To ask my partner to give up golf while he’s training for the marathon?

It absolutely is NOT a petty annoyance that one spouse unilaterally decides that he/she will be absenting themselves from all joint responsibilities for any period of time at any time of their choosing. That’s not how a respectful relationships works, marriage or other.

I don’t have an opinion on the actual activities themselves, perhaps your DH does way more for the family and home than you do during the week and everything you don’t do in the hours he’s gone at the weekends. But not discussing and coming to a joint decision isn’t acceptable.

Ask him how he is going to juggle everything over the weekends, including you getting some time to do something for you. Prioritisation is required when you have kids, and something has to give.

7.5 hrs each out of a weekend still leaves plenty of time for family time!

I'd probably be pretty blunt and just say "Hey, when you start upping the runs I presume golf will take a backseat a little so we can all still have family time and get all the housework etc done." If he says no, or he hasn't thought about it then that's when yiu tell him "well I need time to decompress myself and we need to get normal family and house things done so I'm not sure how you'd think you could have fitted it all in".

I don't know if you have hobbies or not. I don't but my husband is gone 2-3 nights a week and one weekend day until approx 1 or 2pm sporting so I specifically remind him every week that he needs to takeover when he's back so I can get some time alone. I don't have hobbies per se but I do prefer getting jobs done with a toddler hanging off me. Sometimes I'll get a beauty treatment or hair done, sometimes I'll do a grocery shop and grab a coffee. But every week he knows that he is on duty pretty soon after he returns home (he has a shower, has something to eat and then I'm gone).

My hobby takes up over 12 hours of time at the weekend and my husband still has time to do his hobby as well. We also have 3 children that do 3 different sports at the weekend that we get them too. So I really don't think 7.5 hours is much time at all especially with only 1 child at home!

I also think he should have talked it through with you beforehand. But agree with a PP that he could be doing the runs at times that impact less on the family. For example, even if he's not doing his long runs at 5:30 he could be starting them well before you and DC get up, so he doesn't get home too late. And the recovery run could very easily be done first thing, or in the evening after DC goes to bed, or even replaced with a walk that DC could come on. Or just treat walking around the golf course as active recovery, if he doesn't end up giving that up temporarily.

I see what you mean but I wouldn’t want that for myself. I didn’t have children so I could essentially look after them by myself for much of the weekend and then my DH could look after them by himself for an equal amount of time. I wanted to go out as a family and do things together with the kids. The idea that you just spend hours and hours each week doing solo leisure activities while having young children is not the lifestyle I’d want.

Far too many women on MN squeeze their free time and hobbies around family responsibilities, yet are married to men who squeeze their family responsibilities around their free time and hobbies.

These men. 🙄

I agree with posters who say it's the assmption that is so annoying. And of course, the run is more than just the run - it's the getting ready, the post-run shower and recovery etc etc so it's NOT 2 hours. It's at least 3, maybe more. And, in my DH's case many years ago - the faffing around on either SIDE combined with an irritating belief that he had to have a really good night's sleep so also couldn't do the night wakings.... (we had a bit "talk" row and he did realise he was being a dick).

I think this is definitely conversation time, "Look, I want to support your objectives here, but you're out of the house a lot and I land up being the default parent and it's exhausting". Then think about where your issues are? Mine were that I would land up doing the early waking with DS and then I was STILL with DS, alone, all morning. If he got up early and then went for a run later, so I could still have my lie in, fine. or if he went for a run early and then came back and gave me a break, fine. But it was neither.

In all family relationships, most weekends should include his time, your time and time with the kids as a family. I am quite astonished by the people who seem to think that husbands are due more than their fair share.
OP, a discussion needs to be had as to how your husband is going to fit in your time and family time.
I have seen marriages with unfair time allocation and most of them don’t last.

And actual family time?

So between that and golf that would be a solid 7.5 hrs of daylight time on weekends for his hobbies between now and April.

surely that's leaving you more than enough time to do your own hobbies

Even if you see a relationship like a business arrangements and you make sure every minute of child-free time must be absolutely equal for both party instead of supporting each other, what's the problem?

He has ONE hobby (golf) - that's not much, most people have more than that, and is training for 3 months. Of course YABU

AS LONG AS he's not planning his runs at times where you are already booked for your own hobby and child-free time, and you are not expected to give up your own activities, why wouldn't you support him?

The whole point of not being a single parent is that you share child-care and you can still have a bit of breathing time and a chance to do your hobbies/ sport/ studies/ socialising whatever you are wanting to do.

I think I'd just start a conversation about it... "I'm struggling a bit with how we will fit in time off parenting for you and time off parenting for me AND family time at weekends with your additional training commitments in the marathon run up. How do you think we can make enough time for us BOTH to get a break, get home jobs done (meals, housework etc) AND DC to get family time with all of us?". Put the issue plainly and then see what his reaction is. The obvious answer is give up golf (temporarily) but I'd want him to see that. If he can find another solution then that's up to him.

I think it'd be fair at weekends to get (not set in stone but approximately or the equivalent of) 1/2 a day each "off" to do whatever you want, then 1 full day family time. Or 4 hours each individual or non-parenting time and the rest joint parenting ie housework, home jobs or family time.

Can he get up early and do his marathon training? I do my long runs between 5:30 and 8:30 on a weekend morning so I’m back and it doesn’t impact on family time. I’m tired but have to suck it up and get on with the rest of the day. I also make sure my husband gets a similar chunk of time for his support and hobby.

Only until April I would suck it up if good in other areas.

Well, he absolutely shouldn't be unilaterally deciding that you will be default child care for all that time. So I would absolutely be wanting a conversation about it.

I would let him come up with solutions and comprises though. I would set out why it's a problem for you then ask for suggestions on how to resolve.

I would sit him down and say frankly I’m getting quite stressed out and resentful here. This family are significantly prioritising you right now and I really expected you to acknowledge that by now and explain how you’re going to make it up to me. I’m tired and worn out and if you aren’t ready to commit to spending a couple of months post marathon with limited golf and limited outings to keep up with parenting and the house while prioritising 7-10 hours a weekend plus lots if midweek leisure time for me, then I’m pretty unhappy.

and if the response isn’t receptive I’d say fine, since we please ourselves now I’ll be away on my own this weekend and you can work out juggling the family and your training without muggins here picking up all the load. I won’t be doing any catch up cleaning when I get back either. Someone in this marriage needs to care about me, and looks like it has to be me.

Yeah I think the assumption is actually more of an issue than the practical impact for a finite timescale. If he’s otherwise an equal parent and “house-runner” hopefully he will see that making that assumption is a bit too close for comfort to “I babysit my kids”.

It's definitely worth a conversation OP. I wouldn't necessarily phrase it as "you have to give up golf", but I would point out that this extra commitment means that you are doing more solo parenting, and if you get extra "me time" to make up for that, then family time is squeezed. See if he has any solutions. The important thing is that he recognises the issue and doesn't just expect you to pick up the slack by default.

I wouldn't suck it up no. It's taking over everyone's lives too much and you are being default parent a lot. Out of curiosity do you commit yourself to time consuming things and assume your husband will just pick up the slack?

I don't think the fact that he assumed he could have this time to himself is a petty annoyance - I think that's the entire problem. Doing things isn't an issue, the issue is assuming that your partner will just pick up the slack is very rude - he's treating you like staff. You might well be happy for him to golf and do a marathon but basic courtesy states that you discuss it first!!

My kids are 13 and 15 now and need no looking after and my DH and I still run things by each other, just in case something else is happening or we're inconveniencing each other in some way. That's how a partnership works.

You can change your vote.

Accidentally clicked on vote and can't change it sorry!!

With anything like this I would say any adult can do whatever they like with their free time, however it has to be equal if there are children to look after. So it's fine for him to spend 10 hours of his free time training/golf as long as you get 10 hours off too (at convenient hours). If not, and he's expecting you to do all childcare while he trains then of course that's not OK, except maybe as a one-off.