Should I let husband give up work

'earning an ok wage but not loads.'

and you both think / believe you can live on half of that ?

and there would be no car, not just one car instead of 2

NO

I’d support him in leaving a job that’s making him miserable but not giving up work. What he needs is a new job.

This

We have done that. I work and DP does not because our household just didn't function well without one person to do the "wife-work". I work full time and he suttles kid around, dog around, deals with laundry and shopping, maintenance men, car mechanics etc.. We do have a cleaner as that isn't his forte but he does all the dishes and daily pick up. It's lovely. Now I know why the partiarchy is unwilling to give up their wives! However I love and appreciate him for what he does, I value it, I also do my share of housework and carrying the mental load. We are a happy and productive team.

From what you say about his efforts with housework and the fact that the kids are in school full time and will be independent in a few years when they start secondary school, I’d be reluctant at this stage in your lives. Having no mortgage isn’t much solace if for any reason YOU lost your job through redundancy or ill health. No second income is of little use when you are scraping money together to help your kids at university - and what model does it set your children? You need not only to have the mortgage paid off but a nest egg that cushions you from the loss of his income, so no, I would say this is a financially foolhardy proposition, and therefore likely to undermine your relationship. You don’t need a SAHP at this stage - you needed it when they were under five - so it seems a bit too little too late?

I think a compromise would be a part-time role for an agreed period of, say, twelve months which would allow him to work out what he wants to do with his life and then plan/train/focus applications on doing that. Other than that - well millions of people do jobs they hate.

The TicToc generation seems to think we have the right to go singing and dancing into work every day, but frankly this is ridiculous. If he is unhappy in his job he needs to look at ways to improve his position - training, asking for WFH/Hybrid model, or looking for a new job. You don’t just walk away because it’s no fun, especially when you have dependents and responsibilities.

You already know he isn't going to do an equal amount of labour in the home if you do this and will prioritise his leisure time, leaving you doing a double shift of work and housework.

Don't do it! It would be a different matter if he was going to lessen your load in the home.

oh, and I don't know if these sort of mortgages exist anymore (or in this country) but there used to be a mortgage where you could apply and the funds are available. So it might be worth considering getting something like that where you're not spending the money, but it becomes your buffer should you need it down the line. But you should seek proper financial advie - I'm not sure how it would work or what the options are. I did something similar with a Covid loan for my business during covid,

It best to go over a list of expectations beforehand. Agree what you both think is reasonable for him to do and trial it for 3 months. If not he gets back to work or at least part time

it won’t hurt to have less pressure regarding kids and costs etc. and no big holidays is fine. A bit of camping is great fun

Can he stick it out until the mortgage is paid off becuase I think th ecar thing is going to be aproblem. But if you pay off the mortgage, you could then afford to buy a cheap car, even if on finance?

DH did this. He hated his job and earned very little. We DID have a cleaner, which helped as he was great at day to day tidying up and cleaning, but terrible at the bigger things. To be fair, if I'd been a SAHM, I think I'd have been fairly bad at that too - albeit not as BAD as him! He did work on a very very ad hoc freelance basis occassinoally - but only about 10 hours a month. But it was helpful and that small financial contribution was nonetheless very helpful.

He then retrained and now works part time around the kids school/activities (mostly), in a completely different job. And the act of retraining was helpful too - it gave him a focus and a structure in the years when the kids were first at school which I think was very very helpful for him.

It will be important to agree between you what you think he needs to be doing and taking responsibility for. And also understanding the flex required - when the DC were small, during school holidays, quite frankly, I had to step up more as there was a lot less time/energy for all the household tasks. Similarly, as our jobs have changed, we've had to flex up and down respectively to manage that.

This will lead to resentment. Nobody’s pension can afford to take a hit in this day and age. Sounds like he’ll still expect you to do housework if he will be gaming all day. Tbh I think this will be bad for his MH. SAHMs tend to have developed local friendships which keep them sane. He won’t have this. Like everyone else he needs to suck it up or find a job he likes. Common sense approach

I was with you until you said he was a gamer. Good friend of mine did similar, and her gamer husband ended up turning into a teenager. Staying up until 2/3am gaming and not pulling his weight round the house. His mental health took a dive and the toll on her as sole breadwinner AND only effectively active parent. It took 3+ years to get him out of the habit and into a routine where he was reasonably contributing to the household (responsibility and tasks, not money).

He could have some part time job and also you can give this a trial run for let say half a year and then re-evaluate, seeing whether it works for you as a family.

I would be very hesitant to agree. I'm all for equality and it can work that way round but whether its biology, socialisation or both, men often aren't suited to the role. I know quite a few couples where the man took on the SAHD role, usually because the mum earned a lot more and it seemed to make sense and I cant think of any of those examples where it worked out well long term.

The men liked the idea of not working but disliked or resented (or ignored) the idea of covering the majority of drudge work. For example my former boss had a year off for ML. When she went back her husband was keen to have a year off himself and was all excited about leaving his job. She agreed happily as it meant their little boy could delay starting nursery for another year. But within weeks the dad insisted he went to nursery anyway as it was "too much". In two other cases the dad's didn't cook as they "didn't know how" or it was too much after running the kids around all day, so mum had to do it when she got home.

In most cases they swapped back over within a year but in two cases the dads had affairs, citing they felt ignored and unappreciated (albeit that might have happened anyway).

I think motivation is key. Most SAHM are in that role because they feel it's best for their children and they want to fulfil that themselves. When dads are in that role it's more likely motivated by wanting time off work or by finances. Beware.

Better I think for him to look for a different job, perhaps part time/flexible.

If he doesn't pull his weight you WILL feel resentful!

My DH works two nights a week, so all housework and most childcare falls to him. It's his job to make sure the kids have what they need for school and his job to keep on top of the house and washing. (I cook because he's terrible and I don't want to eat anything he throws together! :D)

When he first started doing this, his cleaning was dire. But after lots of feedback (and many arguments) its ok now and he doesn't take offence if I point out something that hasn't been done quite right.

It's give and take though, I also don't mind if he says he's doing a less thorough clean that week so he can have an afternoon of gaming because he does all the mornings and night waking's (when he's not working) with the smallest DD.

That said, my wage covers all the basics (inc. two cars and a holiday), without that I think I'd feel quite resentful of working my bum off and not being able to afford "nice" things.

👏👏👏

Does he want to give up work, or just that job?

Getting another job would seem sensible, but it’s often not straightforward. The job market is difficult and people rarely walk into new jobs.

If he were to give up his job, it should only be after you’ve thoroughly discussed the logistics, expectations and time scale. He will have to accept the major responsibility for maintaining the house and meeting the children’s needs. Some downtime during the day, but absolutely no gaming all day, until you come home.

Hand on heart will he be able to cope with all stuff without you to be heavily involved?
Also coping in primary might go either way in secondary ( sorry for the pessimism) so I would work while it’s possible as kids being at school.
So part time with clear expectations set rather than off work completely,

Bonkers idea, why would you put yourself in financial hardship when your children are at school all day 9-3? If you need to be off in holidays take unpaid parental leave and split it 50/50, stagger your start and finish times so one starts work really early to do pickup and the other starts late to do dropoffs. There are much better solutions to this than to have an adult sat at home all day not earning twiddling their thumbs as the kids are at school anyway. If you take years out you are likely to drop down the career ladder, assuming you can manage to find a job again after years out. Also the impact on your pension down the road wouldn't be great.

There's also the mental health impact on your husband too, my dad was a SAHD for a few years after being made redundant, it sort of happened by accident my mum earned more and the job my dad did didn't work with small children, it had a massive negative impact on his mental health, he really wasn't right, his confidence suffered and when he did try to return to the workforce it was near impossible to get back in after the break. Then there is the resentment if 1 person is working ft and the other person has an easy life just mooching and doing childcare, my dad didn't do any housework so my mum was working ft and still cleaning the house, it was quite a bleak time thinking about it. My parents are still together and happy (50 years married) but it was the rockiest period they have ever been through. My dad returned to work when my youngest sibling started school, my parents worked opposite shifts to get around childcare.

I wouldn't do it.

Because most women don’t sit around gaming all day when they are stay at home parents - but this man might. So it’s not really the same thing at all.

I do think a compromise is the way to go. My SonIL only works part time but picks up all the school runs and shopping and cooking - I think my DD (who works full time) has finally forgotten how to cook! It works for them.

SAHM in a lot of respects is a full time job, childcare, running around, cooking, shopping, cleaning, organising. If there is even a hint of him being a bit pants at those things and into gaming it does sound like a bit of a risk for resentment to build up. The idea of him being home with the children and taking on all the work to relieve stress that is a nice idea but he does actually need to do that.

He needs to pay his NI stamp too if off work for his state pension and contribute somehow to his normal pension if he has one. Part time job would help with this, esp if he's lucky to get a part time job in the field he likes to work in, so he can keep his hand in for when he goes back full time.

Why can’t he just find another job that he does like . Many people hate their job but have to slog on . It doesn’t sound like him being a SAhM would be very successful and you’d end up resenting him . It’d be harder to get a new job years later even if he wanted to .

I don’t think it’s that black and white.

society teaches us housework and childcare is women’s work. Men don’t learn and aren’t expected to “help” at home.

women are judged by their home and kids.

generally, decent men who know they need to be cleaning baths and changing sheets, and be as involved in raising their kids as their wives, will make equally good sahd as their wives.

if you’re married to a selfish twat who would rather game than do housework or be involved with their kids, then if they are giving up work they will carry on with that behaviour.

if I were married to a man who would sit at home gaming all day and leave the housework for me, then that is not a man I would stay married to.

Women don’t have to put up with men who don’t pitch in.

My DH did this. There were some advantages - not having to worry about pick ups etc. and life was certainly calmer, but prepare yourself that if he does this he may well never work again. I think the psychological impact of my DH not working was very negative - he lost loads of confidence and I think went into "retirement mode" very early. I would suggest he gets a part time job, particularly if he is likely to spend most of his free time gaming.

This.