To ask my partner to give up golf while he’s training for the marathon?

Yes my friend who is a very good runner does all hers at 5am (rather her than me !) But this means she's back after a 10 /15 mile run and can then get on with the day.
As a PP said, it's perfectly possible for him to fit all this exercise in. The point is you sit down as a family and work it out. What's important to your family and what can be accommodated

lol. No, @jamandcustard, no, it’s not controlling to expect an equal parent to be an, equal, parent. If one parent gets 7 hours me time a week, then so does the other. If there’s not 14 hours available then they both compromise.

Has he even considered taking the four year out out on any of his runs in a sports stroller.

For years, DSS did Parkrun with the twins in a double stroller, and recovered back to better with the stroller his pre twins PB. Lateral thinking at its best.

Hi OP. My husband plays football 2 x per week. Last year he was doing a charity cycle abroad which meant he had to cycle 4/5 hours twice per week (mostly weekends )and short recovery cycles in between. He stopped the football for that 6 months as it was just too much. He wasn't happy to give it up- but he did! 4 children. Both work. I do think a break from golf would make life a bit easier. It's only short term 😃

Good luck 🍀

I meant with each other...

Runner here.... I recently switched my long run from weekends to a a weekday evening after work and bath & bed so as to minimise the impact on family time. Yes on those evenings I have a long day... but it doesn't disrupt anyone else;s plans

I post this a lot on here - apologies for that but it was such a revelation to me when someone explained it to me in MN years ago! - but to me the core issue as in other posts up thread is the default parent thing, and default without discussion.

It’s not that he has decided to play golf for 3 hours on Sunday that is actually the central issue, it is that by making that decision, he has unilaterally decided what you are going to do for those 3 hours - you are going to look after your 4 year old. Again. Because somebody has to. Now, you could do all sorts of things about that, involve other people, take time out yourself another time etc, but it doesn’t change the moment that he decided that for him, during any given part of the week, parenting was optional, because you are the default.

Thats the key, to me. And nothing has to look different at the end of a discussion, in fact; you might decide that him continuing with his golf is a collective family goal that for some unknown reason is worth your time. As long as it is clear how the decisions should be made.

I dont buy the ‘you get 10 hours solo time so I do too’ argument. Most parents of 4 year olds don’t think their child’s week should look like that. This is about mindset, and him properly understanding what being part of a family actually means - not just a rugged individualist any more. There are lots of things that could look like. Classically, if he wants to be out and about outdoors, he could - crazy idea! do something his child can do too. He might explain to you that it’s actually very hard to get much meaningful exercise with a 4 year old along. Yes, you might say. I know that.

Agree with this. It's not petty to be annoyed that your partner has effectively written himself out of parenting/family life for the next 4 months without a conversation.

This is all relevant for older children, but not for a four year old. Four year olds tend not to do a lot of weekend clubs - generally, they are looked after and taken places by a parent. Being with a four year old can be very intense - they need quite a lot of interaction and generally aren't very trustworthy on their own. They can't go to public toilets on their own, they tend to leap about in shops, that sort of thing. Plus doing things with them isn't always riveting for an adult. It's far easier to have another adult there, to chat to and to share the load.

My children are teens now and DH and I largely do our own thing at the weekend, in between inevitable food-serving and driving places. There would be no issue with one of us leaving for more than 7 hours. But when the kids were little? That would require a lot more negotiation.

I would support my partner doing that, as long as he would also support me in any of my goals, and we got some family time too. I do feel sorry for families where one partner works away and never sees them (yes, I know it can be necessary for all kinds of reasons).
I would prefer he was doing something to keep him healthy than out drinking all the time.

I don’t think that unilaterally deciding anything that impacts someone else is petty. It’s pretty expletive deleted not acceptable.

why would you do to to someone unless you genuinely think that they are not an equal partner, just that it’s their job to pick up any slack.

Given the age of your child, I think it's reasonable to have a conversation about how you both meet your needs over the next few months. I wouldn't frame it as, giving up golf. I would frame it as, I am so proud of you and I really want to support you with your marathon training, so can we come up with a plan for the next few months that means you get to focus properly on that and I can carve some time for myself at the weekends, too?

How does the additional running affect you and DC? Is it stopping you from doing something because you no longer have childcare or did you do something all together before and now it’s just going to be you and your child?

If it was my DP I wouldn’t care, DC and I would do our own thing and have a nice time regardless but if it changes the whole dynamic of your weekend and stops you doing something you would normally do then it’s not unreasonable to ask your DP how he plans to fix that.

I am sure a grown-up is perfectly able to spend time with their children without a handhold from the other adult. There are enough evenings, holidays and time to spend all together to allow a few weekend without giving up on a couple of months training.

Kids are so busy nowadays anyway, it doesn't take 2 parents to manage their social life, clubs, parties, playdates 😂

Sadly when a mum decides to spend all her weekends studying to get a degree instead of doing "family time" watching tv for most people she's shamed just the same.

Kids do not need 2 parents at all time when there's a perfectly valid reason for the other parent to do something else. On the contrary, it's a great example that mum or dad are busy doing xyz/

I think the concept (very broadly, there will be outliers on both sides) of 'family time' is very much a mum thing. I'm one of 3 kids and we very rarely did things 'as a family' that lasted all day on a weekend from an age that I can remember - hence it not being about the kids. We all had different sports and hobbies, as did my parents (both of them, not just my dad, he did more than his fair share of playing taxi). We would usually do things like a Sunday Dinner or go and see grandparents for a few hours. I think I had a very enriching childhood with hobbies and clubs, and friends. My dad played cricket, which lasts even longer than golf. We either used to go and watch if the weather was nice, and kick a ball around, or mum would take us to our own clubs, then my mum was in various church-based groups which took up a fair whack of Sunday mornings, when I played football and my brother did martial arts, so dad drove around the town, or we got lift-shares with neighbours/friends. I would say I had a pretty good childhood and I don't think I missed out on anything by traipsing round places together with mum and dad. I think personal hobbies and time for your own enjoyment are important.

It seems quite often the dad is happy to offer 4-5 hours of solo parenting to the mum on one day, to have the same time to do his hobby on the other day, but it's the mum it's not good enough for.

Will probably get flamed, but I don't necessarily think this makes the DH in these scenarios the Devil. He probably just sees 'family time' as your choice when given the same time for him he'd choose going for a run. I'm female and I'd choose going for a run if someone else offered to handle all responsibilities for a morning.

Blimey - is it horses?

@NameChangedForThis2025
I think there are several useful points.

You will get multiple perspectives on this - ask a busier person and you'll find that they've found a way to make it work so it can be done. Not necessarily useful for you.
It's the assumption that's rankling - ask him how he is going to make it work in a fair way to you and the family. Even if the answer is could you possibly cut me some slack on this until April, it is at least acknowledged that you are facilitating two hobbies.
Or ask him - I'd like to do X with my evenings and weekend on a solo basis and I'd like you to hold X time for us as a family. Can you make that work with? Not your problem whether he simply goes running at the crack of predawn if you are sleeping? It is an issue if he assumes he can run every night so YOU can go no-where unless you find a babysitter and arrange it all.

And of course, the run is more than just the run - it's the getting ready, the post-run shower and recovery etc etc so it's NOT 2 hours. It's at least 3, maybe more.

I love long showers, I have long hair and spend a lot of time faffing with my hair, my make-up and doing decent stretches after a session. It still does NOT take me anywhere near 3 hours in total when I go for a 2 hour run 😂😂

Surely it's also about having family time as well..

Not everyone is a martyr and has to give up on having a life just because they have children.

if they each have more or less equal free time at the weekend, it means they each spend equal time with their children.

Just because many women decide to refuse having a life outside of their kids and have no interest in sport/ travelling/ socialising with friends (and it's entirely their right!) but it does not mean they should resent or stop their partner from having a life.

"if I don't want to do it, then I forbid you to do it yourself" is a ridiculous mindset, but too frequent. Completely different from going away every weekend, but we are talking about each partner taking the same amount of child-free time.

Provided that he’s pulling his weight at home during the week just let him fill his boots.

it's not just the 7.5 hours, it's when they're happening, I think. OP says it's 7.5 hours of daylight time. Where I live there aren't even 7.5 hours of daylight in a day at the moment, so that's a full day's worth of family time gone out of the weekend. I think if he's keeping the golf, that needs to happen in daylight, but the running doesn't, or certainly not all of it.

I think if you had more children or a really difficult baby you wouldn't be unreasonable but just one (assuming NT) 4 year old I would suck it up until April

Yanbu. He needs to drop the golf until the marathon is over.

Do you get equal leisure time? So 7.5hrs to yourself a week?

Do you have some kind of magic watch that lets you control time?! 👀

I'm surprised when people say this. Between cooking, laundry, cleaning and general life stuff, it would be impossible for the OP to have 7.5 hours to herself and for them to also spend any amount of time together as a family.