Getting married and not telling anyone?

Or elope and don't tell people you eloped. Or tell them several years later so they can't get too excited about not having had the chance to get their wedding gear and fascinator out five years earlier.

If I was your child, irrespective of age, I would be upset

I really can't see the problem.
You don't owe anyone a day out.
Do it for financial security and make it clear you were advised to do it asap so as to avoid any complications for each other should anything happen.
The end.
Some people think everything is about them.
It really isn't.

My Mom did. With her partner 30+ years, one joint child. It literally came out the night he died but we all understood. Like yo they just wanted legal protection, next of kin etc. They had two close friends as witnessed and lunch out with them after. That was it
Even my sister, their joint child, didn't know.

Do it. It's your life, your rules.

My mum got married while on a little staycation so it was very small (just with witnesses) but it was special without spending a fortune. She told the family she didn't expect us to come as she would be having a party to celebrate when the whole family could be together. That could be an option, or just telling the family you are doing it for legal reasons and don't want any fuss at all beyond a card in the post or whatever. It would be weird for them to be more bothered about your own wedding than you are. But I do think you should tell them as it may cause hurt down the line if they come across the wedding certificate, or confusion if they need to fill in forms and things when you're elderly

Just elope and then tell people you eloped

A friend of mine got married in Vegas and there was live streaming. She got married late morning on a Friday which was about 8pm Friday night for us. We all sat at home on our own comfy sofas messaging each other, drinking fizz and watching it on the telly. Best wedding ever!

It seems you can live stream weddings so could you do that! Then everyone can be involved without it becoming a logistical nightmare.

We did. We just eloped and told everyone afterwards.

This.

We married secretly almost 10 years ago and it's now slightly awkward when we are asked directly if we will get married as we are lying to people's faces.

Plus we've come to realise that if either of us die, it will be the other one left to tell families that actually we don't need anything from them legally to sort the estate as we got married to sort it and deliberately didn't tell them.

Sounds a great idea, either simply in your local registry office or elsewhere where it’s simple, I quite fancied Gretna Green as it’s so kitch and they are set up for eloping providing witnesses

We had a civil partnership, aged in our 50s/60s. Just the two of us plus witnesses, a couple of friends then out for a meal. We told people a month beforehand, saying it had all been arranged. It was great and the right thing to do for us.
I didn't want to tell my family well in advance for several reasons. If there was any ill feeling, I didn't find out about it.
It's your day so arrange according to your wishes.

We did this just for financial side, also because we are a same sex couple to be each other's next of kin incase anything happened. Was never so glad when my DW had an accident abroad and as l was the wife they let me make decisions about her care. Just do and have a party later.

I think the problems only start when close family members have hurt feelings over it .

of course it’s your day to have as you wish , but it’s also perfectly understandable for people to be upset that you didn’t get invited to mums/ close family’s wedding.

I think the only way to do this is to truly tell no one - so no one feels like they have been missed out / not important. If truly no one comes , then others won’t be hurt they have been left out hopefully.

I hope I’m making sense!

about ten years ago my friend was telling me that she was really stressed, she had so much to do one weekend and she looked really panicked, so I offered to take her two children for the day . We had a nice time they played well with mine and she text and was really grateful, but had sent hubby to pick up.
Two days later a load of pictures came over facebook, and she had got married the next day, and had a small secret wedding with her family and about 20 friends. The day I had her boys she was at a spa with her friends and mum getting glammed up!
I remember feeling very hurt , like I was fine for free childcare but not worth inviting for the celebrations.
of course it was up to her who she invited, but our friendship was never the same after that.
I think if she had truly just been her and hubby, it wouldn’t have been an issue, but because a few chosen ones made the cut , it felt awful!

the other anecdote I have is from my bil, who decided to get married in secret and not invite anyone. Again all fine , but the night before the bride changed her mind and wanted her mum there (who also brought dad and her brother) when his mum found out, she was devastated, not only to miss her child’s wedding, but that the other mum had been there and she wasn’t wanted 😬 again if they had just been those two, and no one else, I think it would have been easier for mum to accept, rather than feeling like the unwanted party.

I hope you find something that suits you best!

I’d go civil partnership. Achieves the objective without any of the emotional baggage of a marriage

Do it. 👍

When my neighbours got married and I was their witness, they didn't tell anyone because one relatively local sis would have turned up 'as a lovely surprise' (it wouldn't have been) with her dgd in tow dressed as look-alike bridesmaids. Other family were a complicated mix of estranged and living abroad.

Also don’t make their logistics your problem. They might be willing to climb mountains to get to you or come without partners/ children just so they can be there.

You can have a small wedding without the family but why not share the news up front? There’s no need for the shock factor of telling everyone afterwards. They will want to wish you well surely?

Get a licence and get wed. If you like the idea of a big party, start planning it but don't delay the wedding for years. Your big celebration can include a blessing/renewal of vows/handfasting/whatever you fancy and be conducted by a religious representative/humanist celebrant/family member or friend.

I was a witness at a wedding like this. Just the couple and witnesses at the town hall, then we all went for lunch nearby. The couple did eventually tell their families.

For them, they wanted to be married to each other, but didn't want to 'have a wedding' with all the fuss and expectations that go along with it.

I think it's an excellent idea if it's what you both want. There is no reason you need to tell anyone if you don't want to but the financial protections make sense.

Well, you need two witnesses. You said you don't have kids together, but do you separately? At least two of them? Who are adults? Maybe just ask them? Not their partners etc, just them, and then get lunch or something.

Wonderful idea! We did the same