People who don’t ask questions

Anyone seen the 30 minute voice note thread?! Everyone is telling him to run for the hills, which to be fair is probably quite good advice, but I'm desperate to know more about how this woman communicates in person!

Thank you very much for your concern, but actually it was the dishwasher… 🤣🤭

Bloody hell @MaturingCheeseball I'm already hooked and we've never met.
Are you near Exeter? I saw the news but it's impossible to really photograph the scale of stuff and also show the individual stories.
Lots of practical questions - what are you going to do, short, medium & long term. So many questions there.
I'd probably try and find something positive to say like puts 'stuff' into perspective, really focused you on the important, community, global scale. But ultimately get back to you and what you'll do over the next few days and how emotionally you currently feel.

My crazy random suggestion would be did you ever see Treme, a TV series based on the clean up after Hurricane Katrina, amazing TV but I suggest for awhile you watch something sci-fi based to escape where no one floods but they have blood thirsty aliens to contend with.

I'm genuinely sorry to hear your home has been invaded, best wishes. Xx hope you find better friends.

I thought of this thread when I had an interaction this morning. Me: “My kitchen flooded yesterday.” Acquaintance: “Hmmm, I must get someone in to look at my drains, I’ve never had them checked and I’m not sure where the stopcock is -“ etc etc etc.

They failed to ask any further about my soggy floor. Is this really ok according to some posters on here?

People always say that about social media but you'd think that the internet would have also helped a significant number of people and that that would at least balance it out. There are regular threads and articles about this subject and you'd think a decent number of people would come across and read them and that this would raise awareness that others find this behaviour alienating. And then there are loads of sites teaching these skills to people looking to learn them. Many people wouldn't have had access to that kind of advice in the past. Although there have always been books on this kind of thing. Harder to go to a bookshop or library though, undoubtedly.

I certainly can't say I found older generations any better overall - some of the worst offenders in my own family were older people! Many of them kind or good hearted in other ways but just totally lacking in awareness, and resistant of all efforts to make them more aware!

I think so, in part. Social media is contributing to a decline in social skills, perhaps.

But it's like AI. For now it is harming certain jobs. In the future when it is just hopelessly recycling its own previously generated garbage and getting more and more fucked? Intelligent human beings who can think and write and act and sift through machine-based BS will be like gold dust and will be able to command good salaries.

So, too, people who can communicate well with people in real life have more strings to their bow.

This may be the most interesting thread I have seen on MN. I think there are so many reasons we behave differently with conversation, how we grew up, and whether we are an introvert or extrovert. Neurodiversity must have a lot to do with it too. We maybe all need to learn to read each other more for a better flow of conversation.

With social media playing such a big part in lives now, maybe there is enough contact for people there to not feel they need much more in the way of conversation with people in the flesh…connection has become silent through texting.

To be fair, it's pretty rude to respond to someone's monologue or volunteered contribution with silence even if you find the approach a little rude or frustrating. I would probably find myself making a comment in the hope they might pick up on this but include a question in case they weren't any good at responding to comments. Strangely I find people who take this approach aren't typically great at responding to anything that isn't a question themselves although that's not always the case.

I think there's also third type who neither ask nor volunteer anything at all - you can prise a conversation out of them by asking a lot of questions but they won't ask much if anything back. Obviously I would only do this (try to prise a conversation out of someone) if in a situation where some sort of interaction was necessary/expected. If people don't want to talk at other times that's totally fair enough - I'm fairly anti-social outside of social situations myself but do try to pull out all the stops effort wise if other people have given up time and money to be somewhere for the specific purpose of meeting and talking to others.

I read somewhere that there are two types of people. The first type think it’s rude to bang on about themselves without being asked, as the other person might not be interested, and wait to be asked before sharing much. They ask lots of questions.

The second type think it’s rude not to instantly contribute to a conversation and offer up information without being asked. They get annoyed that they are the only ones making the effort and think it is rude when, after they have talked for a while, silence falls and the other person doesn’t say anything.

I remember finding it persuasive when I read it, but personally I fall within the first group. Except I think it’s a balance. Ask stuff - surely everyone likes people who take an interest? - but also offer stuff if things are flagging.

To me, questions show you are interested in other people and entering their world with them. And talking without encouragement can show a lack of awareness of whether the other person is still enjoying themselves.

Limited experience then.
I hate talking about myself, and feel uncomfortable when questioned persistently, which is why i don't do it to other people.

I would never ask someone if they have children. People generally volunteer something along the lines of indicating this, eg “Hugo’s football coach said…” or “We’re in full GCSE trauma…”

Likewise asking someone if they are married/have a partner, what job they do etc, but follow-ups that are not intrusive are fine I think. Well, anything oiling the wheels of interaction. I met someone just casually last week who had a very interesting job. I did lob quite a few questions at them because I was fascinated! They didn’t seem to mind and were very animated. (But according to some on here I was a veritable psycho for speaking at all…)

Yeah, I don't ask either, for that reason.

I actually wouldn't ask someone if they had kids. It can be a bit of a personal question and worse I think it's a question that can sometimes feel a bit like being asked "are you one of us?".

If someone mentioned kids however I might then ask how many or how old are they?

I hear what you're saying. I don't feel I owe people an explanation on why I don't have kids, but it's true that people can also feel uncomfortable baldly changing the subject. Personally I'm happy for them to do so, but they can't know that, so I don't mind oiling the wheels a little if necessary by saying (truthfully) that the clock just never started ticking for me and I'm fine with that. It also spares me any unnecessary pity. I do find it slightly irritating that people without children are subjected to curiosity on the topic, though - no one ever asks anyone why they do have children!

I disagree that it's hard to make conversation without children (either one's own or other people's) being the focus, though. Most people have hobbies/interests/views outside their role as parents, admittedly it's not always possible to find a lot of common ground, but there's usually enough to chat about other things as well as/instead of children for a while. (If all else fails, there's always the weather. 😄) I'm interested in how my friends' offspring are doing, so I do ask, but I'm more interested in catching up with what my friends themselves have been up to. Naturally the picture is different now that all my friends are middle-aged like myself, though, and no longer in the thick of bringing up their kids.

Some people are rude on the keyboard as well as in person, it seems!

So a colleague/person you’re sitting next to at something returns, flustered (in pp’s scenario) and says “Gosh, I just got locked inside the loo!” What is the reply? Do some of you posters say nothing? Or do you chime in with your anecdote about the time you yourself were trapped in a cubicle?

Dsis does this. Eg I said the other day, “I’m waiting for the plumber.” She didn’t ask why, but launched into her own long leak issue.

It doesn’t matter how you dress it up or excuse it, it makes the other person feel unimportant and that you don’t give a rat’s arse about them.

Really?! Why am I a keyboard warrior? Some very odd types on this thread!

She’s definitely made a name for herself over the years, I’ll give her that.

Did you want a medal? A pat on the back?

Again, you don’t need to ask questions to show an interest in people. I would expect someone in their 50’s to have a slightly broader view of the world than you apparently have 🤷‍♀️

Lol. Thea is the true MN keyboard warrior. Always the life and soul.;)

Seriously, if you get out of your circle and meet some other people from different cultures, you'll find a whole range of conversational styles and that different topics either are or aren't talked about by people from X and Y. Your interested question could cause grave offence, or, more likely, raised eyebrows and a little perplexity.:)

I have lots of friends old and new and a profession where I deal with people so I’m not doing too badly thanks. My approach of actually showing an interest in other people has worked out very well for me.

Well, you sound delightful and not at all judgemental yourself, so I’m sure they must be heartbroken to be missing out on a scintillating chat with you 🙄

Hardly. Just so weird. The only people I’ve met who never ask a question are the worst sort of self obsessed bores who monologue about themselves are asked a question by their unfortunate companion then they pick up their monologue about themselves again. Nightmare. I don’t voluntarily interact with anyone like this thankfully.

It’s okay. You don’t need to believe it or “get it”.

For someone who claims to be so social, you seem to have a very limited experience of how humans communicate.

For such a brilliant conversationalist, you sure don't seem capable to listening to the many, many replies you've got on this topic.

It’s not rude to ask questions at all. It’s about showing an interest, not interrogating!
OP, YANBU at all.