People who don’t ask questions

What if you didn’t always give the expected answers? If someone were to ask me about my weekend, it’s possible I might say “Oh the most ghastly thing happened - one of us left the car unlocked and someone went in and pinched a load of stuff from the boot and glove compartment. I had to call and get replacement National Trust and English heritage cards as the thieves thought they were credit cards!”.

Oh an estate agent would definitely be doing this! You just grab a couple of things like the person arrived from an aqua aerobics class (where did you travel from?) or their sister ran ths marathon (what did you do at the weekend?) and you are away. Next meeting - "Do you mind me asking your advice on something? I'm looking for some low impact exercise as my back is giving me trouble. You go to aqua aerobics don't you?" "My friend has just moved to such and such area. She's looking for a running club. Your family are runners aren't they? Could you recommend somewhere locally?"

I think for me it's probably because I'm so appalled at the long monologue approach that I find I don't want to respond in kind. That probably sounds a bit mean.

I mean, I personally don’t give a toss if someone’s kid does ballet lessons or not so I’m unlikely to ever ask about it - however I would expect someone who wanted to talk about their kids hobbies to just…do it. I wouldn’t expect them to need prompting.

Rule of thumb is that the first person asks three general things about the second ( in a coversational way, not interview style) The second person responds with 3 things about the first person( so how long have you worked at X, oh you might know Y she was there in the 90s etc etc) By then the conversation is either flowing easily( and possibly bringing in other people if you're at a group thing) or it's died a death. This is particularly important with online dating. If you meet in person and you ask Dave / Phil/ Steve three general things about himself in the first 15 minutes or so of meeting and he proceeds to make the whole thing about himself without turning it round to " So how about you......" then it's a warning that your whole life together will be about Dave / Phil/ Steve.

I can understand not asking about people you don’t know. I have a few people in my life who are perpetually on broadcast and it is hard work.

Re the great minds etc though - if the great minds were staying with someone, would they not occasionally ask if the host children still did ballet? Or would they only talk about stuff like whether communism is ever likely to be successful. Because that’s also hard work.

Yes this is how it is for me. I love hearing people flow about something they exerienced or are passionately interested in, especially if I know nothing at all about it.

My DH is like this. It’s maddening. He goes to see friend he hasn’t seen in years and he doesn’t ask about their personal lives or work or life or anything, just has some banter. Then he wonders why he doesn’t have any close friendships. He says it’s because he doesn’t want to pry. But I think curiosity and interest in other people is nice.

I find this odd too OP. I think it's often because people aren't that interested and it just doesn't occur to them to ask. It can make conversation really difficult though, particularly if you're not the sort of person who wants to talk about themselves at length and would prefer a more reciprocal dialogue!

Must admit though, I do sometimes avoid asking questions if my experience of that person tells me the answer is likely to be really long.

But why would it be odd?

This whole nonsense of having to sit through a load of superficial questioning that nobody actually cares about makes no sense to me whatsoever.

I know that when people ask how I am, they expect me to say “fine thanks, and you?”, and when they ask about my weekend they only want to hear about the good parts etc. It’s just all so pointless to me.

Most people are talking about how it’s rude not to ask questions but personally I think it’s much worse to ask a list of superficial questions that you don’t actually expect an honest answer to.

Ah well, it's specifically lower middle class I'm talking about here, and I'm sure none of your lovely friends would identify as being that! We are the class that dare not speak its name 😂

I don't think people's personal lives are the most interesting thing to have a conversation about. I'll ask questions but more likely to be about what they think about that book they just read, or current affairs, or that new art exhibition. And I much prefer being asked those questions than about my personal life as well.

If someone's going through something big (bereavement or job stress or whatever) I'll let them know they can talk about it if they want, but very often they don't (similar to me). But ultimately, no I'm not interested in my friends' parents or their kids' schools if everything's just ticking along mundanely - I'm interested in their thoughts and opinions on the wider world.

But you said they gave a long answer and then stopped, when they stop rather than searching for another question, tell them about you.

eh How are you? Oh you know Doris had her knee surgery and she’s been slow to get around, and what about the price of butter these days…. I hope her surgery has been successful, I know I was telling Boris the other day £5k for a tub of lurpak… and the conversation continues on.

I can see both sides. My mother is forever banging on about people I barely know about and care less. I don't ask questions about them in the hope that she'll take the hint that I'm NOT INTERESTED but she doesn't. That said, a little bit of polite small talk is required, so I can see why you feel awkward. Do these people make conversation in other ways? 'Great minds discuss ideas, average minds discuss events, small minds discuss people'.

I have a friend like this. Often when I spend time with her I feel like I’m interviewing her as is just me asking questions, she responds but doesn’t ask any back. And I’m not asking “personal” questions it’s just like… how was your holiday? How’s your daughter? Any updates on that wild colleague you told me about last time? Have you been watching the Traitors?

Oh now that's interesting, I'm North East as well. Technically middle class, but definitely at the lower end!

We used to host overseas teens and helped them with their conversation. Honestly some of these Spanish teens had better social skills than 60 something people talking their own language.

Yanbu. These people frustrate me so much. Until reading this thread, I labelled them as empty, boring people and steer as far as possible from them. How can one make it to 60 and not be able to converse with another. We're talking about, "how are you, how's work, what is your job, how is your family"... not meant as an inquisition but a 2 way Street. Isn't that how you get to know people?I can't tell you the last time anybody asked me a very personal question that I didn't want to answer. I don't regard them as rude, but the consensus that they live in their own tiny bubble and consider nobody else is also one I'd agree with. The pain of sitting next to someone and having to squeeze each word from their lips. Where's the family pet ?😂

I find with these types I can't tell the difference between the pause or them just drawing breath so they can carry on with the monologue. I suspect a lot of people that complain about others interrupting are people that do this. It's difficult to know when you can interject a relevent response to what they've said.

@Catza - so if you used to stay at families house and sleep on sofa bed in living room, and next time you visit your staying in a huge guest suite with en suite etc you literally wouldn’t mention it?

The pool is hilarious. It was an old green public space full of half broken buildings for years. Now it’s a huge outdoor thermal pool, full of people, restaurants etc. it’s lovely. Not one question. Just walk past as if it’s not there.

Another example Ds and I were in garden planting seeds, Ds comes in and tells grandpa he Finished planting seeds. No question at all from grandpa about oh what seeds did you plant, did you water them? Surely simple questions you ask small children who are trying to share something exciting.
On FaceTime recently Ds said to them about going to look at his school for September , no questions from them about where it is, did they meet teacher, what did they think will be exciting to do. It means Ds just gives up conversation

You sound like a good conversationalist and I'd totally respond the way you'd anticipate. That's definitely how conversations should be, but it doesn't preclude asking questions.

People on this thread seem to be stuck on a very dull set of questions; how are you? What is your job/how is it going? What hobbies do you have/how is that going?, but in reality questions can be an almost seamless part of a continuing conversation. "Do you remember when that was a cinema?", "when were you here last?"

It's a balance isn't it?

There’s a line between showing interest in others and prying for private info.

Failing to do the first is just as rude as indulging in the latter.

But when they answer do you not share something about yourself or your life linked to what they’ve talked about?

I don't think that questions are an essential requirement but conversations should be back and forth with some attempt at equity between people. Questions can be a useful tool to help balance and keep the conversation going.

Some of us do have to be taught how to have a conversation and work on our skills, no shame in that, we are all good at different things. Personally I give up on people who are too one sided very quickly, if I want a monologue I'll choose a podcast that interests me, I've no need to receive an impromptu one.

I don’t think you can predict how it makes someone else feel. I have a SUL whose mode of conversation is to ask lots of questions - I feel like I’ve been through the wringer by the time she leaves. Conversation doesn’t flow well because in her head the only way to show interest is to ask lots of questions.

There’s a real skill in being able to draw people out without asking questions, it gives the other person control of the conversation to share or not share without feeling rude for not answering direct questions.