People who don’t ask questions

Those questions are a bit of a gateway to something more exciting. If I start with “Hey, I heard you wrote a book! When is it coming out?” then it might be a few conversational jumps before we get into deciding who would be the hardest to beat in a school mum fight club. If someone started with the fight club right away there’s a chance that they may come across as blooming odd.

I have relatives like this- though they are very keen to tell us about their holidays in detail (they go to many beautiful places but tend to stay on the cruise boat!) and how wonderful their children/ grandchildren are. They never make a comment or ask anything. We always ask .

We are now so fed up of it we now see who can get in the most bizarre random fact in when talking to them to try and get a comment from them. They are so dull and we haven't yet managed to get them to comment. We are now upping our game!

The absolute worst are the ones where you ask a polite question. They answer at length. Silence. You ask another polite question. Monologue about themselves. Silence. We had a paying house guest like this once. By the end of the stay we both detested her.

It sounds awkward to avoid general chitchat. I personally don’t like being asked questions other than very general chitchat. I would find it even more uncomfortable to be met with silence.

I would find it rude and intrusive to be asked so many personal questions. They may be family but if you haven't seen them in 10 years you are not close.
I wouldn't ask such personal questions either. If someone wants to discuss aspects of their personal life then they will, when they feel it is appropriate.
I have many interests,conversation with others is rarely dull, and you can learn a lot about someone in discussions about shared interests.
Some people don't want to open up to people especially those they are not close to- oversharing is a minefield.
Many of us are protective of our inner worlds, and only share when it is appropriate.

I don’t introduce myself with my job title but if someone is talking about their work I’ll find a gap in conversation and mention what I do, or a common theme in what we’re talking about. Do you never volunteer information about yourself and your life without being directly asked?

This! I call it “listening with interest” and it does work. Make people feel listened to, valued and interesting for even just a minute. Breaks the ice. So many people do not have this skill.

I also know someone like your friend, she makes everything seem so effortless and everyone is just drawn to her. It’s amazing.

Yes. This is my type of conversation.

It wouldn't be the first thing I'd say but I'd mention it in context if relevant. If the other person was talking constantly about themself with no gaps for me to say anything I'd probably just zone out.

Actually, I wouldn't. I might say "wow, I haven't seen this huge thing built last time I visited" and you may respond with "Oh, yes. It was a real shocker when it went up last year" and I would comment "It's such a shame they obstructed the view of the park for the houses over there"...and so on and so forth.
And what would I ask someone about their new car? Or their renovation?

Does conversation not just flow? They talk about their lives and you tell them stuff that’s happening with you? Do you need to be asked before you tell them about life and work and school etc? I don’t tend to ask questions unless there’s something I want to follow up on we just chat about stuff.

Yeah, my step DIL is like this. Wrapped up in her own little world. I ask questions and get nothing back then sit there staring into space as I've run out of things to say! 😅I do think it's rude, and she knows nothing at all about me.

That's right. We're all discussing them here. Join in if you like.

Brother and sister in law - 20 years I’ve been part of the family and they’ve never asked questions (or indeed commented on anything). Just one example - turned up at Easter lunch in a sling after a shoulder op : not a single question , how are you, how’d it go, how’s the recovery.

my Teen dc started noticing aged 13 or so and now at family events it’s become a sport to see if their aunty and uncle ask them any questions or indeed comment on anything about them. Not how did your GCSEs go, nothing.

Aunty and uncle have similarly aged children and we dutifully ask about all their hobbies and how things are going and make encouraging and supportive comments. Aunty and uncle would have zero clue what sports our dc play, or that they are in this that or the other because they NEVER ask.

its so rude. I’m glad I’m not alone this thread has been very cathartic

Can you give an example of one of these non-intrusive sales questions then referring back? I’m pretty sure an estate agent for a house I showed some mild interest in is trying this 🤣 unsuccessfully…I can see right through him. It’s quite amusing though cos he thinks he’s a total charmer 😬

Do you often introduce yourself with job title? I find that more odd!
She just talks about herself. Wasn't at our wedding due to distance so has never met my adult dc

I doubt OP is asking what they earn or how sex is these days. Ffs.

That's the kind of question I dislike. It's why I hate going to the hairdressers. If I want to talk about it I will.

Would you not mention those things without being specifically asked. I find that odd.

Oh a few of my partners friends have wives and girlfriends like this. We will go out for dinner or be at a wedding and I’ll ask them about work/ their children/ anything that comes up in conversation. They must be happy to talk to me as we will have full conversations about their lives, but they never ask me a thing. I just assume they have no interest in my life 😂 my job is very boring in comparison to theirs, so I understand …but I do finish these nights thinking they couldn’t tell anyone a single thing about me!

It's really interesting reading this as it just highlights how everyone has different conversation styles...I do tend to get along better with anecdote sharers and often share my own that are related. Some people can interpret this conversation style as Tenerife/Eleven-erife personality though and I try to be mindful of that.
I also thought of another example that sometimes limits me with asking questions. A colleague that I've worked with for 7 years DH had a health issue...she had shared it and the next time we were in the office together, I wanted to ask her how he was doing but - MIND BLANK - could not remember her husbands name. I had several ideas for what his name might be but I really really struggle to remember names of people who I haven't met and therefore don't have a face to match it to. Same with other colleagues children. I couldn't very well ask 'How's your husband doing?' because I absolutely should know his name after her referring to him by it for 7 years. On that occasion I had to wait until another colleague came along and asked and realised it must have looked like I just didn't care. I now have a cheat sheet in work that I added to every time a colleague mentioned DH, DB/Dsis/DC's names which is ridiculous...but better than coming across like I have no interest in their lives when they often share things about their family.

I think there’s a whole range of reasons why ‘people’ (ie those different to you) may not ask questions.

I find people like this exhausting. I can’t understand how it can be so difficult to show some interest and ask how your family are, if you have any holidays planned, how your sick mother is, how your job is going etc… it’s called showing an interest in the other person and making two way conversation.
I prefer to keep time with these types of people at a minimum as there is only so much conversation you can have with them before it seriously dries up and becomes awkward.

Asking questions is the very foundation of building relationships. I worked in sales for years. One of the best skills I ever learned was that everyone likes to feel heard. So you ask non intrusive questions about them and then randomly refer back to what they said shortly afterwards. It needs to be done subtly.

Honestly it's so effective at drawing people in and now I do it automatically in social settings but when people respond really positively I feel manipulative and insincere.

My friend has an uncanny skill (better than me) of making people feel good - like she is incredibly interested in what they are saying (sometimes she is genuinely). She is a total people magnet. I've known her since we were three and she always has been.

KitkatFamily · Today 07:58
Where i grew up it was a sin to gossip, it was frowned upon to be nosey. It was praised to be quiet and still, that was considered intelligent and respectful to be able to sit in silence than fill it with chitchat.
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I would have loved your upbringing! I grew up surrounded by gossip and meaningless chatter, My mother firmly believed in 'making conversation' when none was necessary, interspersed with inane laughs. She'd talk about weather, the price of beef and things in newspaper headlines even if nobody was listening - and ask questions. I spent much of my childhood cringing with embarrassment.

Something in between is best.