Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

I said to DS at bedtime that he’s a good boy who made a mistake and that the important thing now is to put it right.

This really isn’t the case though in this instance. He choose to do something naughty that hurt his friend and got found out. If he’d come to you upset and confessed what he’d done I’d agree with the impulse control angle. But he kept the pretense up after the other kid had left and there’s no indication he would have ever confessed if your DH hadn’t found it.

Now he knows he needs to hide things better.

I don’t agree with coming down hard on young kids, it just scares them into hiding everything. But telling him he’s good right when he’s done something naughty isn’t a good way to develop good behaviour. Use more neutral language and focus on the impact on his friend and how he would feel if his friend did similar to him. Don’t shame him over it - it’s an opportunity to learn - but don’t give him praise when he’s behaved poorly.

lol
so your kid stole.,and then lied. And then didn’t have to face consequences from his friend. And then, got to go spend his Xmas money on something.

top parenting 👏

This is a good learning opportunity and shows him he can trust you and come to you with secrets. I agree with others that he should not be made to confess (this time) but you can spend time going over it to help it sink in. The feeling he has now will probably prevent any similar behaviour happening again!

Teaching a 6 year old to lie sends the wrong message. He needs to own up, apologise and maybe get a gift for his friend. Nothing extravagant, some sweets maybe. 6 years old is old enough to own their mistakes I think

Let the first offence be a serious warning and if it happens again you’ll make him confess

I can’t believe how harsh some
people are, this kid is 6. I think you are handling this very well. You have had a conversation with him. Ask him to consider how he would feel
if his friend had take his toy but definitely just say you found it. Hope the other mum is not o her or if she is, she won’t tell her child. It would ruin the friendship. I doubt he will do this again.

This

He’s made a bad choice & has learnt from it; message Noys mum & say it was found down edge of bed or some other innate piece of furniture & say your son was so upset it was lost he kept looking

He understands that it's wrong, and that he needs to give it back.
What he says should be up to him.

So a happy ending seems to be the outcome.
Kids do silly things, and they learn from their mistakes, upsetting mum and dad is one thing most don't want to do.
Your son sounds like a normal, happy little boy....especially now he has his own Emperor P.😎

It’s not a cardinal sin, but it does indicate shouty rage words, so maybe just calm down.

He’s six and I bet good money he won’t turn into a pathological liar politician.

Calm and reasoned using your “shouty” words! Oh yeah you’re the most calm and reasoned poster on here!

The six year old is the going to be the same as Boris Johnson a pathological liar politician, because in your words

Such ignorance. I bet Boris and the like did EXACTLY that, weren’t properly taught right from wrong and there were little or no consequences for this kind of thing.
How ELSE did he become a pathological liar?

I’m from the south of Ireland, not from the north Ireland if that makes any bearing?

Its tough. Make him own up - bearing in mind he is only 6 - may be the right thing but isn't going to make a huge difference to his friend in that he still gets his item back but could ruin the friendship and could deeply impact your child not only with this child but also others. Potentially also his relationship with you as you aren't then someone he will feel will help him problem solve his mistakes but will see an even worse end result. I think he sounds like he was already punished in his reaction when it was discovered and he realised he did wrong. I would use it as an opportunity to explain why we do not steal and lie, what will happen if there is a next time, and that you get told off less if you confess than if you maintain a lie. Also a chance to explain how mistakes and poor decisions happen and telling you makes it better not worse. I do think there should be another consequence - perhaps he cannot play with his figures for a period.

Im half Irish and I can confirm we can be as passive aggressive as the next person 🤣🤣

I’ve received a lot of unnecessary and personal abuse on this thread, merely for expressing an apparently out of the ordinary view. That’s the way MN is going these days, apparently. Pity.

@RicecrispiesatsixFWIW your bigger problem is the fact you and your husband don’t be on the same page about how to deal with the issue. You posted largely because he disagreed with you I think: do yuh plan to show him this thread?

I would do this too. But I would give him a consequence for doing this. He’s also 6 so not very young.

🙄

Passive aggressive AND discriminating against the Brits....you go from bad to worse.😬

That’s embarrassing, would you stop that please. (I’m Irish.)

God, what absolute rot. It’s a calm and reasoned response to an incredibly aggressive-aggressive poster.

I’m from Northern Ireland: we don’t even know what passive aggression is. Not like the British can do it.

Won't the average 6 year old be more upset that he has let his parents down?
I think they would be, and that may have more effect on him that admitting o the boy and his parents that he nicked it.

Six year olds need to know they can trust their parents,
IF he does it again, then that's a different matter, my bet is, now he knows he has upset and angered his mum and dad by his actions, he won't.

He was only remorseful because he had been found out. What is telling is how he was beforehand. Did he deny having it or knowing where it was? He can tell his friend it was found but the lecture and punishment is to come from his parents.

This is a very passive-aggressive post.🙄

There's a lot of concentration on how your DS feels and how remorseful he is and how awfully upsetting it is for him (and I'm sure it is)
I think it is important for your son that you discuss how upset the other little boy feels having lost his toy and how distressing that is for him

Yes, agreed. As I said my DD was utterly distraught. The child that stole her toy was from a family that could buy whatever they wanted, we couldn’t at that time and there would have been no getting another one. That child stole simply because they wanted it and the parent lied to cover for them. Great lesson. If I hadn’t gone to them and made it clear I knew they had it, I doubt DD would have got it back. At least the OP is returning the stolen toy, I suppose.