Should I let husband give up work

One of my colleagues let her husband quit his disliked job to be a house husband for a few year while their children were small. The "children" are now at university and at last hearing he's still at home. He was hopeless at cooking so she did most of that when he got home and his parenting tended to regular hissy fits with the children. He was in IT and I imagine his skills are now totally outdated and there is a yawning chasm in his cv. She has totally supported them finacially in a quite stressful job and really, a Labrador would have added more to the family than he did and been cheaper to feed and at least it was bred to be a working dog. Don't make her mistake.

It is. If one partner wishes the other to be the sole financial provider for the family, the person doing the earning has to agree. There's no indication of any other income source here, and he might not even qualify for Carers Allowance either.

This point gets made often on here to women who've been a SAHP and whose partners want them to go back. It's not going to happen without the permission of the person who you want to pay the bills.

Equally, OP could not unilaterally decree that DH was going to be a SAHP. But if he's already on board, it actually is up to her to decide whether it happens or not.

I wouldn’t put yourself in a difficult position financially, I think you will regret it.

Because as she said he will play games all day so not only is she working full time but still has to do all the cleaning etc while he sits on his arse. If he was going to pick up all house duties id say fair enough!

Wow. I'm not dumb, or playing dumb. I said quite clearly, if they go ahead with this, her husband needs to pick up the slack at home. Is he capable of doing so? Of course he is, whether he will want to or not is another matter. You are right to say that no grown adult should be sitting around the house when there is housework to be done. Where we (possibly) disagree is that I don't believe that it is a foregone conclusion that a SAHD will do very little, do the bare minimum or that the working wife will have to do everything. In OPs case, she mentions he doesn't clean well - he can improve. She hasn't said that he does nothing around the house or games all day, she just says she imagines that might be the case. You said that you know many lazy incapable men, I don't. I know some of course, some who take the piss, weaponise their incompetence and have partners who accept it and martyr themselves in the process. But I also know plenty of men who do not, or who tried it once and got short thrift and never tried it again - for example my dad, brother, BIL, best friends husband, DS best friends dad, my neighbour, DS coach etc. All have been SAHD at some point for different reasons and all did what they needed to. Even my ex, who has turned out to be a deadbeat since we split up, it really pains me to admit it, that when I worked and he stayed at home with our son he did everything, didn't need prompting or handholding, he just got on with it. I don't think these men are the exception, its just that nobody posts about them. A bit like MILs - nobody starts a thread about the good ones.

Because she’ll be the one agreeing to take over all financial responsibility for the family.

I think this is a terrible idea. This is not a good time for someone to just stop working and depend on one income. You're also losing a very convenient transportation option and losing pension contributions is going to hit you later when you will need that.

If you get sick, need surgery, or lose your job, you're fucked.

And this is telling

I worry I may become resentful as kids are at school full time and he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.

He'll be gaming and leave you with everything he possibly can. I wouldn't support a man to sit home and game.

He's also likely to get used to not working and not want to work if necessary. He'll lose job skills and fall behind and be less hireable.

Also, if your marriage ended you'd likely end up paying him child support.

You say his stress affects everyone in the house currently. That sounds like he needs to learn stress management techniques, not quit his job.

A pound to a penny, he gives up work and does not pull his weight on the home front. You'll be coming home from work to find the dishes piled high and nothing done and listening to him complaining about how hard and boring it all is.

Have a halfway house, he goes part time and demonstrates his willingness to do his share at home and see how that goes.

I think you need a frank conversation about how if he leaves work, the house and the kids will be his job and you won't be expecting to come home to clean the house and make the dinner. Being a SAHD is still work and if he isn't planning to do it it's not an option.

We are in a similar position as my DH was made redundant last year. He has savings, we have fairly low outgoings and I work full time. He is setting up a business so that takes up some of his time, and keeps up his professional skills, but he's definitely doing a lot more in terms of school runs, holidays etc.

Obviously the financial uncertainty is tricky, but I'm terms of quality of life it is so much better for us. My DH doesn't do much cleaning, but does food shopping, most cooking, plus DIY jobs so that feels ok. I feel so much less stressed not having to rush home from work for school runs etc, and my child is doing less wraparound care which he seems happier with. If his business could take off enough for us to continue this way I think it would be great for our family.

I know you also say about spending time gaming. My DH does spend time on hobbies, and is doing that more than he's been able to do for years. But most SAHMs with school age children I know go to the gym, coffees etc so I don't think it's that different. I do my hobby outside of school hours and he supports that, so it's not an issue.

Why can't he look for term time role or part time work?

As long as he wouldn't be leaving me to come home to everything I'd do this in a heartbeat, though it sounds like you think you might be in that position. We both work FT with a 2 & 4 year old. I've never been so stressed with trying to juggle everything, and now one is in school and the other nursery we've got a couple of years of drop offs in different places. There aren't enough hours in the day, and though my manager is good I hate asking for things all the time. Currently DS2 is in a cast after an operation and nursery won't have him 🙃. Unfortunately we're in nowhere near the same position with the mortgage.

If he was an equal, engaged, competent partner who pulled his weight in every aspect - I'd consider it.

A bloke you suspect will spend most of his time gaming - fuck that!

Well is he on the ball with kids routines and says he wishes he could be there more?
Dies pick ups drop 9ffs etc? Plans and cooks meals?
If you go away for a week is he on top of everything?
Is he likely to be more stressed and just play games all day? Or would he step up as sahp?

will you end up his manager at domestic level?

Can you get another car?

The answer is that he needs to find another job he can tolerate or a part time one/condensed hours.
Statistics show that when a man is the SAHP he will do even less in the home and actually you as the female bread winner will end up doing more.

I think part time would be a good compromise. Dp did this when our dc were younger.

How old is your husband? My worry would be that he may find it hard to reenter the employment market.

How long has he been in this role? Can he apply for a step down elsewhere and then put in a flexible working request?

The old adage that it's easier to get a job from a job is still true. As many a SAHM will report, it can dent your confidence in applying as your skills date.

I've known people do this successfully but they are all quite driven and it's very much planned time out. If that isn't your DH then tread carefully.

I do think he should be looking for alternatives to a job he hates though.

I think sitting down to discuss the option would be a good idea. The Pros / Cons as well as what his role would be. My DH and I did this when our youngest started reception and our eldest was still in primary as we were both working FT and were exhausted. We put a time limit on it - enough to make a difference to my career and our family life but not so that he would be out of the jobs market too long, get complacent or mean living on one salary long term. We did it for 3 years, allowed me to get a major promotion, settled kids in and now he is back full time. I made sure he started job hunting a few months before the 3 years were up. It did mean we gave up certain things eg holidays but the kids loved having him around, they were able to do after school activities outside of school and we ate better / exercised more. He did have ‘me time’ so played sports twice a week. Good luck!

Yes, and looking after kids (and OP says hers have additional needs) and doing most of the house work/ the life admin is not nothing.
Obviously some SAH parents do more than others, but what would it cost to pay someone to do the amount of childcare/cleaning/executive assistant jobs that they do? I'm sure I'm not the only parent who admits my job is usually easier than parenting (much as I do love it, honestly!)

he isn't the best cleaner so I imagine there would be a lot of him playing his game all day.

In that case, no,

It sounds like a bad idea but I am amazed that you have two ASD children and you're using after school clubs etc. Most ASD kids barely manage a day at school. So I think you ought to be mindful of the fact that things won't always run as smoothly as they are currently.

Oh really? He just gets to decide to give up work and have OP fund him, does he? Don't be ridiculous.

OP, i don't understand, he d9esnt like his job and your solution is he gives up work for a few years? Why can't he just get another job?

On every thread I’ve seen on this people have asked whether the woman’s partner is on board, what their finances look like, how they would manage if the partner was ill or sacked and whether they can afford uni/ pensions etc. it’s not a given that women can give up work at the drop of a hat. Plus most people also advise getting back into work asap once the kids are at school unless this is impossible (like a full time carer).

Plus in the vast majority of cases women tend to do an excellent job with the kids, house etc and not the bare minimum before they can get back to the X box which is what we’re all worried about here.

because in this particular case, OP has already said he would be spending his time gaming. Doesn't sound like he would take over all the tasks SAHMs generally do.

Why do all decisions have to be set in stone? Give it a go but with the caveat if it doesn’t work you’ll need to look at other options