Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

I wasn’t reacting to the child.
I was reacting to the parent. Being told a bare faced lie by the parent was the issue.

It’s developmentally normal at this age. I think he’s learned his lesson. No need to shame him more.
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/conditions-and-diseases/lying-and-stealing

Yes. You have no control over how the friend and his mother might react @Ricecrispiesatsix . It's too big a risk to take with a six year old.

I'd tell him to take it back and say that mummy found it (which you did) but make it very clear to him that if this ever happens again, you go with him and make him tell the truth.

Make him walk down the street ringing a bell wearing one of those placard things with "i'm a thief" written on it.

I didn’t say my parenting style deserves a medal! Of course we ALL make mistakes.

Oh, oops, mea culpa: I forgot using capital letters is a cardinal sin in your book: you’ve mentioned that several times.

You have incorrectly assumed I care that the vast majority of people I don’t know and will never meet disagree with me on this. Doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

It's a good age to learn not to steal. I have never forgotten being found out by my mum for stealing from her purse, or being told I had to give my friend's silver bracelet back. You can explain to him that what he did was wrong, but don't humiliate him by making him confess to the other child - just let him say he found it under the sofa or something.

As long as he knew it was wrong let him apologise and leave it at that. Keep a watchful eye on him in future though.

Blimey, he's 6 years old ! He's discovered that he feels rotten when he does something dishonest. Which means he's unlikely to do it again. Reinforce to him that his behaviour is not acceptable, and that on this one occasion you will support him to just give it back saying he found it. But that it is not to happen again. If he can't feel that he can tell his parents about something he knows is not OK then how can you expect him to come clean about other misdemeanours (accidental or otherwise) in the future.

I don't think there's anything to be gained by shaming your child in front of his friend. Ever. If you're happy he feels regret then this should be kept in-house, there's no need to punish him further.

Yes, this is spot on.

He's only 6, and potentially spoiling the only friendship he has seems unnecessarily harsh.
He needs to return it to the friend, obviously. And needs to understand that you're cross about this, and will be watching him very closely in the future. If he has a punishment from you, such as losing access to a favoured toy for a length of time, I think that would be reasonable and enough.

Six is peak lying age. You don’t need to lie to anyone. Just give it to the boy’s mum and say “look what turned up after you left!” and leave it at that…

DS is worried his friend won’t want to play with him anymore.

I tend to think honesty is the best policy for adults who know better but I'm more flexible with children. I don't think I would make him confess but it's interesting that he's both aware and worried about how him stealing borrowing the figure might affect his friendship. I would talk to him and explain that choices have consequences and that if he wants to have friends he can't expect to steal from them and keep them. I would hand the toy back, say you found it and tell your son you will not cover for him if he does it again.

Go with the I found it, but some at home consequences in private. Even in a workplace praise and recognition is public, consequence management private

No need to go in with a sledgehammer. You can teach lessons without being so harsh.

He’s so young, he made a mistake. Let him say he found it but he gets a lecture from you saying anymore nonsense like and the next time he doesn’t get a pass, and he’ll be confessing to the parents. He can learn from it without losing the friendship.

It sounds like he's learnt his lesson already and there's no point making the incident bigger by forcing a confession (unless he wants to do so).

He’s 6….
By being unpleasant and harsh all you are doing is teaching a small child that you are not approachable when they’ve messed up, the anxiety caused to him if he was ordered to confess to his friend at this age would be awful.
Yes as parents we should explain that taking things that belong to others is stealing, that friends will be upset and that he must not do it again.
This isn’t a child that is old enough to fully understand the consequences of taking it when he made the split decision to hide it, he will be in reception or year 1 in primary school.
Compassion and empathy along with guidance is what’s needed here, not being unpleasant.

This. He’s only 6. He doesn’t even comprehended sharing yet! That’s part of the brain is literally JUST developing now.

I did this at about the same age with a friend's Princess Jasmine doll. My mum dealt with it "in house" and we told her we'd 'found' it. I definitely wasn't a criminal mastermind and have never stolen anything else since. I would use it as an opportunity to explain to him about right and wrong then let it go.

I remember being that age. The punishment is the owning up to your parents. It feels so awful. They know what you've done. He's six, and this should be the end of it. Allow him to return the toy and pretend he found it. Otherwise the repercussions could be greater than the crime, and the lesson he may learn is that he should have kept his mouth shut and not confessed. And let him know you'll be keeping an eye on him in future.

I think your DS has learned the lesson. He tried it and it felt horrible, I think every child goes through this, my DS certainly did at about that age. Just reinforce the lesson and leave it there.

Completely agree, the feelings of shame and remorse ARE the punishment.

Don't put him through such a difficult situation for really common behaviour. He's only 6.

If it happens again, however, then I would be making a different move. Probably speaking to the other parent about it and letting them make the decision on if they feel the friendship is correct for their son at this time.

Mum of daughter´s friend found her daughter had stuffed quite a few of my daughter´s stuff in her rucksack. Mum takes it all out and leaves it in my DD´s bedroom. We all pretend we didn´t see anything. Consequence: my daughter no longer sees this friend with the same eyes. She was pondering over this for some time, as she brought it up a couple of times asking why? "Well, I said. Friend is also 6 and sometimes impulse gets the better of kids I say, but I am sure the looks could kill that her mum gave her will last a lifetime". This was last summer, and out of the blue little friend apologised to my daughter this Christmas for taking her things. My daughter was pleased, but the damage is done.

Actions have consequences. He’s of school age and should be taught this. Confiscation of a toy is not too harsh a consequence.

There are children that steal from each other at school, she doesn’t want her child being one of them and labelled a thief forever more.

She has to be firm with this lesson.

He's only six and it sounds like he has already learned his lesson. It is enough to have confessed to you and to have felt remorse and shame. You should let him say it turned up.