultivate a secretive or mysterious air, I’m just private and don’t feel a need to share. I hate being on the receiving end of personal questions. I can still recall being in the queue for the Covid vaccine at work. Ahead of me was a woman from another department that I’d had some email exchanges with, in relation to work, and who I’d met on only one other occasion. It felt like she was shining a light in my eyes - are your parents alive? How old are they? Where do they live? How often do you see them? Are they in good health? Do you have kids? Are you married? Do you plan to stay here long term? It was horrible, intrusive and overbearing.

I'm amused at how many people here are at pains to point out that they ask questions not because they’re nosey, oh no, but because they’re interested in people. As if that’s not nosey!

Some people dont seem to care about others