People who don’t ask questions

People don’t realise how lacking in social skills they are. They can be very dull company.

Quite a few posters have said they are ND and find conversing difficult but wish they didn't, but the majority of anti-questioners sound either superior, anti-social, inept, rude and hostile. Which is fine by me if you're happy with it.

I've just quoted both of you as you've both said similar things.

I've struggled socially all my life - but I was only diagnosed with autism last year at the age of 36. If you'd asked me even five years ago, the idea that I might be ND or autistic wouldn't even have crossed my mind, even though I've often been told I appear rude, condescending, stand-offish and odd.

Why does everyone have to fit into your ideals?

They don't. But there are benefits to fitting into society.

Maybe they’re quiet

Of course, but people will find them stand-offish and some will think it's rude.

lots of intrusive questions

Again with the same exaggeration: nobody has advocated "lots" of questions. Like so many others on this thread you've added that to strengthen your point.

intrusive questions

Ditto. So many have explained that they are not suggesting "intrusive" or "personal" questions.

talked at all the time

That is not what people mean. You (and so many others here) are deliberately taking accepted friendly, engaged conversation and extrapolating it to ridiculous extremes, which anyone in their right mind would find annoying. You are all being obtuse.

Quite a few posters have said they are ND and find conversing difficult but wish they didn't, but the majority of anti-questioners sound either superior, anti-social, inept, rude and hostile. Which is fine by me if you're happy with it.

Agree OP. Reciprocating and asking appropriate questions is a normal social skill. Some people really don’t have this.

We had some cousins visit and by the end we knew absolutely everything about them their children, all their achievements etc but they did not ask one thing about us. We are not people who rabbit on about ourselves, but it is just the natural flow of conversation.

People don’t realise how lacking in social skills they are. They can be very dull company.

I always used to feel like this with my late MIL . She never asked questions about her grandchildren so never really knew them as well as my own DM . Even things like when they had got their exam results she wouldn't ask how they had done. I used to think she wasn't that interested in us. I did find her a bit difficult and she probably thought I was too nosey or something. Trying to make conversation with her and asking a further question about something she'd said was often met with quite a rude reply ' I don't know I didn't ask any questions ' .

Asking questions and making small talk is something I really struggle with - it’s not a skill that everyone has. I’ll spend ages in silence thinking about things I could ask and then dismiss them for being boring/stupid. I’d love to just be able to think of questions on the spot! It may be that a lot of people are rude or uninterested, but for others it may be that they have never learnt the art of small talk.

I don't have kids, grand-kids, nieces or nephews so maybe I'm not the best person to ask.

One time in that situation I noticed that the ladies' loo had a very comfy sofa...!

Some people just don’t ask questions. About anything. I find it very one dimensional.

I guess for me, jobs and kids are just not very interesting to talk about, in the majority of cases.

When you answer that you don't have kids though, do you ever try to provide a little information about how you feel about the situation to help the person navigate the conversation with consideration? It's hard to respond to a blunt "no I don't have kids" if you don't know if this is something the person is sad about and to what degree - ie would they rather avoid the topic of children at all in every situation (which some people do) which of course will make conversation very difficult for someone whose kids are a big part of their lives. Or are they quite happy to hear about other kids which makes things much easier. I tend to indicate that I don't have kids - that I'm a little sad about it in some ways but it was also to some degree a choice, then I immediately ask about their kids (or if they have any if that hasn't been found out yet) to show I enjoy hearing about other people's families. Maybe they'd prefer a complete change of subject but then if that was the case why didn't they change the subject themselves when it was their turn to talk? It can look quite rude changing the subject after someone's told you that they don't have kds as it can come across as implying that childlessness is so awful and tragic that it must never be acknowledged or spoken about.

See that chap screams neurodivergent to me. Very typical way to show empathy is to try and relate an experience of your own to show that you understand how the person feels.

FFS. No it isn't. How else does conversation happen? How else are friends made?

That's the kind of thing my 8 year old nephew says, who isn't yet old enough to grasp nuance.

Have you seen all the threads on here from people who don't want to attend XYZ and are guilted into it anyway? I suspect that plays a part for many.

I think I struggle a bit to understand why you'd put yourself into a social situation and not at least try to pull your weight socially. I get that you won't always feel up to socialising but some people seem to willingly put themselves into this position whilst being completely unwilling to make any effort. Obviously people have their reasons but it's not something I can easily relate to.

To be interesting, you've got to be interested

My partners Dil and son are like this. Never ever ask anything, only speak about themselves but are as nosey as f#ck to other family members about us, interrogating them about the slightest thing or snippets of gossip, also apparently downplay anything good & are sneery. I suspect they tear us apart in private. I guess they don't need to ask us anything as they've done their homework. Weird.

My sister in law is like this. A conversation to her is like a presentation; she gives a speech about what she/family has done, we ask questions and she answers. If one of us then says “we went to xxx on Saturday…” she would not ask anything about it. No questions about our health, what the children are doing at school, nothing. I agree OP I think is weired and rude.

I don't think the issue is fitting into other people's ideals so much as being decent enough not to make other people feel uncomfortable or as if they're non-entities in their own home. If you've created a lot of work for someone by asking for their hospitality (or accepting their offer) then you have to expect to make a minimum level of effort in return (which to be fair, the guests seem to understand in other ways hence how they're offered to cook, shop, clean etc even if they don't enjoy these things or particularly want to do them).

By not pulling your weight conversationally you're creating a lot of extra work for other people. If you hadn't put yourself in a situation that requires a bit of conversation/interaction in the first place it's totally fair enough to be reluctant to engage but that's not what the OP's guests have done. They've put themselves in a situation that requires quite a lot of social interaction to avoid making others uncomfortable in their own home. And to be fair they seem quite happy to answer questions and talk about themselves. Just not reciprocate the effort of showing interest back.

And when I say "you" I mean the OP's house guests mostly! Not you specifically.

And has been pointed out before, the questions aren't in any way intrusive - just basic showing an interest in others.

Yeah, I think the question itself is innocuous enough and I don't mind being asked it, although I tend to avoid asking others point blank in case it's a sore subject – I usually wait to see if anything about kids comes out in conversation.

I have to say, there have been occasions when I've felt conversational doors closing when I say I haven't got kids. More when I was the age everyone was having them, really (I'm post-menopause now). I used to get a definite vibe of 'well, I won't have anything in common with her, then, will I?' from some women, followed by little or no further attempt to converse, which I always found a bit sad.

What was also annoying is when my replying that I didn't have kids was greeted by some people by a sort of head-tilty gesture and expectant look like I was supposed to go into chapter and verse about why I didn't. Or – even worse – sympathetic looks (unnecessary, as I'm childfree by choice). That kind of thing speaks just as loudly as actual words. One of the few perks of getting older is this kind of thing more or less stopping, although because I look a bit younger than I am I'm still occasionally subjected to 'encouraging' looks paired with the words 'There's still time!' (er, no, there very much isn't, and that's fine by me.🙄)

If you're forced to talk to someone difficult, most people are interested in themselves and in their own narrow opinions on things, so you just focus on that. You accept that some people have absolutely no interest in anybody else or in anything outside their immediate lives. If that person doesn't want to talk about themselves or their family, about where they live, their work or any interests or holidays, or about where you both are at that moment (eg a wedding), then I suppose you try to maintain a calm silence until you can get away.

I wouldn't feel solely responsible for continuing the conversation, no. If I'd made several attempts and the other person wasn't responding, I'd just talk to someone else (it's not like I'd be sat on my own with a stranger). I wouldn't start asking them questions.

But what I'm asking is what if you can't physically move on because, say, you're at a wedding and have been sat next to someone for the duration of dinner (an hour or so). You have to find a way to make conversation somehow or sit in silence. Would you just sit in silence?