Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

I agree.
He was remorseful and upset because he was caught.
If he hadn't been caught he would have kept it without a second thought.

so he didn’t actually CONFESS. He was busted and then had to acknowledge the obvious.
he’s probably more remorseful that he was found out and that parents told him off.

some lesson in life you gave him

Need no luck from you, thanks very much! 😂

I must say I kind of agree with this. If he’s embarrassed about his behaviour and remembers the lesson then is that really such a bad thing?

i would not react like that to a mistake by a 6 year old, as they are learning.

however parent saying “it was found” is an intentional lie by a grown up, and yes I will absolutely take note of the parent lying. In my books the parent at least should be honest with another parent.

Absolutely this.
He is very young and will learn from this with a chat and a full understanding on why it's wrong.
Why subject him to a lost friendship and public humiliation at school.

Hopefully it will blow over you have text his mum and it won't happen again. Sounds like your husband went in a bit too hard and it was a huge deal to him,which tbf nobody wants their child "stealing" so it has become an issue, pp have said don't let friends bring toys round let them play with your sons toys for a bit,

You asked that question after your ridiculous rant about pathological lying politicians and the correlation between them and six year olds.

Yes, your opinion is different and also in the vast minority.

You spoke to OP like she didn’t have a clue how to paren, you then started with the upper case letters when addressing me? Then asking if I was always so patronising? Because upper case letters and the way you spoke to OP are not patronising at all?

Yes, I’m sure you and your husband have a certain way of parenting…. Good luck with it! 👍

Now OP has answered your question, I’ll leave you to bash her and say how awful that behaviour is again.

I'd let him say he'd 'found it' and return the toy, but there would be consequences for stealing and lying at home.

Hi again, OP -

If the friend’s mum is reading this, she knows how seriously you and DH have taken the situation.

She also knows that DS felt guilty immediately (by his offer of a toy in compensation) and she knows very well that all young DC have ignoble impulses that sometimes get the better of them. They are little!

For all these reasons I hope she will keep this quiet, though obviously that assumes it is not repeated.

I wouldn’t make him confess but I wouldn’t want to teach him to lie either.
You should give the toy to the boys mum, say you found it in your son’s bedroom after her son left, which you did.
Your son should still get a consequence though.. Take something away that he likes for a few days and make sure you let him know that he mustn’t steal.

One of my friends up the road stole the bathroom furniture from my dolls house, it was found under very similar circumstances Never knew how she got it out the house without me seeing. All returned but I never wanted to play with her again

So he confessed only after your DH caught him out. Otherwise nobody would be any the wiser and presumably Emporer whatsischops would still
be AWOL.

Yeah I’d make him tell the truth in this situation or I’d tell the parent what really happened, how unacceptable we find it and what consequence we were putting in place - explaining he’d return the item himself and say sorry.

However, I’m clearly in a tiny minority.

I think it would be a mistake to involve the other family in this life lesson. Return the “found” toy with apologies (which is not untrue, you did find it) and then have a kind but serious talk with your DS about taking things that he knows he shouldn’t.

Whilst your son was wrong to take it, it sounds like he’s remorseful enough now he’s been found out. I would most definitely not tell the other boy’s mum or the other boy himself as this could go horribly wrong for him at school, in particular if the other boy tells other children.

I think give him a pass on this one, he’s only 6 and had owned up to you and likely won’t do it again now. Say to him if he does it again he will have to tell his friend he took it on purpose.

I would let him choose. It's a good opportunity for autonomy. Explain that he's done the right thing by owning up to you, and that you would be proud of him if he followed it through by owning up to his friend. He may blurt it out spontaneously and then it will have been his decision, so he can be proud of himself (and you can make a fuss of him). But you can also ask him to consider what would be the consequence of not owning up to his friend - and the answer would be 'not much'! Either way the whole experience will stand him in good stead for the next time he has to confess to something. He sounds lovely OP.

I have a different view from many on this thread. That is fine and I’m entitled to it. It makes me neither dramatic nor ridiculous (whatever you mean by the latter - it’s quite an a nebulous adjective in this context).

You may notice I’ve asked a question earlier about what happened at what stage: this is also pertinent information. It makes a difference whether he confessed to his mum only after he was caught out in the lie, or did so voluntarily.

You can disagree with me, of course. However, sadly, Mumsnet seems to have become a place where people reach for insults rather than debate the issue calmly.

I wouldn’t even ask complete strangers on the internet what to do in this situation: my husband and I have enough confidence in our own parenting and moral compass (depending on the facts) to deal with it without external validation or guidance.

I personally think this is something to manage within the household, I wouldn't make him say anything else to his friend beyond the fact that it's been found (which is true).

I'm not sure what there would be to gain if it's been managed appropriately by the parents.

It would be different if there was a recurring problem in a specific situation.
So if your son was going to this friend's house regularly for instance, and taking things from there. At that age, I would talk to the mum then, not his friend.

My 4 yo has been taking toys from nursery, I have talked to the room leader so they can pay more attention (if they want to), made him take the toy back and apologise.

When I was about the same age, I stole a little eraser I wanted from a shop after my mum wouldn’t buy it. When we got home and my mum discovered it, she took me straight back to give it back to the shopkeeper and made me apologise. I was mortified. Never did anything like that again though.

In the friendship context I would worry that the friend would tell others at school, so I would probably go with the “I found it” route but would be very clear with your son that this cannot happen again because other people don’t like stealing and lying about it.

I also agree strongly with this. The actual problem people in society do steal, but they don't get caught and don't shoe remorse. This kid clearly has a conscience, he's gonna be okay. Absolutely right to talk through him why it was wrong and make sure it never happens again. No-one gains from shaming him though, and that's all a confession is.

Absolutely do not get him to confess.. people lie in life ALL the time! He was clearly upset that he had betrayed your trust and that’s the main thing.
squash it and don’t show him up to his mates..

politicians lie, people lie on their CVs etc.. you need to show you’re on his side through thick and thin. You will know deep down how sorry he is without causing unecessary stress…

Are you usually so dramatic and ridiculous?

Honestly, so much projection for a six year old 🤣

I also think that it’s important at this age that children feel they can share any problem with their parents and they will help them.

If you expose him to his classmates, you will teach him to hide things from you. At 6 years old, you should be able to confide in your parents and trust they will make things better - with the outside world at least.