People who don’t ask questions

I ask personal questions all the time and people just SPILL. Or, at least, real questions about things that matter. I had a woman last week, age 37, telling me that she couldn't decide whether or not to have children, and it was the dilemma and pain of her life. I had met her fifteen minutes earlier. I was a bit surprised! I actually hadn't asked anything specific on that occasion! I also give a lot away myself, which I think encourages sharing.

I have visions of your relatives sitting up in bed at night saying "lovely hosts, but they do ask an awful lot of questions."

Hm, I'm not sure I buy that I'm afraid - at least, not in all cases.

People make small talk because it's the expected thing to do, not because they're actually interested in getting to know you.

I don't buy that people care about my job, or what I did last weekend - but maybe that's because I don't care about those things either.

They are interested in your response and how you use it to move on the conversation .
So in answer to “do you watch the football then?” I could say “No” or I could say “Hardly ever sadly, only really watch around the World Cup so I’m afraid I would just be showing my ignorance of the sport. I’m more of a reader/gardener/holidays/ politics/owning leopards sort of person.”
Can you see the difference- the question is the attempt to find common ground. The first answer says No, Try Again, whereas the second says No, but try these.

They're only dull questions if your answer is dull though - surely you try and drop in a few interesting bits of info so the conversation can go somewhere more interesting if you're able to?

I once had a conversation that went something like this:

Me: Where are you from?
Her: Cornwall - I really miss it.
Me: Ah, that's a shame, yes Cornwall is beautiful, I can understand why you miss it. Do you get back there often?
Her: Well, we used to only manage once a year because we couldn't afford it and I always used to dream of being able to afford to go more often, and then we won the lottery and I thought we'd be able to go as often as we wanted which would have been the case had my husband not gone and bought three leopards with some of the money. And now we can't go very often because it's complicated finding someone to watch the leopards (details slightly changed but this was the jist of it..)

This opened up many interesting avenues, about all sorts of things as you can imagine! I looked her up later online and sure enough there was something in the paper about her having won the lottery! Nothing about the leopards but presumably the purchase had been made after the article! She was very happy to talk about all of it though!

Not everyone has won the lottery or bought leopards with the proceeds but most people are able to drop in a few things that make the conversation more interesting, even when the opening gambit is fairly unoriginal.

You can generally tell if someone is painfully shy or very socially awkward.

But it’s also apparent if someone is downright boorish and simply broadcasts with no attempt to involve the other person.

People can dress it up however they like, but that behaviour is rude. I am a friendly and tolerant person, but recently it has been getting to me that I seem to be seen as An Ear.

I think I'd say some things back about said topic but only so much without further questions or prompting. I think prompting also counts for me.

I mean, yes, of course some questions are necessary at some point, but I think the things people are objecting to on this thread are the kind of dull, superficial questions that people clearly only ask because it's expected of them, rather than because they're actually interested in your response.

There’s a difference between polite conversation between strangers or acquaintances and actually getting to know someone though. Think about your relationship with your best friend or your partner. At some point you shared personal information. And whereas I would agree it’s often offered without asking, at some point, in order to continue the conversation, you have to ask a question.

I find that fascinating - so if someone commented something about (for example) your dog, or your outfit, but didn't ask a direct question, you would automatically assume they found you dull rather than see it as an attempt at conversation?

If someone didn't ask me anything I think I would assume that I'm boring them.

Some people are also introverted and socially awkward.

not everyone is trying to be rude.

There also seems to be quite a few MN'ers who can't seem to cope with anyone who does things differently to them.

I don’t know whether we are speaking at cross purposes here.

Yes of course we start an opening bid to get the conversation going and then I would answer in a way that invites further talk that is less small talk. But if you ask. “are you reading anything interesting at the moment?” and I answered “No.” And then you asked “Do you think Trump will take over Greenland?” And I said “I don’t do politics really.” wouldn’t it be fair for the third question to be “Can you go sit in the corner please, you rude woman?”

There is a hard rump of Mumsnetters who spend a lot of time saying how much they loathe Small Talk but seem utterly clueless as to how to move beyond it. Ugh

I wasn't responding to the situation in the OP.

shy, autistic, introverted but craving humans presence and general noise of life

The op hasn't said they are rude, she said the children are lovely and the guests are helpful, cook, etc.

I expect they are having a lovely time and will give profuse thanks when they leave.

I think some people are just not able to have small talk

Personally I wouldn't bother try to maintain a relationship with someone like that, whether they're my in-laws or not.

I'd say something like "Jane tells me you two met at X?" and would expect the conversation to flow naturally from there.

I have no issue with the odd, natural question but when people just bombard me with (what feels like) a generic list of things, it's really off-putting and feels incredibly impersonal.

Well no, if the other person doesn't respond, obviously not?

My SIL is a perfectly nice, kind person. She has no conversational skills AT ALL. She'll answer a direct question briefly and that's it. She doesn't say hello if you come into the house/she comes into the house.

I do find it rude but have given up trying to engage her as it just ends up with me asking lots of questions.

It's like trying to light a fire when the logs are damp.

My in laws are like this. Lovely people and great fun but I ask about jobs, kids etc and they never ask after our family or jobs etc. I find it very odd

@Tpu You ask a question that invites the other person to talk, not barrage them with question after question.

I used to be in a book group. There was a woman who came, but never said anything. The rest of us would try to engage her, asking her what she thought about the book and other general small talk questions, but her responses were always short and closed. She seemed to enjoy herself, and kept coming back for months, but just never really joined in.

We gave up trying beyond a “Hello Jane, how are you?” and she would just sit there silently on the sofa, then go home again at the end. She gave me a lift home once - I thought maybe she might find it easier to talk one to one, so tried to chat en route, but she was exactly the same. It was honestly so odd.

@WhatNoRaisins , there's a difference between personal questions and reciprocity.

Volunteering information might be something like 'Is it ok for me to work 10-6 tomorrow as I have an eye test at 9?'.

Reciprocity might be something like 'We went to Spain on holiday last year. Have you been?'
No, not yet. Did you enjoy it? Where did you go?