People who don’t ask questions

I rarely ask because I dont want to seem rude/nosy. And also just because I forget or struggle to think of things to ask beyond how are you/how's work....

These threads actually make me feel quite self conscious and worry everyone in my life might secretly hate me. I do care i just never know what to ask?!?

Omg this is my sister in law! I completely understand what you mean. Every single topic of conversation is turned round to her. Frustrating, isn’t it?!

Yes - do you have any hobbies?
I would expect more than a yes or no. Yes i do abc on a Friday with xyz etc, have you seen or tried that?
Or no, and then a reason why, ie time/ family/ other commitments/ too tired atm/ enjoying being at home baking more.
Then you would ask what type of things they have baked recently, suggest that still a hobby but just from home, maybe ask for a recipe to be forwarded if interested.
yes or no only to mean is lack of interest

YANBU
The older i get the more i have noticed this. People don't ask questions. It does mean they are not interested sadly. Upsetting when it is close family. My mum does it. Talks at me for 2 hours. Asks one question but doesnt even listen to the answer.
Relationships should be 2 ways and often they are not

If you are closing those questions then you are exactly the sort of person people on here are complaining about. If someone asks you any of these questions then they are interested in your answer, and they are inviting you to say what they are, which would normally lead on to a conversation of some kind.

Anyone answering in yes or no answers to questions like this, are purposely being obtuse, and it would be extremely obvious that they either don't want to converse, they don't like you, or they have the social skills of potato.

Are they from the US?

These are only closed questions if you're ND. Have you been to any nice restaurants lately Angelina?"
We have. We tried the new Italian where Costa used to be. They've done a lovely job with it. Do you like Italian?"
"Do you watch the Traitors?'
" I've watched bits of the celebrity one. Quite liked XYZ. My favourite thing at the moment is Confession on itv.Have you heard of it?"

Depends on the person surely?

Someone asking you at a checkout for example is not going to care how you actually are. But someone you know, a relative or a friend, don't just ask you because it is the social norm, they ask you because the want to know how you are. I much prefer the 'I'm shit actually, and this is why..' people, to the 'fine' people, as they are choosing to end the conversation, they are exactly who many people on this thread are talking about.. the conversation killers, who answer in one word answers and never ask you anything.

And FWIW answering 'fine thanks, and you?' makes it's obvious that you don't want to talk and you are only asking the other person in return out of politeness, which in itself isn't conducive to a conversation.

I have siblings, one we talk about everything because we are always honest with each other, and the other we talk about nothing, because they pretend to be okay all the time, 'fine', even when they clearly aren't.. they normally take a bit of 'are you sure you're okay, you don't seem okay' before they actually talk to you about what is bothering them, but they still never ask anything in return.. it's hard work and sometimes I can't be arsed to cajole them into a one sided conversation in all honesty.

Liviving isolated unsocial lives can make you like this and so can being neurodivergent. I was someone who never asked questions because it never occurred to me that this was the social norm. I have to force myself to ask questions but I find it difficult to pay attention to their answers which makes the conversation difficult. I’m generally not interested in other peoples lives so asking questions does not come natural to me

@sandyhappypeople ,
Watched any good tv shows lately? Yes/No
Read any good books?Yes/No
Been out to any nice restaurants?Yes/No
Got anything planned this year? Yes/No
How are the kids getting on at school/college/work etc?
How's DH/DW?
How's your mum/dad?
Do you have any hobbies?Yes/No
Do you have any pets? Yes/No
Did you see this/that/the other thing that has happened in the news lately? Yes/No

Most of those questions are closed.

There may be some people who don't ask questions as they don't want to pry, but I think most people who do this are actually just rude and self centred.

My partner's adult DDs are like this and so are my two brothers. They can talk for hours about what they've done - house, car, job, hobbies, holidays, health - you name it. The most you get from them is "How are you?" like you might ask a random stranger, before they move on to talk about whatever they've done. If you do say anything about yourself, even if it's something most people would find really interesting ... "I went skydiving naked with George Clooney in the Himalayas" and they'd say something like "Oh that's nice, I've just come back from a week in Torquay myself" or whatever. They just don't give a shit about you or what you've done.

There was a character like this in Here We Go. I think they called him Uncle Void or something because talking to him was like talking into the void.

Surely it depends on the questions?

'Have you put on weight?' - rude
'Did you enjoy your holiday?' - polite small talk

You don’t need to be interested in ballet or whether a child does ballet lessons - the question would be to show an interest and invite the people you are staying with to talk about something they are interested in.

So how do you develop your family relationships? Do you expect them to tell you or do you just talk about the weather

It’s rude to not make any effort in conversation. Some people think they are above small talk but it’s just reality that we all need to do it to get the convo going.

There are rare times when I consciously don’t do it. For example when in work situations with men who are lazy conversationalists I will refuse to fill the silence to make others comfortable. I find some men see this as women’s role and are very lazy in conversation. My BIL never asks anything about anyone so I now do the same to him.

I find this whole discussion fascinating. I’m a witterer who will talk to anybody - grew up in the sort of place where strangers strike up conversations on the bus and shopkeepers called everyone ‘love.’ I was embarrassingly old when I realised that the question ‘How are you?’ isn’t always looking for an honest and detailed answer in response.

When I was a mature student I was asked to join a mentoring scheme, where the career changers were matched with 16 year olds. I was allocated this kid who had had a really rough start in life and a criminal record.

He wanted to break away from the damaging social scene he’d become a part of, but was painfully shy and found making new friends impossible. He had no idea how to talk to people, and said he hated chit chat because he didn’t like answering all the questions - his life was a bit shit and he was understandably sensitive about revealing any details.

Nobody had ever taught him to ask questions back. He thought a conversation was literally a one way cross examination. I taught him to give brief, innocuous responses, that it was ok to fudge or sidestep things he didn’t want to reveal, and to get the conversation focus onto the other person by asking them questions back. We did some role play.

Not long afterwards he came bouncing over to me excitedly (which was not his style at all) and said “Hey Venus, I tried that thing! I asked someone questions. It really works!” It was a revelation to him.

He was a really sweet kid. I learnt a lot from him too. I hope he managed to turn his life around.

That question is weird. My mum is a bit like this, randomly asks what’s your favourite record/film apropos of nothing. My fil was telling a lovely story about passing his driving test and the week after deciding to drive to Spain in his old clapped out car, talking about campsites and people they met. He paused for breath and my mum said „if you could have any car what would you have?“ . He is nearly 89 and can’t drive due to poor eyesight but was that really the question that occurred to you. She either asks no questions say when you are back from holiday or asks really odd ones and interrogates you.

As a non-questioner for me the idea that it's rude to ask a question comes from not knowing what the other person thinks is a personal question. In the situations people describe-eg. you turn up at an event with your arm in a sling and no-one asks you what happened-you think they are rude, for me I would be thinking, you haven't shared what happened and since it's so obvious there's a story there that you haven't told us therefore you consider it too personal a topic. Same as if I tell you about my holiday and then smile and look at you waiting for you to share about your holiday. You stare back at me, waiting for me to ask you a question. I would assume you haven't shared because you can't afford a holiday and are now thinking I'm insensitive or you are against beach holidays and think I'm lazy or something like that, because surely if you felt it was an open topic you'd like to talk about you'd just start sharing now I've stopped. If after I long pause you said, so how is your dog? I would assume we had nothing in common at all and that holidays were a sensitive topic for you. I would uncomfortably tell you about my dog but I'd now be wanting to get away and silence would be a relief. It is so interesting reading this thread. I am really going to force myself to ask more question and see how it goes.

' Only share when it's appropriate '.
If you are guests in someone's house ( as in Ops case) and staying for multiple days with people you are related to then it is entirely expected/ required that you will 'let people into your life'. If you can't do that then swallow the huge cost and stay in a hotel.

Where are they from ?

Oh my gosh I had so many dates like this. You've brought back some traumatic memories of my thirties. I'd be there smiling along politely asking questions based on what they were saying while mentally deciding to never see them again. They'd be shocked at my lack of interest as we 'really connected'. This happened so many times.

Now, fifteen years later, I wouldn't dream of wasting my evening indulging this crap. I'd be saying straight out "this isn't going anywhere, you haven't asked me a single question. Let's say goodnight. No I'm not actually leaving, I got dressed up and organised a babysitter and I really like the food and atmosphere here. I'll be enjoying my book at another table for the next hour or so."

This made me smile. I could win the Nobel prize for literature and my mother would say 'Well your brother ......" and proceed to tell me he'd put up a shed. Because no one had ever put up a shed as well before.😂

Okay so I’m really bad at this. I struggle to ask questions because I feel like I don’t know what to ask and worry I will say the wrong thing, then when I don’t talk enough my anxiety spirals again because I know people must think I’m weird or dull. 😢 I really want to get better at conversing with people in a natural easy way and I do try. I just wish it felt natural to me the same as it seems to for other people.