People who don’t ask questions

It’s called having a conversation and most people start off a conversation by asking a question. It’s only rude if the questions are inappropriate and probing but talking about your day to day life is not rude!!!

Because not everyone rude is ND. And I know my close family.

This is just one of the several conversational styles I use.

I'm NT (although I have a thing about textures: some I can't even look at, let alone touch, but others I can't walk past without touching).

I have a casual acquaintance like that. I like her but I know everything about her life - her family, their jobs, her neighbours, her friendship groups, her holidays, etc, etc - because that is the sole topic of our conversations. If I interject with any news I may have, she totally ignores it makes no discernible response. As she is only a casual friend, it is OK, but I couldn't see a person like that as a real friend. It is very odd not to be interested in anybody but yourself. Most people want to have a conversation which involves genuine interest in the other person and some sort of exchange of information.

In the example the OP gives, I think it is very strange that her guests appear to show no interest whatsoever in their hosts' lives and what has transpired in the intervening years. I would start to find this lack of interest a bit irritating but as, in other respects, her guests are thoughtful and helpful I think I would console myself with that.

Certain family members ask questions I don't want to answer and so I don't ask that type of question of them if yiu get my drift. As an example, my dd as a teen was having a tough time for various reasons and if asked how the kids were getting on I would just say fine. Dd would have been mortified for me to mention her issues. I would then consider whether me asking questions about their dc, would encourage a deeper delve into my children's lives. I know it sounds odd to modt, but not everyone had great lives, not awful but things they don't really want to share so they keep details brief and don't keep the topic going by shutting the conversation down. Family or not, I suppose it doesn't give us the right to know everything about ease others lives.

Recently, I wanted to go to a local exercise class. But then I realized the instructor was a woman I had previously met at a local park while with our children. After half an hour, there was nothing I didn’t know about both her children: their full names, weights at birth, where they went to school, etc etc. She didn’t ask a single question about my own little girl, who was playing beautifully with her kids.

Of course, I don’t expect anyone to have any real interest in me or my children. But if someone has listened politely while you talk at length about yours, it is nice to exhibit just a token interest, just to show you’re not bored to tears simply by the sight of them. I didn’t book her classes because she pissed me off. Ha! Really cut off my nose to spite my face. That’ll show her! 😆

I enjoy asking questions. I find people endlessly fascinating. People are full of surprises. It must be pretty dull to have no interest in others.

Then why hang out with OP at all if they have no interest in speaking with her or in her life?

I’m not sure why everyone on this thread seems to be afraid of ‘prying’. My best mates tell me the most sordid and detailed information about their lives without even being asked 😂 My sister video calls me from the bath fgs. I have about 10
good friends and I know every diagnosis, issue with sex life, addiction, mental health worry, bad night out story they have…

Do other people just not know their friends and family deeply and stick to the surface?

Fil switches between Storyteller and interview mode
SIl is just a storyteller
MIL is strangled by insecurity, she will speak well prepared 'bon mots' but isn't quick witted enough for a conversation.
BIL has interestingly worked very hard in therapy and self reflection and now includes learnt cues, he tries bloody hard and I love him for that although he is still rubbish.
The in-laws aunt and uncle's families aren't like that at all. It's all chat, chat, chat. Not hard work and really balanced.
There was another in-law uncle and he had a similar up his arse stick and no wider interest in others. If you got him on train timetables, that was his passion. At work I value specialized interests, it's work but in my family life it's just rude.

I have said to my DDs to clock the future in-laws social skills, fuck I have suffered too long with my in-laws. I caught DH young so have to a point moulded him but it's still hard when around his family particularly with senior ill health requiring support.

Just like my MIL was. I used to find it strange

Can I ask: do you have occasions in your life where people speak to you, or with you? If perhaps you find talking is only ever done AT you, could the problem possibly be at your end?

My mum is like this. She’s 90 but was the same when she was younger. She definitely wouldn’t ask because she says it’s not her business and it’s rude and nosy to ask. She says if someone wants to tell her things, they should say. I do find it very odd. Even when her best friend of 60 years was dying, she didn’t like to ask what was wrong with her.

My husband's family is like this and I really hate it. It's so rude. I'm interested in my friends / family. I want to know what's happening in their lives, are they happy / struggling, I want to share their highs and be there for their lows. I back off immediately from anyone who doesn't ask questions / show interest in my life. It's not the kind of friendship I want. With the in-laws I have accepted it and don't make as much effort with them anymore, I'm just neutral. They're not bad people but it drives me nuts.

I don’t really ask questions, a few people have pulled me up on it. I don’t do general chit chat, maybe because I am autistic and ADHD, I find general chit chat boring and forced, I also hate people asking me questions as it leads me to over share (I tell it how it is). I can hold a conversation when I need to but I find asking questions about things I am not that interested in really hard. Maybe they are just not interested in where you have been on holiday or how high up you are at work?

Thank you 😊 It has been a whole lot of faith that has kept me sober thus far and the sheer fact that I no longer want to keep embarrassing myself 🫣

It’s their inability to hold a conversation.

My aunt was visiting our extended family and she asked my cousin who did her hair. She snapped back ‘why’ at my aunt. All my aunt was trying to do was make conversation, as the other cousin spent their visit laying on the lounge, not even getting up to greet the visiting family or join them at the lunch table.

their mother sat in another room, so you know where that came from, and aunt couldn’t wait to get out of there.

they had been invited by the brother, so it wasn’t like they just rocked up.

To me that's an interaction, I think a group discussion comparing similar stories can be fun. I'm talking more about people that just talk at you and don't let you get a word in edgeway. That makes me feel like I'm just a dustbin for their verbal output.

Many ND people use shared experiences as a way of bonding - so if you talk about (for example) a disastrous train journey, their way of empathising with you is tell you about a time they had a similarly awful journey.

It's not that they're ignoring you or aren't interested in your experience, they're trying to show you that they know how you feel.

I guess some folk must like having a physical body for a sounding board.

Your purpose isn't necessarily the same as someone elses

Yep - many autistic people share their own similar experiences as they feel it's a good way of bonding. They don't mean to make things all about them, it's their way of saying "I know how you feel".

neurodivergent people don’t really ask questions just to make conversation. I certainly prefer a yo-yo-ing of sharing your own experiences. I always feel like if someone wanted to tell me something then they would share it

neurodivergent people don’t really ask questions just to make conversation. I certainly prefer a yo-yo-ing of sharing your own experiences. I always feel like if someone wanted to tell me something then they would share it

Unfortunately that doesn't work for me. I can manage well enough for short periods, but I need a massive rest afterwards. Whenever I've had to do it regularly (as in, for work) I've ended up medicated and in autistic burnout.