Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

It sounds like your son was remorseful and that it won't happen again. I would have a serious conversation about it and go down the route of telling the friend that it had been found. I'd tell the friends mum the same so it does get returned.

Hopefully it's one off.

The usual “ah he’s only 6”. We infantilise children a lot today, don’t teach them iron-clad morals and my personal view is this is why they grow up to be the adults we see (for example) as politicians, pathologically unable to be accountable for their mistakes.

Yes, he needs to confess. Not surprised to see the poll indicates only 14% of people agree with me, tho.

He can face consequences from you he doesn't need to with the friend at his age

He's 6. Why would you destroy his friendship and make him a social pariah because he made the kind of mistake that 6-year-olds make? That's cruel and counter productive.

If you have such a rigid view about honesty I assume he also knows that Father Christmas and the tooth fairy don't exist?

Will you also be teaching him to be rigidly honest and tell his friends if he thinks their favourite new outfit makes them look ugly? To tell strangers in the supermarket that he thinks they're fat?

You need to make it clear to your son that what he did was not acceptable and he needs to return it but I would just tell the friend that you found it.
He did something wrong but he shouldn’t risk losing his friend over it or have other parents not want him to come over/ have their children come to yours.

Ahh he’s 6, he’s learning, he is already upset with himself. He’s old enough to understand that it was a bad choice and I doubt will want the feeling again. If he did do it again, you can say this time it’s the truth.

He likely took it, then realised his friend was really upset and didn’t know how to get out of it, so kept quiet, thereby making it worse!

I’d cut him some slack this time, he’s already learnt a good lesson.

It's quite likely the other boy's mum is on mumsnet and has just read this, so you've more or less just told them anyway 😂

Id just say i found it and have appropriate punishment with DS. He'd be punished twice otherwise and it sounds likely he's learned his lesson.

He is 6 and distraught that he got caught out and doesn’t need further punishment, he knows he messed up and I very much doubt he’ll do it again.
You just need to say that you found it when you were tidying rather then risk the friendship, especially if socially he struggles to make connections.
Explain to him if he does it again he will have to tell the truth and that it’s stealing if we take things that don’t belong to us.

Then she'll know that OP and her son have agonised over it and it's out of character.

Well, maybe not the OP's son, but I believe he feels bad.

He may well have not intended to keep it forever, in his mind he may have been borrowing it so he could continue playing with it. He's sorry and he knows he shouldn't have done it and knows what the consequences could be I think that is enough. You never know where it will lead if he confesses, his friend may tell everyone at school and all of a sudden Jimmy is a thief to all his classmates and all their parents, rather an excessive consequence.

Jesus he's only 6. He feels remorseful, you've had words with him. Please let him tell his friend he found it.

Let him give it back and say he 'found' it. He is six, this does not mean he is going to turn into a pathological liar or thief. The poster saying he will one day thank you for making him confess to the friend is deluded.

He’s only 6, you cannot expect him to have the impulse control or understanding of consequences that an adult would have. He feels bad enough and has already learnt his lesson. Obviously discuss it with him but just let him just return it. Forcing him an embarrassing confession will only damage your relationship with him.

I agree with those saying that at six, he's learnt his lesson this time, without having to confess to theft.

Given that he gave (or lent) the other boy his toy in exchange, it sounds like he probably wanted to ask to borrow the emperor toy but wasn't sure how to ask. I assume you've discussed it all with him and he's now better equipped to avoid situations like this in future.

This!! He’s been honest be telling you the truth! You’ve talked to him about how it was wrong and he’s remorseful.

Dont drag it out any further!!

oh he's only little and has poor self control and regulation, it's part of growing up

please don't make him tell the friend - you know, that's enough fo a shame for him. It could impact his friendship - he has learnt his lesson surely?

This.

We were on the other side of this when DD was a similar age. I knew her friend must have taken it. I just messaged the mum saying we couldn’t find the toy and had it perhaps ended up in a pocket or bag by accident. Surprise, surprise it was found in her friend’s bag. I think we both knew what had really happened but I didn’t see the need for embarrassment given their age at the time.

However, it was a while before we invited her around again. DD was also very reluctant to let other friends play with certain toys after that.

this also happened to me !

but I was made to confess and in front of the friends mum , this resulted in the mum calling me a “lying little toe rag” which maybe I deserved but made me feel so much shame,I was only 5 and honestly I internalised this for years

I think to say we found it is fine given the guilt and shame he has already shown

The problem with asking him to come clean with the friend is that the friend is also only six.

We adults can all see that the desire for the toy got the better of your DS. But his little friend might see it as 'you attacked me personally by taking my toy'.

As he's feeling remorseful I'd do what others have suggested, let him to give it back and say he's found it but use the opportunity to teach him that there's no point in taking things - because he'll get found out, and he'll feel ashamed.

Then say that if it happens again, he will have to confess.

Ask your DS to return the toy promptly.
Help him find the accurate words in preparation.

Or have him write a note along with returning the toy.

Words ..
Here, Johnny, is your Emperor P.
Sorry that I kept it and didn't ask to borrow it.
Mummy saw Emperot P and helped me give it back straight away.

Thank you for comming over to play.
You can keep my Falcon until next time you come over.

Our little 'sticky fingers' is now 24 and is a lovely young man and a genuine pleasure to know. These things are in no way indicative of a further life of crime!

Can you give the toy back directly to a parent? It probably shouldn't go into school with your DS anyway - a teeny, desirable toy is likely to get 'lost' again - and that way no one lies to anyone, you just give it to the parent saying, truthfully, that you found it at home.

I’d give the toy back saying you found it, but give your child a firm talking to and point out no one will want to be his friend if he steals. Hes 6, no need to make a bigger deal of it.