To ask my partner to give up golf while he’s training for the marathon?

It wasn’t raised until the end of the thread but the difference of time available is entirely dependant on whether both parents work full time or not, and how much help - cleaners etc - you have.
we’ve had people on this thread smugly belittling those who don’t have time for both parents to have 10 hours me time each at the weekend, but if all housework/errands/admin/etc has to be done at the weekend, then that isn’t going to be possible.

I’d ask him why I’m having to police his parenting like I’m his mum.

and how deeply unattractive exploitative manbabies are to women.

As long as you get 7.5 hours free each week to follow your hobbies

We could not do this. Absolutely we could not cope and your family are exceptional that you can. Weekends are: kids sports (11 sessions) and all the frantic prepping washing cooking shoppingand tidying a family with 2 full time working parents have to squeeze into the weekend plus family time, time with our parents, other events and our own free time.

Ok, with the update, no, there isn’t time in your particular family schedule for one of you to have 7.5 hours of hobby time of a weekend.

That's fine but not my point. I'm stressing that what he gets, she gets, so it's equal. Each to their own re family time but I don't think that is what op is querying.

If it is, then I'd say divide by three - his time, her time, and family time. You can't ban him from having hobbies and enforce family time, but you can demand equality.

No - for many people there are NOT enough hours to do both, and choices have to be made.

We have no time at all on weekday evenings to do any life admin / proper cooking / fitness / hobbies - it all has to cram into the weekend.

I would LOVE to train for another marathon - I ran long distance before kids, and marathon distance was my favourite - but it's just not feasible at this stage of our lives, and I would never expect my husband to accommodate it. We are both exhausted just covering the key bases, and I would be taking the absolute piss if I expected that. We both step up and parent separately when one of us needs to work at the weekend - and there is very little wiggle room left beyond that.

So many posters on Mumsnet just can't seem to imagine that the constraints of other peoples lives might be in any way different to their own.

If he can’t reciprocate the personal time and there still be family time left, then it is too much with children.

Reciprocal personal time does not mean you get 20 minute pieces squeezed in when it is convenient and constantly interrupted. It means you get similar large, uninterrupted blocks of time. These provide a similar kind of relief from being on call as a parent.

I will add- given that dinner will probably happen around 5:30 followed by bedtime etc.

I feel like this is a slightly pointless argument because you're determined to be right, but I will say this. If a 4 year old gets up at about 7 am and goes to bed at 7pm and one parent is out or busy from 9am until 4:30pm - essentially, until it gets dark, when does family time happen that day?

Yes - in most cases, when you decide to have children as a couple, it's because you want to be a FAMILY, not two financially entwined individuals taking turns o do their stint of co-parenting.

it's up to you

but you can understand that having a partner allow a lot of us to still have their identity, to keep up with sport, still see friends and occasionally go away.
It's a balance. We enjoy our time together more because everything doesn't revolve around the children - well, the first one, as soon as you have several children, you have to split up as they all go in different directions and activities anyway 😂

There are enough hours in a day to do things for you, AND doing things together.

Otherwise might as well be a single parent.

Marathon training can really dominate. I don’t have time for it so I stick to shorter distances because the time commitment is too much for me with a young family. Men seem to find it a lot easier to fit marathon training in, which says a lot generally I think. But YANBU. He needs to focus on one and put the other on the back burner. There’s lots of stuff I would like to do around fitness but I don’t want to take the time out of family life to do it currently as it wouldn’t be fair on DC or DH.

Hours worked is very relevant to what is ‘acceptable’. I was a sahm when my dds were small, so got all chores completed in the week, so there was plenty of time to both spend hours on our own thing, and have plenty of family time still.

I think basic fairness is to take your total disposable time available (which will differ family to family) and divide by 3. Me time, me time, family time. If one person wants to spend their me time as family time, that’s their choice.

I don't much see the point in having a partner if the weekend involves each partner caring for the child separately while the other spends all the hours of daylight doing something else. That feels more like a separated couple to me.

When my children were little, we went to the park, National Trust places, swimming etc together. It was far more fun parenting with another person - less stressful, with more time to play. I also enjoyed parenting with my husband, it's a joint venture after all. If we spent 15 hours each weekend (essentially all daylight hours) doing our own thing, the children would grow up without us ever really being with them week to week.

I do spend more time than most as a family as it happens , if reading this forum is anything to go by

It doesn't mean I would ban my partner from doing his hobby , there are enough hours in a weekend. So many MN posters pride themselves on spending the weekend in their pjs doing chores and batch-cooking (I am just reading the threads..)

But because we are busy, our family time is actual real family time, not wasted doing chores or boring walks to the park .

You just need to be organised and you can easily fit a few hours of sports/ friends in a weekend, and still enjoy time as a family, even better because you did something for yourself and weeks are already very short between work and the kids.

It should be fairly straightforward to combine both. If he plays golf but runs instead of walking not only will he finish playing more quickly but also he'll get the marathon training in. It's win/win.

From my perspective, he's taking the piss - but everyone's family setup is different.

We have 2 kids (one ND, possibly both) and both work extremely long hours - which soak up every evening and also cut into the weekend. So weekend time is extremely precious - the only time we have as a family and to do housework / batch cook / life admin - alongside OT sessions and 2 x kids' sports clubs. The idea that one of us would play golf every single weekend or train for a marathon - let alone both - seems insane.

Some people like spending time as a family @ThatCraftySquid
if it’s not for you, that’s fine, but I’m not sure the umpteen posts about it and endless laughing emojis about how other families work are necessary

I'd be very proactive about scheduling you time. Unless he sees you are specifically losing our you won't get him to see that his absence puts extra burden on you.

why do you need 2 parents at all time? What's that "family time" people keep banging on about?

Do they have plans to go away at the weekend, and one bailing out is actually ruining the weekend - and fair enough, that would be a no for me.

Or, like most people on MN, do they actually do nothing at all, or next to nothing but must do it painfully together?

Normal parents I see juggle and swap kids so they each have time do to things and also have time to spend with their kids - I would hate missing my kids sports training, I do enjoy watching that, but then parents and kids spend an evening together, have a proper family time at some point during the weekend. There are enough holidays during the year to properly catching up too.

Good point re default parenting. Call his bluff
‘oooh I’m so excited, I’ve signed up to do X on a Saturday afternoon. I love X. What’s for dinner?’

I think when you have small kids they take priority and you have less time for hobbies. It’s the way it is

i did my first marathon last year but
a. My kids are older
b. During the last few months I was barely doing anything else other than work, training and parenting. Another hobby and socializing were both pushed to the wayside.

Could you sit down on a Friday evening and plan out how the weekend will look in a way that accommodates his hobbies, a hobby for you and family time? We do this every week so I managed to get my long run in, DH gets his long ride in and we get to spend some quality time together? I may be wrong but it sounds like you need to make time for a hobby for yourself