Moral dilemma - should 6 year old DS be made to confess?

I’d let him say he just found it. But I’d have given him a very stern talking to about ever nicking anything, so I’d hope he’d have learnt his lesson. And I think I’d tell him that if, heaven forbid, it ever happens again, I will certainly make him go and own up in person.

He made a mistake, I would not humiliate him and make him confess. I would say, toy has been found and return it- min fuss. However, actions have consequences. I would put in place some mild punishment. He knows he has done wrong, he knows you are disappointed in him, that is probably enough.

I wouldn't make him feel even worse than he already is feeling. Just let him say he found it and then tell him its not ok as you already have. It's great he has found a friend with similar interests and would be a shame for for play dates to not continue for the sake of one lapse of judgement by a 6 year old.

That was a really long way of saying no I don’t think your son should be made to confess. He knows it’s wrong and needs to give it back.

Hard disagree with this.

Hes 6 and it sounds like he’s learnt his lesson.

there’s no way I would do anything to risk his new friendship.

I would return it to the friend and say we found it, apologies for it going missing. I would also buy him a chocolate bar or something as way of apology, maybe even taking some coins from your son’s piggy bank to pay for it.

id say that’s lesson enough.

If the friend's Mum is on MN, they'll see this

Tell him he found it and read son the riot act !
Honestly op he's only 6 ,,you finding it and him being embarrassed and humiliated is enough punishment PLUS if this is one of the few friends he has who shares interests don't spoil it for him unessarcarily .

This happens often at school when children bring in little toys ( they are asked not to). We help the children deal with it in a non confrontational way as they are so young. In year one, 5/6 year olds, last week at home time a child discovered some Pokémon toys attached to their school bag had disappeared. The children can be alone in the cloakroom as they walk through it to the toilet. We gave out all bags and asked the children to look incase the toy had got into their bag, no result so we said okay bags open we (teacher/ TA) will come and look in everyone’s bag incase it’s fallen in. Lo and behold as we began looking in bags one little girl, called out “ I’ve found it”. We said great go and give it to the boy who it belonged to and that was it. The girl was probably scared enough as we started to go through bags and hopefully won’t do it again. We followed up a couple of days later with circle time about not taking other peoples things but not focusing on that specific incident. Young children are learning and they don’t need humiliating or being labelled as a thief at 6, as with your son op, she just gave in to temptation. It will be recorded but only so we can notice if it’s repeated behaviour and then we’d look into why a child is taking others belongings but a one off incident is a pretty normal
part of childhood.

I wouldn't make him do a full "confession" to his friend given everything you've said. It sounds like he's very remorseful and has learnt a lesson so I'd just say you "found it" and very sorry etc. I'd also reiterate to your DS that he should always be honest with you even if he has made a mistake and that you can sort any issues out together (and taking a gentler approach when dealing with this issue underlines that you're a safe space).

DS did wrong and there should be a consequence. It’s your choice what that consequence is. I personally wouldn’t get him to admit the truth given the wider impact this could have. I would put limits on media / some other interest for a period of time instead.

This. You give it back and say YOU found it.

Talk to your son, talk about making a good decisions. Get him to do some helping around the house or he loses something for a while (sanction) and then brush over it.

I stole from a shop aged 6 - everyone had spending money but my friend didn’t have enough and I had none - so I took it to please her. It was on a school trip. I got back on the coach and felt awful an confessed to the teacher she got off and paid for it and said just learnt from this - next time don’t do it nothing is worth feeling this bad and I didn’t even do anything like that again ever.

If it's the first time I wouldn't force him to say it. I try not to let friends bring toys around to play with for exactly this reason. We had a huge problem when two friends visiting at the same time both claimed an item, and I had no idea who was telling the truth, and neither did the parents collecting as both children owned the item but neither parent knew whether their child had actually brought it with them or left it at hime.

I would say to friend /mum thank heavens you found it and return

dont say he took it

but

I would be having a serious chat with son esp as you found it , he didn’t tell you

if you hadn’t found it - would he have said - I don’t think he’s feeling sorry . He got caught out

Sometimes temptation is just too much for small children. I remember a great aunt having a big jar of sweets that she would let me have one out of. When she was out of the room I would pinch 2 or 3 and put them in my pockets to take home. I didn't go on to do bad things never stole from a shop.

I would let him tell his friend he found it but make sure he knows it was wrong and how would he feel if one of his friends took one of his toys without him knowing.

I'd say he did confess already - he's confessed to you. That's good enough at 6. Don't make him tell the other boy. It could get all around school and result in name-calling, bullying etc.

I think it's very young for this to have serious consequences. Some things from primary followed kids I went to school with for years and I wouldn't want his friend to tell everyone at school he was a thief (even if he was...)

I'd let it go once but say if he ever does it again you will make him own up face to face and apologise.

Oh 😂 my dd had a little friend who i had to "frisk" before she went home.

“Finding it” isn’t really lying though, he doesn’t have to say where he found it!
Or he could say he accidentally put it away with his stuff.
Apologising and returning the toy is all that’s required I think.
He’s only 6 and obviously knows he’s done wrong.

I’d probably message the friend’s mum though and say sorry you found a toy and DS will return it at school - just in case he is tempted to not actually return it.

Aww kids do this! At the same age I used to have to get DS' bestie to turn out his pockets before leaving 😂

They don't have the same morality and the fact that he understands he did wrong would be enough for me. I would just return the toy, not make too much more of it, and move on with what sounds like a nice friendship

Ah gosh- terrible reading comprehension from me 😬
That makes it trickier... I take back my advice and leave it to others who can read better

^ This. He’s what six? Not a criminal mastermind. He knows it was wrong, he best not do it again. I’d leave it at that.
The parents know it’s at your house, so just return it.

I would just give it back and say you found it. He’s only 6 and there’s no need to involve other people. It’s not really that big a deal so I wouldn’t make it into one. Just deal with it in-house, as it were.

I remember stealing a chocolate bar from a friend’s house around that age and I felt so horrible after, I still remember it now. Forcing me to apologise and risk a friendship would have been awful, I felt guilty enough as it was and never did it again!

I agree. He won’t forget how bad he feels. Don’t jeopardise his friendship.

In future it might be best if his friends don’t bring toys with them for a while.

He didn’t own up. OP found it in DS’s secret drawer.

The fact that he owned up to you and was remorseful is enough imo. My child once did this with a school toy. She was eaten up with guilt and felt terrible about it- she still remembers it years later. We talked about how the guilty feeling is learning how to behave in society and how to be a good friend and treat others. I told her to listen to her emotions- in this case her emotions were telling her she did something wrong, and she did right to listen, and in future she can avoid that bad feeling but not doing it again.
The toy went back into school with an apology for taking it home by mistake. Which was true enough.
I wouldn't ruin a budding friendship for this mistake, just ensure he learns from it. Perfectly normal behavior for a child learning how to be.