Should I let husband give up work

Women give up work to look after children all the time - what would it be about different for a man?

Both DH and me have done this over the course of our long marriage. I was made redundant at a time when our youngest child was struggling at school (ADHD) , we were getting frequent calls and it was very stressful trying to manage 2 full time jobs as well, I took 2 years out I’d always worked before and have always worked since so it really was just 2 yrs out. DH was made redundant just before Covid hit, it was pretty impossible for him to find another job for 18 months, he then took a minimum wage job for 6 months before getting a professional job back where he has worked ever since. Our kids were adults by this stage so no childcare duties to do and not loads of housework since there was just us two. What he did do with his time was a very big DIY job landscaping our garden and other big projects that would have cost us more than his lost wages for a firm to do so, that 18 months my DH was off paid for themselves really.

It absolutely IS because he's a man. But not in a generic "men should work" way. it's a "It should be fine because of course one person staying home to shoulder the domestic burden can be hugely beneficial but in reality, we all know that too often when it's the man, he doesn't actually shoulder the domestic burden and the woman is therefore still doing the vast bulk of anything that's not specifically about children needing to be at a certain place at a certain time."

And while it would be great to get to the point that this does'nt need to be a consideration, the truth is that right now it's just a fact that men do not step up to do the domestic chores and responsibilities to a sufficient level, whether they're SAHP or working parents.

I’m sure you can imagine the outrage because that is an imaginary situation and not rooted in fact. No grown adult should be sitting around watching Netflix all day when they have family responsibilities, and I don’t know of a single SAHM that does that. I do know many, many men who spend every spare second they have gaming though. And by “spare” I mean any moment they can shirk domestic/childcare responsibilities so they can game.

I hate this pretence that posters like you make: you know what the difference is - don’t play dumb.

I would suggests he leaves the job he hates and find something part time especially until your mortgage is paid off.

They don't usually do it to do gaming and a poor job of cleaning though

You could both look at reducing to PT or doing compressed hours so you each have at least 1 day off work a week, on different days OR you both work school hours only. There’s also the option of parental leave which could be used by both of you during school holidays.
https://www.gov.uk/parental-leave/entitlement

It sounds like a no-brainer to me tbh, I'm wondering if its the fact that he's a man that is causing you (and a lot of posters tbf) to think twice. If the roles were reversed my response would be the same, I'm not sure about everyone else. I can imagine the outrage if a man said he wasn't prepared to support his SAHM while she sits around watching Netflix. Perhaps not a long term solution but for a year or two initially, considering that you will be okay financially (making a few sacrifices but that's not unusual) and your children with SEN. He needs to do the household stuff, school run, cooking cleaning - cleaning isn't hard, it doesn't have to be perfect - but taking everything into consideration I think it sounds like a good idea.

he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day

Red flag. Absolutely not. You’ll end up coming back from work to a filthy house, kids fed crap beige food and plonked on an iPad and him on level gazillion on call of duty or whatever.

He needs her permission because presumably he will want to eat and be housed, have clothing when he needs it, transport, some leisure activities, and these don't sit at the bottom of the garden waiting to be picked for free. If you don't want to work, you need the permission of the person who'll be picking up your bills. This is exactly the same as when a woman doesn't want to work. If her husband doesn't allow her not to, then that tough.

Awful idea sorry.

Once men of a certain age leave the workplace, they will find it incredibly difficult to get back into ANY job, not just the job they were doing before. Many lose skills, become less open to change and antisocial, don’t like going back at a lower level than they think they deserve and to be honest some just like not working so much that they never have an incentive to go back.

Although your kids are managing in mainstream at the moment it is very common for children with SEN to need to go private for some of their secondary education, or need alternative schooling. You need to be thinking about whether you’ve got savings that would cover that, or if not keeping an income which would mean that this is an option.

I would be encouraging my partner to think about a long-term sustainable career. If this meant a short period of retraining, I’d be fine with that but I would not be fine with them just withdrawing from the job market and promising to help at home. I would also not be on board with him becoming self employed.

There are so many people on the relationship board whose partners have said that they would give up work and look after the house and the kids who ended up doing it so badly (crap house, being horrible to kids and resenting the wife) that it actually then still falls on the woman’s head anyway- so she ends up doing all the family/ house stuff as well as being the wage earner.

He can give up his paid job but he still needs to clean, cook, do errands, shopping, take the mental load, pretty much fulltime, to enable you to keep financially supporting the family. SAH parents don't get to sit on their bums playing games all day waiting for school pick-up ffs. If that's his notion, you'd be nuts to agree to this.

It's a bad idea in today's market if you are not working in a profession where you could easily find new work.
He needs a pension. You don't talk about other assets other than the house so in the event that you split up where would half of that asset leave you.

2026 - the year he finds a new job that he likes. Make it about supporting that. If the opportunity is there to do a 4 day week then brilliant.

So why do women put up with these useless men?

they can do all of these things, they choose not to.

dh cared for both his parents in their old age. His sister was worse than useless.

men can do it. So why do so many women seem to just accept that they don’t or won’t?

Can you both try part time instead of one parent carrying the full burden? Saves the resentment and also gives you both a break. Could he keep his company car if he went part time?

In my opinion, SAHPs need a lot of self motivation and initiative. Someone who would spend their days sitting on the sofa if they don't have a 'manager' supervising them, is not SAHD material.

Jesus. no.
Kids just get more and more expensive as they grow up. And he doesn't sound very well suited to the job of stay at home Dad

And what if you lost your job? It puts too much pressure on you. It would jeopardise your comfortable retirement. It would reduce your standard of living.

I would just tell him he needs to look for another job if he doesn't like the one he has.

Terrible idea - the effect on his pension, you know he'll spend all day gaming and won't clean, and you'd struggle to find other work if you got made redundant. Any one of those would be a no if I was in your shoes.
So he hates his job - big woop, we've all been there at some point. He finds another.

Because all too often they don’t pick up the strain of housework, childcare, caring for elderly relatives, adjusting to manage on a shoestring budget.

I feel the same if it were a woman.

Id be concerned about the lack of pension and that this could delay retirement or make things difficult in retirement.

My suggestion is - if he is eligible for Carer's Allowance (do either of the kids get DLA at mid-rate or above?) he could be the registered carer and get his NI credits and £80ish a week. Then on top of that he could try to find a small part-time job , even a few hours a week, during school hours. Self worth, a bit of interest, and the extra money would be handy. It could work very well for the family. He should try to take on the burden of admin/ appointments/ food and cooking though.

When I gave up my job it was on the basis I do the school run, cook dinners and do all the household chores. My husband maintained the gardens, cars, diy and emptying the bin. It worked well for us. But I would sit down and talk with him regarding his expectations. If he just does the school run then sits down all day the you’re going to become resentful. A better option would be for him to work part time around the kids. Perhaps try a garden centre, TA at the kids school etc.

@Mummyof22018 "So I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day"

If this means that you will come home having been to work - and he hasn't done the housework, then it would be a hard 'no'.

Better idea would be for him to find a new job that he likes....

We are doing this temporarily (between 6 months to a year) when we move back to our home country later this year. This will give DH time to renew his working accreditations, and also avoid having 2 DC in daycare, which we can't afford.

I've made it VERY clear that he will be primarily responsible for things related to the house. Laundry, cleaning, dinners, school lunches, school runs, uniforms etc. There will be a 4 year old and 2 year old at home, so I also understand how time consuming that will be. However, I expect him to take care of most aspects of the house, just as I did when I stayed home with the babies when they were newborn and 1.5 years old.

At the moment, house-related things are shared equally (we both work full time), and he is proactive and does his fair share. I'm not worried about him being lazy, or having to come home from a long commute at 6pm with nothing in the fridge and nothing planned for dinner. If there was even a hint that he'd be 'playing his games' for most of the day, no way would I ever accept this arrangement.

So, OP, I would only do this if your DH has proven that he is proactive and contributes to the household. Otherwise, you'll find yourself with a full-time job, and taking care of the house full-time, and your marriage won't survive the resentment.