People who don’t ask questions

It’s not rude to ask basic questions of how your host is doing when you haven’t seen them in a while.

Ha ha, MarcColon, I think you're right in that getting a brand new anecdote can be a genuine little boost of joy in these situations! And you feel like ah, if only we could just have a few more of these!

Have they been yet? I'd love to know more about your super cool job but a public forum probably isn't the place. So frustrating not to be asked when there are no limits on sharing, beyond your own judgement.

I can see why they might not want to talk about the Dickensian stuff but at the same time, do you have any other way of finding out about it? If it's your close family it would be helpful to know the basics, but yeah, maybe they just want to let their hair down and forget it all and your company is where they do that in their own way?!

Grant me strength everyone. The in-laws are arriving. Fil will tell his 'amusing anecdotes' which I absolutely guarantee I've heard before. MIL will smile serenely. That woman must be on some crazy speech suppressants for the last 30 years.
It's all going crazy in the family - school refuser, cancer, terminal cancer, divorce, debt it's positively Dickensian but none of that will be mentioned.
I've left my super cool job, which they never asked me about, then resigned from the new one so back to the old but that won't be asked about.
My plan is to solo walk the dog multiple times, including a long stop in a cafe because to be fair she's not much of a walker.
Disrupt the anecdote flow, because it is interesting when you get a new one.
Ignore MIL, she has always been the worst kind of snobby bitch.
Repeat, I support DH, I support DH.

This happened to me too but the daughter in question was 22 🤣 Long monologue about her and her travels but not one question about us, our kids etc, absolutely nothing!

As I've said (multiple times) I would tell a similar story that I feel the other person would relate to, or find interesting, or I would comment on an aspect of the story I'd been told without asking a question, as I would worry that they would find a question intrusive or inappropriate.

You only need to ask a few questions to be told 'None of your business' to stop asking questions.

DH is like this, he'll happly tell you everything about his toolbox(es) and his local footy team but won't once ask how my parents are as 'he assumes if I want him to know then I'd just tell him'.

Honestly you haven't, you just keep saying about sharing similar stories as a way of having a conversation and never 'having to ask questions', but as far as I know you haven't given any examples of what you would consider a normal conversation.. apart from to say that examples of conversations that people are posting on here make no sense to you.

I'm not trying to catch you out or say you're wrong, you're autistic so your definition of 'normal (to you)' and my definition of 'normal (to me)' will be different, but neither is right or wrong.

I am genuinely curious as to what is 'normal' to you though, and how you respond to people telling you about something, you don't ask questions, but do you give off other social cues to show you are engaged?

Same! I’d assume they were bored stiff if I got nothing back and would shut up.

Agree, I couldn't do this at all. If I was to start talking about Ella's job, catch my breath and get no response from person I'm talking to then I'd be too self-conscious to carry on talking. I'd keep my thoughts about Ella's new job to myself or wait until I could speak to a responsive person about it.

People have given you multiple examples but for some reason you still choose to believe it’s impossible.

I’ve answered this multiple times on the thread already so don’t feel as though there’s any benefit in repeating myself.

Luckily the people I know would just carry on telling me about Ella’s new job anyway.

So they monologue about Ella's job and you just sit there listening until they've finished? Do you interject with anything at any time? Body language, facial expression, nodding etc?

Who is saying anything about “rules”? It’s just showing an interest in other people.

Thinking about it most interactions I have with others be it family or friends is based on questions - “how was your day” “did your friends like your homemade biscuits” when teen gets home or asking friends how their week was etc. I can’t imagine how I would interact if I didn’t ask anyone any questions!

I’m not sure it’s my issue that other people are apparently incapable of talking about something without constant prompting from another person.

Luckily the people I know would just carry on telling me about Ella’s new job anyway.

In terms of social cues - you’re right, I don’t particularly care much about following a load of random made up rules that don’t make any logical sense half the time 🤷‍♀️

That is definitely a 'you' issue, saying something and then hesitating before continuing is a VERY common way of gauging interest, if you get nothing back, you'd likely feel like the other person isn't listening or isn't interested (which it doesn't sound like you are in fairness), so would tailor their conversation with that in mind.

I'd most likely say at that point, 'oh yes, how did she get on?' or but then I'm not a selfish conversationalist, if I'm interested in chatting to them I will prompt them in the appropriate places to show I'm listening and engaged and let them talk about whatever they have brought up.

With respect I think you may be exactly the sort of person OP was referring to, you don't seem to understand social cues, or care enough to implement them.

See, if someone said to me “Ella started her new job on Monday” and then just didn’t say anything else, I’d find that really peculiar and wonder why they bothered telling me in the first place 🤣

Yeah to me that just seems to be a group of people each shouting into the wind that just happen to be in the same location. It's multiple monologues rather than a dialogue between people. It's something I personally would give up on very quickly.

But surely it's easy to move on from a topic that doesn't yield any interesting information or that one or both people don't seem to want to talk about?

"What do you do?",
"I'm an accountant and I hate ever minute of it, but it pays for my holidays which I live for"
"Ah, nice, what kind of holidays do you go for - are you a city break kind of person or do you prefer a beach and pool set up or something else entirely?"
"We're into cruises because we like seeing new places and meeting randoms and there are always lots of randoms on cruises"
"Oh really? tell me more about the randoms on cruises😂....

Obviously you keep going until you find something that both people are happy to talk about and that hopefully yields some funny, interesting stories. Nobody knows or can be expected to know what's going to trigger a stranger, to make a point already made a great many times. You have to go with something but it's relatively easy to move the conversation on to something else if it's not what one or both people want to talk about. I've had times in my life where I've had a job I loved talking about and that other people were always interested in hearing about too, and times when I've not been working due to ill health where I've felt a little insecure. But ultimately it's never an unexpected question so you have plenty of time to think about how you might answer if things aren't all rosy - most people are just trying to connect and find ways to engage.

And I stand by my assertion that there's no such thing as a boring question - most questions can be answered in interesting ways. Your job might be dull but surely you have an eccentric colleague or a crazy ex-client who you can tell a few stories about. If not, move on to something you'd rather talk about. There are lots of fairly obvious and easy pivots from a question as common as what do you do for work.

Agree with the job thing. Asking someone what job they do is, annoyingly, one of the most common ways of breaking the ice/starting a conversation. It can actually be really intrusive. I was out of work for a couple of years due to some MH issues, so that simple question triggered having to 1. Admit the shame of being unemployed and 2. Talk about my MH health issues to a virtual stranger. It’s also just a really boring question, unless you’re an astronaut or a top film producer, no one wants to hear about what you do in the office! And most people don’t actually want to talk about their jobs either. So why do we constantly ask this irritating question?! Your job doesn’t define you.

@MangaKangai completely agree. I hated talking about my job. Apart from anything else it was impossible to explain what I did and I just wouldn't talk about details of it. I preferred to leave work at work. Yes, seemingly innocent personal questions can be upsetting for some people.

Right. Your seemingly innocuous question could really be hurting someone, not to mention annoying them.

I personally have always hated being asked what job I do. Cannot bear it. Don't like talking about work when I'm not there. I don't care what anyone else does for a living either. It's the least interesting part of a person to me.

Yes but many of us have said that family members never ask a question. Or a follow-up. Eg “Ella started her new job on Monday.” Silence.

For the nth time of course grilling people or asking potentially sensitive questions is rude, but some people’s idea of conversation seems to be each person broadcasting, neither listening, let alone participating .

I'm with @BestZebbie. My job was to ask about every detail of people's lives. Now asking mundane questions seems daft. I am interested in my friend's lives but I don't want to ask questions that may be none of my business or may trigger something that has upset them. I hate being asked questions. If a want to tell friends something I will. I have a friend who always asks strangers just as a way of opening a conversation "do you have children? And grandchildren?" I find this massively uncomfortable. Even supposed neutral questions can be uncomfortable for some. I prefer to talk about news topics, fashion, hobbies, even the weather rather than be asked questions about my family. In any case, if some people are disinterested in your son's promotion or your child's new tooth, it doesn't make them uncaring or unkind. If you want to read it as rudeness that's up to you but it's probably not.

My mil and FIL of 25+ years have never asked me a question! Totally self absorbed.

Brilliant!
So if we were chatting casually , we'd probably talk about the news then swing back to your dishwasher - operator error or sentient bastard, because that's the way conversation works.

Has your flooring survived?