Am I allowed to be upset??

What a twat, just because she's 99 doesnt mean it doesnt matter.

I am very, very sorry for your loss.

The thing is, as I said to someone who said, somewhat reproachfully when I was upset when my Dad died, when he was 75, and I was 20,that he had had a good innings, was that no matter how old he was, it was still too soon for me to be ready to let go.

We were looking at my Mum dying a few years ago. She was 84. My 40 year old niece was sobbing on my shoulder. It was too soon for her to lose her Grandmum.

They have been there ALL YOUR LIFE. Of course you're upset! A touchstone of your life has gone, never to be that physical presence in your life again.

I still feel sad about my great grandmother dying when in 1996 (I was eight years old.) I sometimes feel sad about her husband (my great grandfather) who died when I was a baby because I don't remember him but he adored me, and it makes me sad that I can't remember him. (I'm sure they come to visit me sometimes, but I'm very woo.)

I am so sorry for your loss OP. ❤️ You're allowed to grieve for as long as you need to.

You are allowed to feel sad and cry as much as you need to.
Remembering your shared history and loving memories.
Ime, sometimes people say insensitive things without fully appreciating how they are coming across.
Take care OP, your gm was clearly loved and cherished very much.
Relish those memories

has he always been such an asshat? "Come on babe" I mean how old is he?

What a dick. Of course logically you know that at 99, she was a great age but for fucks sake, it doesn’t make it hurt less or make you miss her less. I’m really sorry for your loss, Nanas are so precious. Mine is 88 and getting rather frail these days, I know she won’t go on forever but I also know I’ll be an absolute mess when we do lose her.
I’m also sorry you have such an insensitive, clumsy knobhead as a husband. Is he always like this?

Her longevity is an intellectual point that means her death is not tragic. It’s a completely separate thing from the huge grief you feel now that she’s gone. As a PP said, i still feel grief for the grandparents i lost 20+ years ago and more recently, for my mum who died 13 years ago and for my stepdad who died 5 years ago. You learn to live with the grief so it doesn’t dominate but it’s there if you look for it. Of course you’re still intensively grieving after 2 days. You probably will for quite a while yet.

There is a difference to the way grief feels when someone passes unexpectedly or at a point we feel is too soon, vs a situation where it was a natural evolution. That doesn't mean the grief isn't real and strong and impactful either way.

When my father dies, he will do so at a good age, having had a really good life and I believe I will take comfort from that. But I'm also 100% certain I will nonetheless be devastated.

Grief is a process we all go through in coming to terms with a loss. It doesn't matter how old the person was it's about what they meant to you. Or does he think there should be a scale e.g. hit 70 and noone should have to grieve for you? 🙄

I am so sorry for your loss. Your grandma has been an important part of your entire life, of course you are grieving. Your DH is an insensitive arse.

The death of a 99 year old is not a tragedy. But losing someone you’ve loved all of your life is a sad event and of course it’s going to impact you.

Her age is irrelevant. You loved her. She was part of you. Sorry for your loss xx

Yeah, you're allowed to be upset. He's being quite inconsiderate.

Yes, he might have been trying to frame it in a way that makes it easier to bear.

Of course you are entitled to be upset, but how are you sharing the emotions? If you're devastated and keep saying "OMG she's gone" I can understand his reaction.

My DM died at a similar age and although I was/am heartbroken, it's always while acknowledging gratitude that she had a long and happy life.

Sorry for your loss OP 💗

He sounds about as sensitive as the person who asked me 2 days after a bereavement whether I was "over it" yet

Just because something isn’t a shock doesn’t mean it’s not sad. He’s being a dickhead.

he likes to remind me that she's lived longer than his dm (she died 5 years ago at 77) and that she's had a good life so time to move on!

Ooh that is horrible.

My mum was early 60s when she died.

I keep my bitterness to myself!

Of course - you can be sad for the loss of a person you will miss at the same time as acknowledging and being grateful for a long life well lived. That’s certainly how I felt when my 96 year old grandfather died. He was ready to go, it was an expected death, but we still grieved him and I would not have wanted to change that or apologise for it.

He sounds like the kind of guy who freaks out when a bird poos on his car and expects everyone to understand how distraught he is. Sigh
You don't need his permission to have feelings.

Age has nothing to do with it. It’s not a shock but it still hurts.

My granny is 98 and I will be devastated when she goes. I won’t have additional grief you feel when someone has gone before their time but I will still miss her. I was very despondent for about a month when she moved to a care home recently. I have been visiting her in her flat for 35 years and have many happy memories there. Everyone, from dh and close friends to work colleagues was empathetic and kind about it. I’m sorry he can’t do that for you. And sorry for your loss.

Well of course you couldn't expect her to live forever, but she has been in your life for all of it & it was always going to be hard.

With her being 99 it's less of a shock but that doesn't make it any less upsetting.

So sorry for your loss ❤, it doesn't matter that your gm was 99, she was someone you loved and cared for.

My dh is a bit like yours. My mum is 83 and in advanced dementia and hasn't got much long left in this world, I cry for her every day but he likes to remind me that she's lived longer than his dm (she died 5 years ago at 77) and that she's had a good life so time to move on!

Some people have very little empathy when it comes to losing older loved ones. We still loved them though regardless of their age.

We grieve because we have lost someone we loved.
We grieve because there will be no more time with them, no more memories, no more sharing of life events.
We grieve because we will miss their company, and spending time with them.

grief is totally normal when we lose someone close. We even grieve when someone moves away, or when a child grows up and leaves home, because we will have less time with that person.

Of course it is easier to come to terms with the fact that someone has died when it is expected, fewer shouts of why did this happen? And there isn't the shock of a sudden death to deal with. But that doesn't change the fundamental point.
We have lost someone.

I am so sorry for your loss.❤

It isn’t quite different. It’s saying exactly the same thing i.e. get over it. Not allowing people to grieve by shutting them down isn’t comforting, it is shutting them up. Comforting would be ‘of course you are sad, you’ve know her a long time, you were close, she was a lovely woman’ etc.

People said similar to me when my elderly mum died. Oh well, she was 97, it was time, she’s better where she is, you must be relieved. Just because someone is old their loss isn’t any less. If anything, you have more memories and I got closer to my mum in her old age. Of course it is the natural order of life but that doesn’t make the loss any less and we are spectacularly bad about talking about death in this country and supporting the bereaved. We need to do better.