Why I’m not visiting ILs

That makes sense. Sad that there’s no effort to visit you though seems like a good thing that ILs are not close by. I would go when DH visits & takes DD mainly to support how she feels about their behaviour - listen to her concerns, be honest but kind. I’d also encourage him to go alone. Family are tricky!!!

When the next visit comes up say "I'm not coming because we don't get on well so well with each other, and they won't mind if im not there. But they are yours and dad's family, they'd like to see you, and dad would like you to go with him"

Then you are going to have to accept that it is you that will prevent DD having a relationship with her GPs. You can’t have it both ways. My advice is to do everything you can to encourage her to have a relationship with her grandparents. Eventually she will decide for herself but you don’t want to be in the position in years to come of being blamed for the rift, by either ILs or DD.

I wouldn't want DD having much contact with them either if they are like this. I would have a solid excuse for the first few times to not go, like a close friend's special birthday or not feeling well. I would possibly have your DH go by himself sometimes and take DD sometimes, and then when she is 13/14 ish let her decide. If they want to make the effort with her going forward when she is grown up, there will have to be some give and take - if she goes to visit them, they might then come and take her out for lunch or something. Or meet at a halfway point. They are not entitled to a relationship with her if they do not deserve it, just because they are family. It doesn't sound like she is missing out on much.

My Dad's parents were like this with my Mum and she definitely had very limited contact with them when we had left home. My Dad pretty much went to visit them alone. It did not sit right with me and my sister that they were like this and it did eventually turn into them being dismissive of us too as we got older.

Mine don’t see their cousins or aunty unless it’s a large family gathering but honestly it hasn’t bothered them.

They don’t ask about them or want to invite them over or anything.

However if your daughters do enjoy it then get dh to try to build a better relationship with his sister/brother. To arrange meet ups even if that’s a cheap caravan holiday once or twice a year (separate vans) or camping if they would brave it. Memories of fun together without granny.

Invite nephews and nieces for a weekend sleep over once a year your treat type stuff.

There are work arounds.

Not on the app - once you’ve voted that’s it

In a similar situation I was busy.

however my children who are now older had noticed and did not like it. They did see ILs occasionally but now have effectively no relationship with them.

they see cousins etc at weddings and the like.

I’m NC with all my in laws. When the kids were little they didn’t understand/notice how I was treated and tbh, I used to lie so they didn’t notice.
now they are older the have sensed a lot more, been reduced to tears themselves, watched this batshittery almost destroy their parents andi won’t lie to them. Now they get the truth.
it’s not easy. DP has accepted that I’m NC. Is LC and NC himself with them. He’d like the kids to have some sort of relationship but navigating that is hard. How do you trust the ILs to treat your DD fairly when they cannot control their contempt for you?
dont underestimate how much your DD will notice.
above all, make sure you and your DH are singing from the same song sheet.
good luck.

I just go with being honest. No point lying about. My mil is very nosey and nit picky and annoying with her underhand comments.

I had to go answer the door the other day while mil was here (she just arrives and walks in). The second I left the girls came running mum while you was at the door nanny was doing this and that….. again….

The know without being told. They find her annoying they visit her though because like a Pp said they are children and dh takes them the oldest doesn’t go as they are close to being an adult.

I don’t understand why you’d want your DD to have a relationship with them when you & DH don’t like them.
Arrange to see the cousins separately.

You are massively overthinking this. You and DH need to agree a plan going forward and then you communicate what is happening in an age appropriate way to your dd. As pp said - just have other things to do when dh takes her. If she raises it you can just say something straightforward such as you don't feel like going. If she starts not wanting to go too you can make a decision about that at the time, it isn't connected to you not going. She is the child so if you want her to keep going then that is what will happen. She doesn't get to not go just because you are not going that's not how parenting works. If you must give her an explanation just say that they are her grandparents and it is important for her to have a relationship with them. They are not your grandparents.

I don't see my dad because he said some unforgivable things to me. DS (12) knows as he overheard DSis telling our dad to apologise. I have told him that it's just between me and his grandfather but he doesn't want to see someone who was so horrible to his mum.

Just a thought.

If she notices how rude they are to you and doesn’t like it, why are you forcing it? Grandparents shouldn’t be allowed to do whatever they want just because they’re grandparents.

I went LC after my SIL started being rude and walking out of rooms when family gatherings and I walked into a discussion with her and FIL slagging me off. I don’t need the drama. My girls still visit with DH but when I’m asked I’m just honest. DD is autistic though and just came out and asked ‘why don’t you like my mum’. That was met by discomfort which actually isn’t a bad thing. People need to own their actions I think.

You do you, let DH do him, and DD (at 10) should just be doing as she’s told to.

She’s 10 and old enough to know. Tell her that your in laws are rude to you and that’s why you’re no contact. You and DH shouldn’t force your dd to go if she doesn’t want to. Maybe there’s a reason she doesn’t want to.

I’m sorry but you’re both parents and she’s 10 years old . If you and her dad tell her she’s going to her GPs then she goes . It’s not until for debate. 15/16 is different. but a 10yr old doesn’t call the shots. At least they didn’t in my home.

@Cannedlaughter you can just select the other option, your vote isn’t fixed.

I managed it until dd was probably 11/12 - dh used to visit at weekends and I used to do my work. Dd accepted I was busy. Just tell her you're busy and if you get the jobs done while she is out you can do x later together.

What you want is impossible, though. You want to never see your PILs again without your ten year old noticing or asking questions about why not.