Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

Are you usually so patronising?

@Ricecrispiesatsixwhen you say “we found Emperor P hidden in DS’s secret drawer”, how exactly did that play out?

Did you and he continue looking after the other boy had left (you in good faith, your son knowing the truth) and then one of you came upon him, and only after that your son told you the truth?

I agree it was stealing Lego age six! If his mother had stopped that, everything else would’ve been just tikkety boo! He wouldn’t have been a pathological liar or a politician, he may have been an accountant or a librarian maybe?

As I sad Lego theft, a gateway to pathological lies!

We are talking about a one off incident and how to handle that, not a general trait, you do realise that?

Incidentally, using upper case letters in the middle of a sentence, makes your ridiculous point no more credible. It just makes you appear quite enraged about the actions of a six year old and your insistence that your view is right.

I agree strongly with this. He is 6 years old and he confessed to you. If this became an ongoing problem, it may be different. But i would not expose him to the judgement of the playground, which may not be proportionate. Shame is a very harmful emotion for children. This is something for you to manage in the privacy of your home.

He's obviously contrite and remorseful. I'd leave it at that but gently remind him before the next play dates that this must not happen again.

Such ignorance. I bet Boris and the like did EXACTLY that, weren’t properly taught right from wrong and there were little or no consequences for this kind of thing.

How ELSE did he become a pathological liar?

Yes they will. I would absolutely know what had happened. But most adults wouldn't react like you did to a mistake by a 6 year old, and I certainly wouldn't. I think it was probably best for everyone that the kids stopped playing together in your case.

He is 6, he made a mistake, he knows he made a mistake and is remorseful.
If it was my son/grandsons, I would not insist he tells the friend he stole it, Obviously he must give it back straight away, I think knowing you feel let down by him is punishment enough.

Oddly I had something similar when my DS was a similar age.

He used to go to a lego club and one weekend I found a figure in his coat pocket when he returned home (obviously taken from the club). DS hadn't tried to hide it at all and when I asked him about the figure he was heartbroken, sobbed his little eyes out and begged me to take it back, apologise to the staff, offered to pay for some new figures for the club with his birthday money. Although he did say he never wanted to go back to the club himself.

We talked it through, it seemed to be a total impulse thing and DS was so shaken by it all I allowed him to return the figure the following week, tell the people who ran the club he'd taken it by mistake and he continued to attend the club with no other incidents.

He's now in Y8 and we have never had another incident. He is a very trustworthy and honest child so I think that was the right course for our child / a one off incident.

If it had happened again we wouldn't have been so lenient.

How upset was the friend when the toy went missing?

And make sure to kick him in the nuts after 👍

There will be nothing gained from confessing. Your son is already upset and anxious. Let it be a lesson, not a punishment.

A month’s punishment for a 6 year old? It’ll mean nothing since they can’t comprehend ‘month’ at that age.

I think if it’s a first, and he genuinely seems remorseful I’d just ‘find’ it myself and return it. Obviously with the appropriate conversation with my child about stealing. This is when they start learning about actions and consequences. It’s not an unusual behaviour as a one off.

DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore

I’ve been in this exact position before - but the other way round. DDs ‘friend’ stole a toy that was very much coveted by a lot of the contemporaries at the time but wasn’t easily available. When I realised what had happened and asked if the parent/child had seen it (I knew what had happened) they also suddenly ‘found’ it. My DD was inconsolable at the time. If they had been honest and said sorry, bad choice was made, genuinely sorry I may have let DD play with them again. Because they ‘found’ it, so basically both the child and parent were dishonest, DD didn’t go there, or them come here again because I couldn’t trust something similar wouldn’t happen again.

You do realise the other parent will see through you suddenly discovering the item, right?

No. This could carry over into school and your son could get bullied. Tell him to take it back to school and tell his friend you found it. That’s the truth. Then give him a lecture about steeling.

My DS is 5.5 and I wouldn't make him "confess" if he did this, I'd just make sure he gave it back and make sure he understood how upset his friend had been and that if there are things other kids have that he wants, he can ask us for them or put them on his list for Santa.

I'm amazed at the people who say he needs to be punished... You don't teach a child not to lie that way, you just teach them that they need to lie more effectively and hide the thing better. I don't want my children to tell the truth because they're scared of me punishing them if they don't, I want them to tell the truth because it's the right thing to do. Which means teaching by example and a slow imparting of morality and empathy, not punishment.

I think if he is genuinely remorseful and worried he will lose his friend then the lesson has sunk in. I'd go with 'here's your toy back, it was in my room.' Not a lie but not going to cause a falling out either.

I think if it’s out of character and he’s genuinely remorseful, I’d let him off re telling the friend. Assuming the friend is also 6, he might not care and just be happy to have the figure back, or he might be heavy handed and go down the ‘I’m not going to be your friend any more’ route. Because of the possibility of the latter, I’d let it go. Hopefully your son playing out the scenario of losing the friendship because of what he did, has been enough of a lesson.

We all make mistakes. The real lesson is not repeating them, so I’d give him the opportunity to do that and treat it as a one off lapse in judgement.

DS was busted.

He didn’t confess.

Needs to own up and deal with the small fallout.

I also agree with @HoskinsChoice Return the toy yourself so you don't involve him a lie to add to what's already happened.

If you know the mum would just give it to her with a light explanation

Can’t really admonish your child for stealing & lying then in the next breath tell him it’s ok to tell untruths.

Sorry but this a great opportunity to talk through consequences. Ask him to think that through-
Will his friend want to come and play with him again?
Will his friend want to bring his nice toys again?
Will his friend trust him again?
Will his friend tell other people at school about this?
Was it worth it?

Personally I’d ask him what you should do in his opinion? Then you’ll know what to actually do. Because if he says please lie to friend then you don’t. If he says tell the truth then you help him.

Last bit rather muddled 😱 I mean I wouldn't be buying that particular model for him

Return the toy yourself, don't involve him so that you're not encouraging him to lie. Make sure there are proper consequences for him so that he doesn't do it again.