To wonder why having young children turned me into someone I don’t recognise?

Theres a good instagram account "biglittlefeelings" run by 2 mums of toddlers who are very real about it not all being ok/perfect parenting. They cover topics like this a lot. My children are similar ages to yours, and I have learned to apologise to my them for getting snappy when overwhelmed. Neither are "easy" and the first few years were frankly hell. I've hidden social media friends who have picture perfect families and post constantly, as the comparison got to me. I keep telling myself that I am lucky they are healthy and have great personalities, but yes, it is bloody hard.

You are so normal.
I had 2 under 2. had to express and syringe milk into both for weeks. No-one slept until the youngest was 6 and a half. It was musical beds and floors every night as no-one would sleep in their own bed or cot. The youngest would only sleep lying across me. Videos of the early years look idyllic, but felt like hell at the time. I felt like death for 6 years (doctors said it was just me being tired until one finally did a test and discovered I had haemophilus influenza). I was constantly exhausted and had no help. It made me feel angry and bad-tempered a lot and I was so disappointed to find that I was not the lovely mother I wanted to be. THIS TOO PASSES. You are doing great.
Mine are 14 and 16 now. Life has returned to normal. I love them to pieces and everything is good.
HANG ON IN THERE.

Oh, please, please forgive yourself OP. You are speaking for so many mums who went through what you’ve experienced & thought, the same as you:
“If only had done it better, it wouldn’t be like this”.

You did enough. You were OK. You were enough. It was OK.
Tho’, in theory, we’d all like to be perfect, in retrospect we have to be a bit forgiving of ourselves. 💕💕💕

Oh op!!! I feel like I wasted the first year of my babies life because I was frustrated! My husband’s worked away so I was with her on my own. She was cared for and feed etc but I wasn’t happy doing it! It was a chore. I love her she is my oxygen but those early days were tough and I think it was because I didn’t lower my expectations! I can’t go back in time but now I know that that time is gone, I am determined to not lose another year because of the unreasonable expectations I had of her and myself. She is a nightmare at nappy changes… 30 mins to get a nappy on never mind the accidents! Now I just wait until she comes to me and clean up the mess. I don’t even feel upset/angry. I just look at her enjoying running naked and laughing and tell myself nothing else is more important than this minute she is happy! Don’t be hard on yourseif…

I understand this ..you must forgive yourself parenting is really hard and nobody is perfect.
You may of been depressed low mood you would of been tired.
Running a house and all tjat comes with this many people don't admit to this so stop giving yourself a hard time .
There are many years ahead were you can be the calm loving understanding parent now you feel things have eased a little ..x

I agree with lots of this. Slightly concerned how many of them (excluding sleep) overlap with my teaching career as well, it's a wonderful I haven't had a breakdown.

Reading this with interest and solidarity. My little girl is 2 yrs 3 months and it is HARD. Bedtime is slowly getting longer and longer, with her refusing to stay in bed. This morning she woke at 4am singing. I am constantly worried about her getting ill (ex-NICU baby) and jump every time I get a text from the childminder. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells sometimes. She can be so unpredictable and goes from 0-100 on the tantrum scale in seconds.

We had a couple of weeks of good sleep and I started to think, maybe this is it, maybe I can get some of myself back. I booked a hair appointment, I bought myself some new clothes. Now I feel defeated again. The constant illness which then spreads through the house! I don't know how or why anyone would want to do this more than once.

I knew it would be hard, I knew my life would change, but MY GOD I didn't fully appreciate it. On the other hand, the good times are so good. Having my daughter has given me so much, she is kind and sweet and funny (when she wants to be!) She is learning so much every day and I am so proud of her. I'm just exhausted. I do get breaks, and my husband is fantastic, but the breaks are never enough.

Then the guilt comes. I should be doing this and that, I should want to spend more time with her, I should want more children... I'm getting counselling and I'm on anti depressants and anti anxiety medication so I'm doing all the right things. I still find myself crying several times a week. I feel so judged by everyone, and constantly like I'm not doing enough.

Toddler years are tough - the best of times and the worst of times. I often felt like I was just worn ragged, trying to get through the day at times. Other times were great .

Agree NCT class didn't help. One who I knew the best was a 'Perfect mummy' type - in hindsight not the best friend to have..

Can you do stuff 1 to 1 with your son now - to build more of a bond ? Eg swimming, teaching bike riding,

Your DCs are still so small - 5 and 2.5 - they're unlikely to remember very much (if anything) that's happened in their lives so far. You sound like a caring, thoughtful mother, so focus on the future and try to build into your routine things that you know work well for you. You've already said it's better when you have one-to-one time with your DS and a PP suggested "love-bombing" (which worked brilliantly for mine.)

Please don't beat yourself up about the past. Most people find the baby/toddler stage incredibly hard and I'm sure every mother would be able to point at something they wish they'd done differently.

My DCs are grown-up and we're extremely close. Recently I talked to DS about an incident that happened when he was 7, so old enough to remember.

A horrific, appalling, potentially life-changing experience that I was sure he'd been traumatised by. Nope, he had no memory of it at all! Not even when I talked through the details with him - a complete blank.

I’m sorry if this sounds like wankery OP: imagine meeting that you on the street today. You wouldn’t think that she was a bad mother, or that she was letting her kids down. You’d remember that early motherhood is bastarding hard work, that she had a traumatic birth and was still in shock from it plus the 24/7 responsibility of a newborn, that she was feeling her way and doing her best, and that it was genuinely good enough - because it was. You did your best. Think back on that person with kindness and compassion.

I have twins and genuinely my abiding memory of their first two years is putting the song “Surface Pressure” from Encanto on repeat. Because that’s how I felt.

Mine are 5.5 and about to turn 3, and it was the same for me. I stayed at home, read, played blocks, fed them good food, walks, park trips, breastfed, co-slept. I enjoyed parts but I was also angry, frustrated and overstimulated a lot. I wish I had been calmer, got on with things, "enjoyed" it more. But I'm sure it was all linked to sleep for me. My second was a terrible sleeper and I did not realise how much I changed and how much lack of sleep and broken sleep affected my mental health (having never in my life had sleep issues). I really really struggled with sleep and nights, and as I was breastfeeding, I wouldn't let my husband help, I didn't see the point as both boys just usually wanted me.

The last few months, my second has finally been sleeping through (regularly since Christmas), goes to bed with dad, I've stopped breastfeeding too, and I feel my old self coming back... I'm laughing more, joking more, getting angry less.
It's just getting so much easier, (though my eldest was always very chilled, it's my mad second wildling who tests me more 😆) our flights over Christmas were easy, and I'm actually looking forward to this year. We're going to take the boys hiking and spend more time outdoors which is just so much easier without nappies and buggies and naps. I think I just prefer being a mum of children, and not babies and toddlers...

Thank you so much for this thread, it really validates the feelings I've been going through currently. I'm sorry you've felt them but im glad its getting easier for you.

My 2 boys are 4 and 20 months and my youngest is epileptic. Im just hoping it will get easier soon. Some days I do my breathing and keep calm but other days i just lose my rag all the time and I feel so guilty once theyre in bed. I feel like im damaging them somehow, even though im just trying my best. They're fed, warm, go to nursery 3 days a week, spend days with their grandparents, go to soft play, zoos, splash pads and the beach but i justfeel like its never good enough :(

I agree on full time work. I was doing a professional qualification and they wouldn't let me reduce my hours. Going back full time (DH dropped to 4 days) and having to settle my extremely clingy DS in nursery was the absolute worst. He screamed every day at drop off for an entire year. Wanted to breastfeed all night because he missed me.

I was exhausted and resentful of DS for not being able to cope with nursery. A d totally overwhelmed with needing to work full time in a demanding job while utterly exhausted.

It sounds like you totally lost your identity.
Go back to work! Bit late now but that would have been a game changer.

Like @Penelope23145 mine are now grown and fledged with their own lives. And we are crazily close as a family.

But I feel terrible about some of the times when they were young, when I spent a lot of time sad/angry and I'm afraid drinking quite heavily because I hated it. It does feel like PTSD. When I see mums now with prams I feel slightly sick and so sorry for them.

Yes I wish I could go back now and do it all better. But it worked out okay. And honestly I think they've forgotten most of what happened when they were young anyway!

What I found made a difference was really "love bombing" my children when I was most frustrated with them. So just giving them my undivided attention for 5-15 minutes, and telling them how great they were, playing with them, talking and listening properly. It really helped take the heat out.

You will get through this, I promise. X

💐

Tbh I think any mother who had a baby or a preschooler during Covid should get a national medal.

Maybe you can put your dd in nursery for some time during school holidays and have that day with your ds.

Believe me, they know how much you love and care for them. I remember that pain and guilt and worry, it seems to go with the territory, but there you are with a thriving growing child. It cost you but you did it and you’re still doing it.

I could have written this post. I had 20 months between DDs, worked full time, with a husband that worked permanent nights and I was completely exhausted all the time and was so so so angry.

I was totally unprepared for how much my life changed by have children and looking back was clearly depressed. DD1 was such a challenge, was finally diagnosed with ASD at 12. Her behaviour was so challenging, she couldn’t play with other children, always ended up in a fight but was clearly very bright, but just a difficult child who was struggling to fit into the norms at nursery and at school (because she couldn’t) and there was so little support for her and me as she wasn’t disruptive in class, had no learning difficulties but was very very difficult at home.

I was not the parent I wish I could have been, but I did my best and I’ve mostly forgiven myself for being impatient and not the lovely mum who enjoyed baby groups and baking and colouring etc. Now my lovely girls are teens we have a really nice relationship and it all feels a long time ago, I am better with teens than toddlers and I do my best to be a good mum. We have great fun going out together to all sorts of events and activities and I make sure that they know I am there for them.

Hindsight is 20/20 OP and I promise you, you are doing your best and your best is more than good enough.

Reading your post I think it makes complete sense that you struggled. A difficult birth with the challenges of COVID and lack of support - unbelievably hard 😞 I'm not surprised it has taken you years to recover

First of all, this thread reminds me of the good old days of mumsnet when people were supportive and there was less trolling/ragebait. It's so refreshing to see all these lovely replies.

OP, you are not alone. My older two are 15 and 12 now. When they were those ages, I think I had some kind of undiagnosed PND and I have blocked a lot of that time from my memory. We also sadly lost their dad to a serious illness and I am genuinely unsure how I got through all that. And I feel so, so guilty, over something I could not help.

I try to be kind to myself. You must try to be kind to yourself too, as you're doing the best you can with what you have. Children don't need perfect parents, they need 'good enough' parents, and from your posts I can tell how much you care about them.

I now have a toddler again and it's definitely a stressful time, even though she's lovely.

Also agree that special time is so helpful if you are looking to work on your relationship with your eldest. 15 mins of child led play just narrating what they are doing and observing then without distractions if possible can do a world of good