To wonder why having young children turned me into someone I don’t recognise?

While a lot of this post resonates and I think it's interesting and the description true of isolated parenting and it could be cptsd. I have cptsd from childhood abuse and i have also parented 2 children solo following dv and Ltb. That said I have been in therapy for years about my time solo parenting under 5s alone and mainly to do with the vast amount of discriminatory comment I received as a single mother; how poor I was and the terror of not having enough food or petrol being a daily reality; the lack of support i got from my own birth family re traumatising me; stalking and harassment thru courts and contact with exh. The sheer exhaustion and desperation was mixed in with that but not what haunts me as trauma while the other things I've put do. The DC are now tweens and life is immeasuably better.

You are right on the money with this. I feel so seen. At the time I didn't know my son was autistic, so the toddler years with his sister 16 months younger were particularly brutal. I also at times wish I could go back and redo time. We can't. We just have to do better going forwards, carve out little moments every day/week to be kind to ourselves, and give ourselves some grace.

This is fascinating! I totally agree! And then when we struggle we have the problem orientated within us (pnd) rather than recognition of the problem being within the system (societal expectations on mother as self sacrificing, lack of community, the odds between the mother role and career roles we are suppose to hold, lack of meaningful support allowing space to meet our own needs). I'm not saying pnd isn't a thing but this post resonates for me completely. I am not broken I am just doing a very hard thing in a way I was never built to do it.

Thank you OP and sympathies- this rings so many bells. I hope reflecting now helps with future teenage years, too!

I recognize what you are saying too @peachpearandpink .

My first is 3.5y now and he was an incredibly difficult baby. Terrible sleep until we night weaned at 20 months, colicky (I remember desperate midnight drives after hours of non-stop screaming), incredibly clingy to me for over 2 years (would not be put down as a baby and then could not be in a different room from me without tears and screaming, zero independent play), overtired and screamy from about 4 pm.

Looking back, it was horrendous and I genuinely don't know how I didn't go absolutely stark raving mad, rather than just shouting too much a few times.

My DD is now 4mo and so far it has been a totally different experience. She wakes a few times a night, is a bit clingy to me in the evening, and has had some reflux issues but it is like night and day. I can put her down on a playmat or in her bouncer and she happily chills with a toy or plays with her hands for more than 10 minutes. Like, is this the normal experience and I've been playing on hard mode for the past 3 years??

Your experience with your first sounds a lot like mine (but with added Lockdown to make things worse) and the sheer fucking relentlessness of long term sleep deprivation and a baby/toddler who just needs you 24/7 is like nothing else.

And I think that even when that phase passes and your child starts to get "easier", you carry the legacy of that time with you - like PTSD or just learned experience. So when your child starts crying or doesn't play nicely or whatever, your experience (from the hours of colic crying and sleep deprivation) is that this is overwhelming and a really hard problem. And your body is straight to fight/flight mode, sometimes even when it is just a simple tantrum or an awkward playdate experience.

Mine are in their twenties now and I still feel guilt for too much shouting. I had four under seven, had to go back to work, on night shifts when they were a few months old and looking back I don't know how I did it or , even managed to function like that for so many years. I wish I could turn the clock back and do things differently. Looking back I was depressed and exhausted so I have to be kind to myself. On a positive note my kids have all grown up into gentle , well rounded, decent humans. Only one ( dd) mentions what she sees as poor parenting from time to time and that is usually aimed at dh not doing emotional support very well and mentioned in a jokey way ! We get some things wrong and lots right but don't always credit ourselves as we should. I would not be too hard on yourself.

You did the best job that you could do with the resources you had available to you at the time. No-one can do better than that.

You can't judge your previous actions and capabilities from the position you are in today. Everything seems easy when you're not exhausted, overestimated and overwhelmed.

But you were exhausted, you did the best you could. It's literally impossible to do better than that.

I had a light bulb moment with the breastfeeding issue when I looked at a classroom full of 10 year olds and thought- there's absolutely no way to tell which ones were breastfed and which bottle. And by that age there are so many bigger factors on how well those children were overall.

Do you find that the perspective makes you feel any better?

I had a second child, from my very first midwife appointment i said I wasn't even going to attempt breastfeeding. I'm sure everyone thought I was crazy, but I knew what was right for my baby was having a mother who was sane.

I'm so glad I made that decision to take care of myself.

You can repair some of this. Do "special time" STRICTLY ring fence time with him even 30 min after week. No ones allowed to interrupt. No screens. 1-1 play time.

No checking washing machine etc.

I would say congratulate yourself on having the second. I am a huge pessimist and a very critical thinker - being totally honest with you, based on what you’ve written and how hard the first sounded, you were incredibly brave to have a second! so kudos for that.

I have not managed this myself 😂
I also found breastfeeding hell and it still taunts me today even thought it was years ago. I don’t think I’ll ever get over the feeling of absolute failure there tbh. I literally cannot discuss it irl and it’s the main reason I won’t have a second baby. my other main reason is because I don’t have the family support I think is actually quite necessary to stay sane!!!

Try the compassion based therapy. That's exactly what it's all about.

How we speak to ourselves rather than how we would care for a friend or our children.

The way you speak to yourself in your own head really matters. If you'd never be that cruel to someone else, there's something wrong.

I don't think its that unusual. I had 3 under 5 with two who didn't sleep well and one who was a very early riser.

I cried a lot. I was so tired all the time and stressed.

It’s so stressful being in survival mode constantly

I find it so interesting how differently we treat ourselves to how we treat each other. Reading this thread with someone saying they felt like they caused their child’s neurodivergence made me instantly think ‘that’s ridiculous, of course they didnt’. And yet, here I am thinking exactly the same about myself. What if their delays are all my fault? What if they were raised by someone else, would they still have the same delays? And yet when I have these thoughts about myself I can’t think ‘that’s ridiculous, of course I didn’t’, the way I genuinely believe for others.

Also the fact that you (me too) replay the messy parts of our parenting and spend the time when they are finally down googling it or asking on a forum I (think?) shows that we care enough to maybe be good (ish) mums? That's what I am telling myself (while i eat cold toast with one hand because someone is teething)

My PND PTSD took the form of flashbacks to the awful attempted instrumental delivery (then emcs) and crippling screams I managed to stifle somehow. I saw a clip of Claire Danes scream in a similar way to how I felt on an programme/movie called Flieshmann is in Trouble. I've never seen the full thing (no time!), but the sob-scream of a broken woman really reasonated with me.

And yes large chunks of the years when I had a baby and a toddler, I don't really remember. Some of it is vague, some of it is blank, some of it is blissful snuggles, and a lot of it was expressing milk while crying into bottles as I screwed the storage lids on. I googled "are tears in breast milk safe for baby". No one prepares mums for how tough it can get.

Well done for writing it down and putting it out there.

There's so much guilt and shame on this thread. It's really heartbreaking.

I find it helps to imagine how you'd talk to your children if they had a moment where they'd lost their temper when they were overwhelmed. You're a person too, and we all get overwhelmed.

I'd really recommend looking up something called Compassion Based Therapy. You don't need to do actual therapy sessions - you can just read the information, it's very practical.

It's aimed at addressing feelings of guilt and shame.

Here's a brief summary:

Core Principles

• Self-Criticism & Shame:
• Acknowledges that many people are harsh on themselves, often due to evolutionary wiring that prioritizes threat detection, leading to cycles of shame and low self-worth.
• Three Emotion Systems: Focuses on understanding the interplay between the Threat System (alertness to danger), the Drive System (motivation/achievement), and the Soothing System (calmness, contentment, care).
• Developing Compassion: Teaches skills to activate the soothing system and cultivate compassion for oneself and others, rather than relying solely on the threat system.

It's really very good at re-framing thoughts into a more positive and helpful way. You don't want to keep carrying around these negative feelings - it's self-reinforcing of a negative narrative you're giving yourself.

To err is human, to forgive divine. You just need to forgive yourself, I bet your children already did a long time ago. There's nothing to be gained from reliving your worst moments and telling yourself how awful you were. You'd never talk that way to your children, so don't talk that way to yourself.

You're not awful, you're just a person who was overwhelmed. It happens to us all.

I can totally relate. I was angry and anxious with my two and I feel the same shame you have described.

many years later, looking back I can see that I was in the fog of some sort of post natal depression.

i fantasise about going back and having one day with my babies so I can snuggle them and say I’m sorry.

It sounds OP like you might have had undiagnosed PND with your first birth, which - because it wasn’t addressed back then, lingered on with anxiety, low mood and anger. In any case you’ve done your best and sounds like you’ve done a great job despite being very critical of yourself. Xx

I have the same gap. Sometimes I feel like my head is going to explode. On my better days I can be patient, say the right things, do the right things; avoid conflict, get them to do stuff my making up games. On my mediocre days I can ignore the noise and not lose my rag. On my worst days I am grumpy, short and I shout at them. I know it’s not great and I’m trying to do better, I also feel like it’s getting easier but my god… the noise… 😱

Try not to beat yourself up OP. None of us is perfect x

I haven't rtft yet but I did read your op. I hear you, you sound lovely, I could have written what you wrote...you have always been that mummy, all along I promise! Your kids know it too. PND-PTSD is so under diagnosed. We have this major surgery, are given a brand new baby (in a global pandemic) and then left to it. Bonkers.

I'll read more of the thread (have just done bedtimes x 2 and I'm knackered) but please know you are not alone. Xo

Thank you for this thread. I have two children aged 1 and 3, both with severe delays and I hate who I am now. I try to find ways of hiding from them, it’s terrible but I can’t cope with it. I’ve snapped so many times when I never ever have before in my life. In fact, before children I never got angry about anything at all. I know I’ll look back and wish that I tried harder but I really can’t. I don’t think I’ll remember how hard it is. I think I’ll block it out. The tiredness, the guilt, the pressure, the decisions, it’s all far far too much.

Parenting is so much harder than I ever expected, I just don’t think people talk about how tough the early years usually are, or they forget!
I am a pretty relaxed person, don’t like confrontation, not one for arguing or shouting.
However with my children, I do lose my cool, I do get annoyed and I do shout sometimes! I just get tired of the bickering, the noise, the stress, the mental load and the guilt for wanting my own time and space, it’s hard.
But I’m doing my best, my children know they are so loved and we often have wonderful times together. I love them more than anything but they can just drive me crazy! Maybe that’s just part of parenting?! Most of us are just trying to do our best!

Solidarity OP. I really appreciate this thread as I thought I was the only one who had felt like this and also love all the supportive replies 💓

This!