DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

This is the solution. No way should you pay for it.

He’s in charge, isn’t he?

You’re tiptoeing about the issue.

Is this a two week family hols with your own family unit or just a mini break. Is that what you mean by mini holiday? A mini break is less of a transgression.. but a two week holiday its a major committment and should not be going ahead unless you were both in (real) agreement.

I'm so sorry to say this OP but you need a complete rethink

It's very clear that you DO mind them coming... but instead of saying that and making your feelings clear you are talking about just sucking it up and going along with this. I think that you have been used to helping and facilitating others but it is OK to put your own feelings and priorities First. Its not rude or uncaring and you have to be firm about calmly and confidently asserting your right to do so, or you will be walked all over. I've been in your position and it was very difficult. I would never let it happen to me again without joint agreement.

You compromised by suggesting a solo family holiday later on, (reasonable) d and he fobs you off with "it might not be possible (feebe that he can't even give a flat no, but has to wrap it up in a maybe - whilst the inlaws on hols still remains on the table)

In your position, I would be reading him the riot act for not consulting others. Unless he had a really good reason for doing so.

Then I read that YOU are
" the one organizing the holiday, I am the one paying for it. I value our family time a lot, because we rarely get any. " and that he can't pay for it has he has too many debts.

Which I feel makes his actions even more of a cheek.

First I would TELL him, not suggest... that he cannot just invite people on the holiday you organise and pay for without consulting you.

You are absolutely correct that family time is precious and the only times. Family holiday times, away from the normal run of things are also precious.

If he has debts and you have to fund the family holidays (as well as organise them) he doesn't get to go around inviting other people. His debts puts the burden of family finances more firmly on you. You are within your rights to say "We can only afford to take ourselves." but also. I only want to take ourselves.

Yes you can uninvite them because it was an ill considered invite in the first place. If you are organising it.. you can say that you've looked into it and you cannot find or afford bigger accommodation.

If he won't say it to them without fudging it or blaming you, you can tell them yourself on your own terms.

It is not being mean to them, it is not unreasonable for you to want rare time away as just your own family unit.

If he did this because he wants to spend more time with them, you don't have to go away with them for two weeks to achieve that, invite them over for a short visit instead or go to theirs for a short visit and take them out to dinner.

If no one wants to meet you halfway, you also have the nuclear option of just not organising it at all

In all honestly, I would just book the holiday as was agreed with your DH - you and your children.
if his parents bring it up, say “oh, it hadn’t been discussed with me that you were coming. Maybe next time?”
and leave DH to sort the mess out.

1 person cannot just invite others on a group holiday (regardless of the group involved) without consulting the others, let alone the person who is paying!

maybe suggest your PiLs could take DH and the kids away at a different time?

He's selfish and stupid.
At the very least he should have ASKED you, and discussed it with you first!

Holidays with in-laws is most people's idea of hell and a waste of a good holiday, but adding anyone to a normal family holiday requires a discussion.

Oh I get it! Husbands side always did big holidays - in laws and the kids plus one or more of the aunts and uncles families plus kids. My jdea of hell. I did once say to dh in earshot of his mother that I went on holiday tomget away from people (including my family) not take them with us! I love them dearly but MIL faffs round all the time!!

With all your updates sounds like you are NOT being unreasonable at all.

I would tell DP to uninvite his parents asap. You pay for it all, they don’t help at all and he thinks it is ok to invite them without checking?

mad

why on earth would he think this is ok?

Just book different accommodations, like separate hotel rooms (far away from each other), I have invited my mother on a cruise/trip abroad this summer to join me and my partner.

I have specified that while we will spend a fair amount of time together, there will be days/time where we might not meet up until a certain time or might want to have a chill morning/day so she’s welcome to join with the expectation that she’s fully capable of self-entertaining if need be.

I would do the same with your PIL, make sure you have different sleeping quarters and just specify that there will be one night that will be a date night with your husband (they are welcome to baby sit if they want company or you are happy to keep the kids) and that you will forward them the activities/things you are thinking of doing each day and that they are either welcome to join or do their own things and you can meet up at breakfast/lunch and/or dinner if they would rather relax.

I organise a lot of family trips and that’s what I do, it’s stressful enough to organise a trip so I don’t want to be the entertainer, I make an itinerary that work for me and everyone is welcome to join or make an alternative plan to their liking. So far so good.

You don’t have to change your plans just because they join. Tell them what the plan is (including when your personal time will be) and have them adjust to the plan in a way that work for them.

previous generations in my family didn’t have holiday , it was day trips to the seaside on the train. They didn’t live near each other either so day to day life wasn’t spent with extended family.

That’s the idea, that it’ll put them off coming along..

That’s the idea, that it’ll put them off coming along..

Silly husband = Sh

Sh needs to sort this out and explain to his parents that they won’t be coming

he took it upon himself to make a decision before consulting everyone else travelling, logistics etc and has now found out the invitation is unfortunately not viable

he needs to deal with it

I didn't say it was a bad thing tipsyraven, in fact I said it was important. My point was that it shouldn't be prioritised over time as a family. Children need to feel the bond of a family unit as well as time with extended family.

I disagree. It used to be that generations of families spent far more time together than they do today. When I was growing up it was normal to have grandparents, aunts and uncles involved in day to day life, holidays and other activities. I spent nearly all of my school holidays with one grandparent or another, sometimes with aunts and uncles and have fond memories and close relationships with them as a consequence, along with my cousins. Modern life has fractured a lot of that, financial pressures, people moving away from the area they were brought up in, parents both working long hours and other pressures make it more difficult. I don’t see it as a bad thing to have a holiday with your wider family and for children to benefit from those relationships.

I have noticed there are more and more partners putting their birth families first in today's society. It is bloody hard raising kids, I would say tougher than it was for the previous generation. Family bonding time is essential and should be protected, yet so many of my friends find themselves in this situation where they have obligations to birth families that override that. Yes, it is important to spend time with extended family, but time exclusively for yourselves should be protected and a partner that doesn't see this, will never see this and the stresses will continue.

Think of it as your children bonding with their grandparents, which is beneficial for all generations. It’s lovely your DP wants to spend time with his parents and you are fine with it. Any chance you could financially squeeze in a weekend away with the kids later in the year so you get your bonding time with them?

Obviously, DH needs to know he can’t invite people on a family holiday in future without discussing with you first.

So does that mean they have been invited to come to your destination at the same time as you? Not actually holidaying WITH you as such?

I don't think I could get too worked up about it if it was separate accommodation, but if he invited them to stay within your accommodation without asking when he's not even paying or organising the holiday I'd be well pissed off!

Is really bonding the same as bonding?

Come on OP, just be honest you don't want them there! Just be honest - I don't blame you

Yes if ours came with us when ours were little they expected to be waited on hand and foot and took the huff if we were doing something purely for the kids.

They loved the idea of seeing the kids and would try and cuddle and chat to them in short bursts. But the kids got bored and they got tired quickly. They also liked to lie in bed and expected us to keep the kids quiet while they did so and wait to start the day they also expected us to and the kids to wait and eat late stay up until after midnight with them.

Oh it’s much more fun going on holiday with extended family. I’m a single mum though only went away with ex and dc a couple of times. So usually go with extended family since being a single parent.

No she did say not paying for in-laws

Are they going to expect you to pay?

I think it is very manipulative of your DH, he obviously doesn't have the money to pay for them (or any holidays for that matter) and knows you would say no if asked so he has found a way around it.. yuck.