DH invited PILs on our annual holiday

Oh I felt that. I hate it when people ask you why you have a personality flaw like you don’t already hate yourself for it. Probably because my childhood was horrific and ……… (3 years later) lol. It’s not the end of the world OP, there’s worse things to be than passive but you can get stronger if you want to.

Seriously! She needs to have hard words, this is not the 1940s and little women should remember that men make the decisions.

Its said that he who pays the piper calls the tune. In this case it is you who pay and organize the trip. I would go ahead and just book for immediate family. Then tell DH that you cannot afford to subsidise his relations and he will have to organise and pay for a later holiday with them. I would also message the in laws and tell them exactly where you stand - that you dont have the budget for them to come as well. But then I am hard like that.

should I just keep quiet and let them come with us? Or do we book and pretend they weren't ever invited?

Why are those your two options?

What about C: use your words tell your husband that if you can only afford one holiday this year, you aren't going to spend it with his parents because you want it to just be your family and as he isn't paying, it's your call.

Tell him he can save up and pay for a holiday next year with his parents if that's what he wants to spend his money on but YOUR money will be going on your household holiday.

Have you told him that if this is the only holiday this year, that's not what you want to spend it doing?

If not booked, just uninvite them

they may expect to come in the future

i really dont want to holiday with my in laws

DH does not want to holiday with my parents so we’re both agreed on that

I’d just drop the ball on this. If he wants it he facilitates and books it. I would be telling him how great it was that he is taking over the holiday organising. If he's getting the holiday he wants then he needs to make the effort. I’d be packing a bikini and a couple of Jilly Coopers and I’d be off to the beach every day. If food needs to be ordered and cooked then he does it. You are paying for a holiday. It is not your job to host it as well.

Agree, but he should have consulted you, yes. And feel free to suggest your family/friends come another time, but stress that you are asking him.
Maybe he is hoping for some 1:1 time with you, or has a surprise planned? I would just go along with it this time though, as it could spoil it for everyone to change things now. OK, you'd be justified in saying it shouldn't have happened without your agreement, but take the babysitting and don't cut off your nose to spite your face (obviously only if PIL are decent).

We managed money separately and have different salaries. One person cannot make decisions like this on their own. You have frame two possible solutions, there are many more you could consider.

I think your OH should plan and pay for a mini break with your ILs. Maybe something shorter or in this country. Why does YOUR holiday need to be put on hold. They can plan for next year. Don't be passive.

Would two shorter holidays work?

You're the financial provider, your husband has debt that uses all his money, you're taking a family holiday that he decided to invite his parents on?

Why not just tell him you're not ok with holidaying with his parents? If he wants to go off with them, he goes by himself and they can pay but he's not using family funds for it. He can get a second job.

1 person cannot just invite others on a group holiday (regardless of the group involved) without consulting the others, let alone the person who is paying!

This. Tell your husband that and then book a holiday just for your household.

Tell him he can go and stay with his parents at weekends

So it sounds like if the in-laws come on your holiday it will all be focused on keeping THEM happy and doing what THEY want!! Tell your husband as he’s not even contributing to the holiday let alone anything else then he can tell his parents that unfortunately he got the wrong end of the stick and it’s a holiday for just him and his family not the wider family and that once he has paid his debts off he will treat everyone to a lovely holiday but it won’t be this year!!

I would not be happy about DH inviting PIL without asking me as it changes the whole dynamic of the holiday. You can’t invite others to join your holiday without discussing it with your partner first.

You can’t pretend they’ve not been invited. You can ask DH to uninvite them and he needs to do it quick before they book.

well i wouldn't be doing that, for a start.

If you're not against it in principle, i would have a discussion with DH and ILs and tell them exactly what you would expect from having them with you on holiday - in terms of not constantly telling the DCs to be quiet, and that there will be times when you and DH want to be alone etc.

You must say no. It's completely OK to want and need your holiday to be just you and your immediate family. That your ILs wouldn't offer any help or even just be easygoing with the kids routines makes this even more the case.

Whether it's easier to book your holiday without then and let them know as you said, or tell them it won't be possible for them to come, this is up to you. I personally would expect DH to tell them but you'll know what's best here.

I'd be very pissed off with my husband for hijacking a holiday I pay for, particularly if I was also the breadwinner and (I'm guessing) emotional labourer and resident grown up of the household.

Why isn’t he paying for half of it anyway?!?! He should be covering half as is usual in a marriage

This is what happens to us too

So, they will be ruining your holiday?

Just don't.

That's a tactic worth trying, make sure the holiday not at all to their liking and they won't want to come again 😊

You could have a proper conversation with them before you go any further.

tell them that you know DH has invited them, but you need to be 100% sure they are aware of what this holiday is going to be: early mornings, no late nights and kid centred activities. Tell them that it’s your family holiday and that this is going to be as much for the kids as for you and h to get a break.

tell them that you won’t be keeping the kids quiet on their family holidays, that there will be kids activities and perhaps it would be best if they booked separate accommodation so that they can have a more relaxed schedule, and that it would remove a lot of the stress and pressure from you worrying about them. Tell them too that there is no obligation for them to come, so if this holiday doesn’t sound like one they’d want to spend money on, that’s absolutely ok and you can all find another way of getting the wider family together

I would tell him to book (and pay for) a holiday just him and his parents if he 'wants to spend time with them'. Then you can go away as a family as you wanted.

I think this is a polite way of saying lots of men seem to be welded to their parents, more so than you'd expect for an adult.

@Whatinthedoopla your DH needs to tell his parents that he misspoke because he’s now realised he’d have to go into (more) debt to afford to take them on holiday - sorry mum and dad.

You should just go ahead and book your holiday as planned just the 2 of you plus kids.

And I also think you need to have a discussion about your DH spending your money because he has debts to service. I’m normally a fan of married couples sharing earnings but his selfish spending needs to be reined in - you are not responsible for paying for an additional holiday so his parents can join you on this one - and frankly you clearly can’t afford it.

OP, you are the one organising and paying for it and yet you are letting him dictate to you?
You have all the power here, what's the matter with you?!
I think I would just not bother to organise or pay for it and then it won't happen and they won't be able to come along and ruin it.

He’s in charge whilst op pays for everything.

Where is the partnership? Where is the teamwork?

You are clear you like your in laws and aren’t opposed to going away with them so why didn’t your H discuss it with you? Did he ask you what the holiday budget was? Did he ask if you could pay for them? Did you both sit down together and look at whether 2 shorter holidays - one just your core family and another with your in laws - was doable? Does your h often allocate your money without talking to you first?

If they’re definitely going on your holiday I think you need to organise your mini-family days out in advance and make sure they dont r know!
what is the accommodation? Hotel, cottage etc? If it’s a hotel pre book some nights for dinner with your kids and him, it doesn’t t all need to be shared