Am I allowed to be upset??

Sorry for your loss OP. I also lost my grandma at 99, the day before her birthday. I still miss her years after, and always will. Grief is love.

@Notamummsymum I’m very sorry for the loss of such an important person in your life. You’ve an absolute right to feel as you do. The loss of a grandparent is hard.

Your DH is very insensitive and I’m quite surprised you say he lost his DM five years ago as it would be easy to assume he hadn’t experienced the loss of someone close. Then again the ability to appreciate someone else’s position and their sense of loss is not built into only those who have had the experience.

My experience of bereavement when my 82 year old father died five years ago (as a result of delayed cancer treatment due to COVID) was that the most difficult to deal with reaction was the minimising:

“at least he was old, at least it wasn’t COVID, at least you’ve still got your mum, at least he didn’t suffer like so and so (how TF can you be sure of that?)”.

So my first rule of responding to someone’s grief is to respond just to them and not try and relate it to my own feelings, other people’s experiences etc - it’s not relevant. And never respond with ‘at least …’ And don’t ignore it altogether in the ultimate act of minimisation.

The other thing that I found difficult is having someone respond by trying to slot the loss into a position on some kind of Grief Hierarchy, e.g “you think you’re devastated about your dog, my friend lost her favorite uncle two weeks ago [and an uncle is 10 points, (but only 7 points if over 70), whereas your dog is only 3 points on the Allowable Grief Scale]. There was a lot of that during Covid with people questioning the value of treating old people - hard to hear when it’s your old person, so I can really appreciate how you feel about your DH’s comments. Over all it is the minimising of feelings that is very hard to take at a difficult time (even if it is well meant clumsiness, not sure if that’s the case with your DH).

Sorry for your loss of your Grandma. Look after yourself and take the time you need. 💐

of course you are "allowed" to be upset at losing someone you loved!
I feel the pain of loss is directly proportional to your love for your person.
Your husband seems to have no clue and seems emotionally stunted.

Of course you are allowed to be upset the longer a person lives for the worse it is...you think they will live for ever

Is your husband always so insensitive and unfeeling? Does he know that people don't only experience grief when a death is unexpected or premature?

I'm sorry for your loss. Grief isn't something you choose, it's something you feel and there is no time limit on it.

Everyone seems to assume he's never lost anyone and that's why he's being callous about this - but I wonder if he has, and that's why he can't see why you aren't grateful you had so long with her? I have a friend who admitted to me that she (secretly!) struggles when people lose very elderly relatives because her own mum died so young - she knows it's irrational, and unpleasant, and keeps it to herself, but I understand why she feels that way. Your DH clearly isn't showing the same sort of self reflectiveness, but if he has lost his relatives young he may be thinking on some level that you've been very lucky.

Also, I personally have never known someone in their late 90s where they weren't ill/frail enough that there was an element of relief because the suffering was over when they passed - a sense that it was absolutely their time. Obviously there are people who are still healthy and active at that age, and your grandmother may have been one of them, but that might also be colouring his reaction.

Is your grief inconveniencing him? He sounds quite self centred and lacking empathy.

Of course you’re allowed to be upset when someone you love dies. This is not a stranger you read about in a newspaper.

Sympathies for your loss.
The death of my grandmother was incredibly sad. She had been such an important part of my life. We had shared interests in gardening and various crafts and I had spent a lot of time with her in her home and garden. She was very special to me.
I would have been furious with anyone who made light of my grief.

Just because it's expected doesn't make it hurt less. Your husband's being weird here.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

That's hardly the same as saying you are not allowed to be upset.

I am so sorry for your loss and if she lived to such a good age , then you are likely to be more upset because she has been part of your life longer.
Your husband is being very unkind.

I lost my 96 year old pil that drove me around the bend, behaved increasingly unreasonable created a huge amount (at least daily) of work and 5/6 nights a week call outs therefore not a lot of sleep.

I was still upset. Your husband is being really unkind.

I had similar some years ago. I found myself randomly bursting into tears. I ran out of petrol while driving. It was really tough for a couple of weeks, but it does get better.

I am sorry for your loss.

And no, you are absolutely not unreasonable to be upset!

is your DH intentionally belittling you and your grief or is he trying to (unhelpfully) comfort you by suggesting that you shouldn’t be that sad because she’s already old?

The former is absolutely vile. The latter would be clumsy and unhelpful but his attempts would be coming from a good place, which would make me want to talk to him (if you are up for it). Or simply show him this thread…

The fact someone had a long life does not make the pain of losing them any less - if anything, it might be worse, as they have been part of not just your childhood, but also your adult life for so long. Knowing that something painful is coming does not lessen the pain.

Sorry your DH is so thick.

Your DH is an idiot. Of course you’re allowed to be sad no matter what her age. Yes you can console yourself with the fact she lived a long life, but that doesn’t mean you are not allowed to be upset. When people are grieving you don’t grieve less because someone was expected to die. I’d tell him if he doesn’t have anything kind to say, to keep quiet.

OF COURSE YOU CAN BE UPSET!!!! I'm so sorry for the loss of your Grandma x

Why would you not be allowed to be upset? Of course she lived a long life and that’s great but you are allowed to be upset at her death!

So sorry you have just lost your Grandma💐 Yes she was 99 but that has bugger all to do with grief and the sense of loss. I take it when a close loved to your twunt of a husband dies he will just shrug and carry on ?

Perfectly reasonable (expected and natural) for you to be upset over your grandmas death.

it’s not perfectly reasonable for your husband to react this way. He either has severe emotional issues or is a complete dick.

She Could have been 150 and you would still grieve her loss.

It’s does not matter that she’s 99 your grief is your grief and it’s completely valid! I was really upset when all my grandparents passed. It also reminds you of how life in finite and certain good times with your wider family are just behind you now. You DH is being very unkind. Sorry for your loss.

I truly thinks he means to be kind, but it would be kinder of him to talk let you talk about how much you love and miss your grandma who has been part of your life for decades.

Everybody is going to die at some point, that doesn't mean you can't be really upset when it happens! Even if they have had a good, long life.

I agree about the touch stone

OP Feel what you feel, and react however you need to - that is your prerogative no one has the right to dictate that to you.

It's not just the physical presence... its the fact that they have been in the background all your life, a sense of security that there was someone older and wiser who had your interests at heart..
It leaves a gap, and its the end of an era, things will change as people accommodate themselves to that gap Life suddenly becomes a bit more uncertain. If this comes on top of an earlier bereavement, it can bring the feelings from the first one to the surface again.
Even if someone is very old and it is expected. When it actually happens it can still be a shock. Its the finality of the thing.

If your Dh was saying it to comfort you, he has probably not experienced a similar loss and may have been trying, although clumsily, with good intent.

If he's saying it because he is tiring of your grief - after just two days and before the funeral - that's another thing entirely and he should have more respect.

It is often said, but I do think its true, that time is a healer. I don't know about that, but it does make it more bearable to live with. Give yourself time xx