Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. Potty training a child with Downs is not the same as with a non disabled child - not in the same league. Four is very young to be attempting this and to try to rush it in time for a specific event like starting school is a recipe for disaster, and trauma for the child.

What’s needed here is a different approach to nappy changing. Standing rather than using a changing table, and involving the child more, instead of passively changing him as you would a baby. At four he’s more aware of what’s happening and needs to be given some role in the process, even if it’s just holding the clean nappy to start with.

I’m sorry, it must be very hard raising a disabled child. Perhaps counselling would help you both? 🌺

This. All day long.

OP has already stated that H has refused any support or counselling. I think a lot of commenters have missed that post

With respect, you’re minimising. As was @Moffett. When you have a disabled child very day can be like this, or present a different challenge. It can be full on, relentless and exhausting, and those with no direct experience of disability really need to stop comparing it to life with a non disabled child because it’s just not the same thing.

Downs Syndrome presents with many different issues, so there will be many challenges ahead and advising the OP to go straight for considering ‘options’ that will inevitably lead to her parenting alone is irresponsible in my view. I’m not condoning DH’s behaviour towards his child, but his expectation that his son will learn from it, a perhaps a non disabled child would, is evidence that he’s not equipped to deal with what’s ahead.

l’m with other posters here in that l think both OP and her DH should try to access professional help and support in understanding DS’s needs and therapy to help cope with personal issues and feelings of grief etc, connected with the situation.

Your DH comment, “I didn’t sign up for this” made me question if you were both told your son would have Down Syndrome when pregnant?

your husband is applying what he expects of a non-disabled child to a child with Down syndrome, and he’s angry. It sounds like he had no idea of the realities of caring for a person with DS, either because he didn’t research it or because, if he did, a lot of the info available is biased (eg about how much joy people with DS bring to people’s lives).

i think that whilst manageable now your husband also needs to consider how much more difficult it might get. He needs to contact a DS charity (not a religious funded one as they are biased) and ask for some help understanding the realities.

what was his own childhood like? My husband also reacts with similar anger. His mother likely has severe undiagnosed ADHD. She was angry and emotionally abusive. My husband often repeats those behaviours in times of stress (childhood trauma bonds).

As a mum to a child with learning disabilities and high care needs I really do feel your pain here. My DH has been much slower to accept our DC’s diagnoses, and has behaved similarly to your DH in certain times over the past. I think you’re right to draw the line firmly in the sand over his behaviour, even if his behaviour comes from a place of pain it is unacceptable for your family - he is creating additional emotional strain on you (which you really don’t need!)

i think parenting is a humbling lesson in life, it’s never how you imagine it to be, and when your child has SEN it is often even further from how you imagined it to be. Your husband has to learn to accept that the version of fatherhood he created in his head doesn’t exist, and never will. He doesn’t get to do all the nice things he thought he’d do. No parent ever does. But he does have a beautiful child that loves him and can bring untold joy into his life, if he lets him in.

When you decide to have children, you do it knowing that life is full of suffering and your child will suffer. Why did he make that decision if he can't cope with his child's suffering?

Agreed.

stop lying him down for changes, hes four not a baby. As a sen parent its easier for them to stand while changing. Secondly four is very young for a send child to toilet train.
Thirdly, your husband needs help or he needs to go. He is being extremely cruel, yes he’s angry he didnt get a healthy child with no SEN needs but you do not take your resentment out on the child.

Firstly, practical advice from a SEND parent: why are you still trying to use a baby changing table for a 4yo? Stop lying him down and learn to change him standing up - it’ll take away some of his anxiety about it. Give him the wipes and clean nappy to hold so he can “help” and feel like he’s having some agency over his toileting. Secondly, 4 with SEND is very young for toilet training and if he’s not ready then he’s not ready. Your DH pushing him is not going to help in the slightest, in fact it’s only going to make accidents more likely. I’m presuming you are under community paeds, and they should be able to refer you to the incontinence team for advice.

SEND parenting is really, really hard. I think everyone loses their temper sometimes and it’s not the parenting experience any of us would choose. Your DH sounds very depressed, to be honest, and should see his GP. In the short term, he needs to walk away. If he’s starts to lose his temper, he needs to walk away.

Have you tried any of the toileting programs for children with Down syndrome? I think they are held by the Down syndrome diagnosis network. It sounds like your child is doing well.
I’ve a much older child with Down syndrome that is still in nappies unfortunately. This has not been for a lack of trying. They have a lot of health issues, severe delay and I suspect autism too though making this a difficult task, but we will get there in time!
my husband struggled with our child for a few years. He struggled with the amount of time we spent in hospital (the first few years were extremely hard) and how much time we spent away from home/other children. Well they now have the best relationship! They have the exact same personality and are absolute besties that hate being apart.
do you have any help? Some time just the 2 of you might be helpful. I don’t have a lot of help but do find every now and again my husband and I need time to ourselves to have a date night and it’s amazing how this helps us recharge. Special needs parenting can be extremely hard, it sounds like you’re doing a great job and a bit of respite might be all you and your husband need to boost the mood.

I really couldn’t be with a man that was so unhelpful and cruel, the resentment would be too much.

He doesn't need to be 'very securely' potty trained by the summer at all.

Please stop saying that DH has normal reaction, etc. Why it's always the mother who needs to stay strong and stay WITH CHILD? As a mother with SEN child- I had the same situation and tried to solve everything and "help" for husband. I ended up suicide and thanks God my neighbour came back earlier from work that day.

Your husband is a GROWN UP MEN, not your second child.
Speak with him and be very straight.
It will get little bit easier when child will start school as you'll have some breathing space and more people involved. I had days when just 15 mins talk with teacher would push me through the day. Because they know what you are dealing with and they'll support you.
Big hug from me ❤️ Your feelings and your mental health must be priority.

I was kind of on the fence after your first post as whilst it wasn't fair you were being expected to pick up the pieces of your DH's inability to cope, and his behaviour was not good parenting, it can be HARD especially with SEN and no real guidance how to do things- we aren't all cut out to be able to remain calm and loving at all times and it can be very triggering and infuriating if you aren't that sort of person and up against these kind of difficulties.

However having read your update it seems like this was not just a rare case of DH getting especially stressed and crossing a line.Your DH is not taking responsibility for/owning or changing his behaviours, does not sound remorseful for them, and is consistently very blaming and shaming towards your son and generally viewing him with a real negative regard.

This will be incredibly damaging for your DS if he grows up with it continuously, so in your situation hard as it is i think i would honestly be putting an ultimatum in with the DH- change or leave.

I have a 6 year old who apparently has no identifiable needs and yet there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t have to change him due to an accident. Just yesterday evening we took him to the shower to wash him off, I’ve been doing this for 4 years now as we don’t use nappies, it’s not like using nappies massively helped the situation just contained it, he didn’t want them, but then still a method of clear up is required. I have no advice because his needs are still very different from your child’s but just know that some children struggle with this area and no amount of fighting or “training” helps, and believe me we’ve tried everything. School however are very supportive and really don’t make a big deal of it, he is not delayed in any other area, and even school don’t view this as a trait of having some big problem, everyone just gets on with it so you really shouldn’t feel concern about this aspect in the lead up to school.

Obviously it depends on whether OP could manage alone financially.
But if her DH isn't pulling his weight at home, and is being consistently emotionally abusive to their DS while refusing to change his behaviour, it might well be the 'least bad' decision, sadly.

Can’t believe people are advising OP to go it alone - yeah, just deal with the lack of sleep and wrestling with a growing child to clean and change him on your own - and you’ll struggle to keep a good job with extra demands from her DS,
yeah just live on the breadline too 🙄

WEBINAR*** not Weiner.

Too late to edit.

I agree. A major disruption like a divorce is a bad idea at the moment. It might come but getting through the beginning of school first would be more practical.

Do you get or can you get additional help? In Australia we have a scheme called NDIS which provides OT's and Psychs etc. Can you get this help where you live or something like it? Your son will require specialist OT and possible Physio to complete TT. For reference most OT will not recommend TT until 2.5 anyway. So for special needs he is not too far off. Most DS children can and do TT.

Is there a DS foundation near you? They will likely have some family support and perhaps respite support which I would HIGHLY recommend. Even a day or two here and there if you don't have helpful family near by.

Your husband is overwhelmed and so are you and your lives are very difficult. I'm sorry. My youngest has ASD level 1 and my eldest met the criteria for ASD but is now considered 'optimal outcome' so just some residual traits. My husband grieved having children who could be good at sports like he was. I was exhausted and so was he.

I did two parenting courses (of which I am now a qualified instructor as I am a families social worker) called Circle of Security and Triple P. There are some variation for special needs children. They were very helpful for me. I would recommend you both do them but perhaps start with ways to get some practical help asap.

Well, she can. Once he is school aged he is legally entitled to a full time education. No ifs no buts no coconuts.

Lots of us with disabled kids have to send our kids to school in nappies. Maybe don't spout rubbish when you don't know what you're actually talking about.

I am going to list below some of the things you said in your initial post about H.

• H has been pushing hard
• He is really embarrassed.
• He hates taking him out.
• H now pretty much refuses to take him anywhere on his own.
• H started snapping and then shouting. He told him to fucking stand still.
• The more H shouted.
• H shouted at me
• H is tired too but not in the same way.
• H said he didn't sign up for this.
• All evening he’s been off with ds.
• This isn't a one off.
• H snaps at ds a lot. He expects him to understand and comply
• ds takes the brunt of it.

You excuse H behaviour and say he has not been cruel, I’m sorry, but your H was indeed being very cruel.
The worrying thing is that this isn’t a one off! How often does this happen?

Your precious wee boy, because that’s what he is, precious!
He doesn’t understand the inconsistent and ambivalent care that your H is providing. One minute getting adequate care then the next being cursed, and rejected.

Although this is probably a daunting thought, you need to consider splitting up. Especially as H is not willing to engage in any counselling.
With the mindset your H has, life is not going to improve for anyone and you will be walking on egg shells for evermore. At least if H is not there then you will be more relaxed, possibly happier and your son will receive care that is loving and consistent.