Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

You're spot on about the likelihood of separation. It sounds as though @BaronRock's husband is withdrawing and internalising how he feels. He probably feels ashamed for wishing his child didn't have a disability (he's not going to talk though if he thinks all he's going to hear is how wrong he is to feel that way).

Society has been coached into believing that people with learning disabilities are capable of far more than they often are, which leaves parents/carers almost entirely unsupported. It also leaves adults with learning disabilities in awful 'care' in the community circumstances. No one wins.

My SIL has down syndrome, she is in her 50's now and still has soiling accidents. She's still a slow (it can take her an hour to eat a simple meal) and messy eater. She still digs her heels in when her routine is deviated from. She's also recently been diagnosed with early-onset alzheimer's. My MIL raised her as a single parent, her marriage ended because of the challenges (and that was in the bad old days of the 70's and 80's whereupon there was actually more support. Parents weren't routinely fobbed off with unrealistic expectations and the assurance that big smiles and endless cuddles will make any challenge barely noticeable). I feel heart sorry for my MIL with this fresh set of challenges, because she gets very little practical support and zero emotional support.

It's a huge undertaking, and yes @BaronRock and her husband would benefit from communicating (perhaps through therapy). The issue is that the support often isn't easily accessed, if its there at all.

I would be embarrassed posting something so ignorant, have you ever tried to toilet train a disabled child im guessing not
As for its better he leaves words fail me
Nobody signs up for being the parent to a disabled child.

You both need regular respite. Your H is just burned out. Kids will do that to you! Any family to babysit you can have a weekend the two of you? Or professional services that offer respite care? Be sure to book in regular breaks and things to look forward to and H will calm down and DS will get easier as he gets older even with his additional needs.

Absolutely this - OP's husband needs to find the things he feels he CAN do right now, and then do them really well. Having more positive experiences with his son will build a better relationship. That's obviously a temporary stage - he can't opt out of the less fun stuff.

As a side note: some people are just very, very hung up about dirty nappies past a certain age, and even about shit itself. My PIL are like that ... they were horrified (and let it be known) when my NT just-3 yo was still in nappies and berated us about it a lot. Turned out, MIL found it reminded her of a more impoverished time when older toddlers in nappies were a marker of poverty and neglect. (DS was neither!) DS2, our very autistic and learning disabled son, was in them until 7 (and at night until about 10??) and thankfully she learned to keep her disquiet inside. She wasn't having to change him, after all! But she did have what I felt was quite a disproportionate Thing about nappies and continence. It took many years, ERIC leaflets, etc, to educate her and she was never really 'ok' about it.

So I think perhaps OP's husband may have a bit of an issue about that. He can't help having that issue but he can control his response to it, and he can educate himself about different milestone ages when a child has a SEND.

And once again, school will not mind! This child will have an EHCP and schools are very geared up for changing nappies. (and I keep hearing that since Covid, lots of NT kids enter school not fully continent, for fairly complex reasons, so he won't be the only one.)

Your poor baby. Your husband is being abusive towards a young child with disabilities. I couldn't sit back and watch that happen. Has he shown any remorse?

I think we can all empathise with how it might feel embarrassing, but this feeling should be worked on and through by the child's father. It's part of accepting the child he has.

There are NT children at 4 who aren't toilet trained or who have accidents. I personally wouldn't think anything of a friend's child needing more time for whatever reason.

Too late to edit but wanted to add that the poster being replied to wasn’t suggesting that they were embarrassed that their child was still in nappies at an older age, but that they didn’t want their child to be singled out because of it. The child themselves is not the source of embarrassment, but the reactions of others, who like @NaiceBalonz, have no understanding of disability, or desire to learn.

It's best for everyone if he leaves, imo. He didn't sign up for it and he's not capable of being the dad the child needs.

How is it best for everyone ? The OP is left to cope alone, the child grows up without a father, and a clearly grieving and struggling father is denied the support he needs to become the parent he needs to be. Particularly ridiculous suggestion when that help is out there. All he needs is support and encouragement to access it. Throw in the towel seems to be the default here.

Oh look! It’s only 9am and we already have the internet’s most ignorant comment of the day! 🎉🎉

Lots of well-meaning but SEND inexperienced parents here.

There's a MN obsession with toilet training before school. That doesn't apply here. He will get there when he gets there. My profoundly autistic brother was potty trained at 7, and some of his peers were later still or not at all.

Two things are true:

• This child's dad needs to abruptly stop behaving this way, it is abuse and can't happen again. He needs to hear this.

• This father is clearly struggling and needs help

I'd suggest getting husband to the GP, consider if antidepressants might help short term and urgent counselling for longer term help (charity counselling may be faster if NHS available). There should be an assumption that he will return to doing his fair share of parenting his child.

In the meantime he needs to learn to walk away when overwhelmed and not be abusive. I think he should help with nappy changes but not lead for now, with a view to working on this. Some time where he can focus on positive time with his child for bonding might help.

Husband may or may not be ND, so many parents are, he needs to find a way regardless. My mum is autistic (to the extent that she was diagnosed in the 1960s) and still managed to parent her very disabled son, my parents found a way of fairly dividing the load while playing to each of their strengths.

OP, is there anyone in your life that can give you a break? If there's a helpful grandparent or aunt/uncle I'd be encouraging this relationship and trying to get some time for myself until your husband is able to do his share again.

(Edited to remove suggestion of private counselling which was probably unhelpful)

Agreed.

I'd be embarrassed changing a four year old, or sending a four year old to school in nappies, special needs or not. It doesn't make it right but it's absolutely a normal response to seeing your child delayed imo.

It's best for everyone if he leaves, imo. He didn't sign up for it and he's not capable of being the dad the child needs.

Agree. As hard as this is now, it will become monumentally difficult as a single parent and as a mum, OP will inevitably end up with the lions share of responsibility. I think many people are posting from the point of view of ‘bad’ days with non disabled children, and are failing to understand that that bears no resemblance to life with a significantly disabled child, where every day can effectively be your worst because you’re facing a new facet of that disability.

DH clearly needs help because there are many challenges ahead, and he needs encouragement to seek that help, not least because the alternative is the breakdown of the family unit. Trying to convince OP she’d be better off on her own is irresponsible in the extreme. Nobody is perfect and DH is clearly struggling with multiple issues. Maybe mutual support - talking things through and seeking help together is a more compassionate and realistic option to branding him as a useless dad and advising OP to throw in the towel.

I feel very sorry for him. We have a son with SEN which has posed some challenges e.g eloping which has improved but he has darted into roads to reach something he’s interested in and would gladly run into a pond to chase a duck for example. He also escaped from the house and ran down the street when I was upstairs once which was terrifying. I have anxiety all of the time, have to ensure doors are kept locked and keys hidden.

Anyway, I can further sympathise with your DH because we don’t have to deal with meltdowns but I have witnessed other parents with SEN children in the school handling this as standard. It must be exhausting, relentless and miserable. That coupled with him needing nappies still as well, your DH honestly just sounds like he’s reached the end of his tether.

I can also empathise with the embarrassment. It stems from wanting your child to not stand out and be different from others I guess, you don’t want people to stare at them. At least that’s how I feel and I imagine your DH has similar concerns. Plus he’s right, he knew about the disability but there’s no way to know how severe it will be or how you’ll cope with it until they’re born and develop.

I suggest he reaches out for support. Counselling, support groups etc. Things will
be out there. You also do this with him, it will be good for you both.

I was writing a similar reply to the above poster but you put it better than me
Its very easy to judge when your not in that situation ,or the only experience you have e is a cousin you see occasionally
Nobody when under such extreme parenting is perfect at all time ,s

What do you mean, 'it's better if this man is not in your lives'?!

He is the father to this child, whom I'm actually sure he does love. It is bloody hard parenting a child with full-on SEN. Even if he and the OP eventually do separate, because this sort of parenting takes a massive toll on relationships and libido, he will still need to understand and cope with the challenges his son throws up. The answer is NOT 'LTB' but 'get specialised help and therapy' - as a first recourse, at least. He needs to step up, and he needs help and compassion with that.

I'm so glad to hear that you think your aunt and uncle never had a cross word to say to your cousin. Did you live with them? Were you there all the time? Did you see them at 3am, exhausted and weeping because their child was night-wakeful? Did you see them being judged by ignorant passers-by because of the way their child was behaving, or sobbing because they were still in nappies and they didn't think they could change one more nappy without screaming?

Not all people with DS are the same, of course. Not all children with SEND are the same.

Very cautiously posting as I don’t have a child with DS.

I do think you need to say clearly to your Dh that you hear him, but that you can’t continue to see him act like this to your Ds. That it isn’t your job to fix his emotions about having a child he didn’t expect, and if the emotions are getting in the way of him being the parent he is perfectly capable of being, he needs to find a solution. Counselling is one option but I’d agree with experienced posters suggesting peer support.

My best wishes to you all.

No he doesn't, I dont know wether he will be going to a special school or not but he will I assume have an EHCP which will outline his needs including personal care ,the school cannot refuse to tske him because hes in nappies and there is very much a reason ,for him not being toilet trained.

In a nutshell, and perfectly put.

l don’t get your point. Life is not that clear cut and when your expectation of a normal healthy child is shattered and you’re suddenly plunged into an unfamiliar world of disability and everything that goes with it, it’s very difficult to come to terms with. DH is struggling and needs to understand that if he doesn’t overcome his own grief sufficiently to access help to understand his sons’ needs and to be a better parent, their whole family unit is a risk of breakdown.

Yes i agree with this my son was in nappies until he was 9 it was much easier to change him standing up .

Most peoole don't expect to have a disabled child, its not usually on anyone's agenda
My child doesn't hsve down syndrome but he has a rare chromosome disorder, and severe autism and learning disabilities
The early years were very hard for me to accept that life wasent going to be how I imagined .

As a matter of interest (and not meant as a barb - obviously I don't know you) do you yourself have direct experience of being a parent to a child with a significant disability - developmental or otherwise?

Parenting a SEND child can bring out the best in you. It can also bring out the worst, from time to time, I'm afraid. DH and I are parents to a profoundly autistic teenager with LDs. People on the outside think we do very well. Some of them think we're saint-adjacent. I've heard enough platitudes over the years about how 'only special people have special children' and 'you never have a child you can't handle' and sometimes I read below these lines of crap and think - 'this is your way of consoling yourself for the horrendous fix we find ourselves in - it's ok, we're 'special' and we can cope'.

Truth is, nobody is special. Some of us have been presented with a life's work, and emotionally draining, massively hard and unpaid work at that. We do it because we're parents and love our children. Even when they're hitting us as hard as they can (because they don't understand why this isn't on) or smearing their crap in bed, or lying on the floor of the supermarket having a sensory meltdown. But for the most part, adults who don't have this in their lives find it very easy to look the other way, call us heroes but also be quick to judge.

You (and like I say, this might not be you personally) just can't get it unless you're there. None of us are born saints, and certainly in the earlier years, adjusting your expectations and your patience level takes massive effort and a sacrifice off the level expected by other parents. And that goes on, for as long as you're alive.

OP, your DH needs counselling - you both do, it's a tough gig. Even if things get worse and you separate, he's going to need support to be able to parent well and cope with it. Right now, he seems to feel that being a compassionate parent is optional and you're doing that bit so he doesn't have to. You need to talk properly about it and divide up the times that are most challenging. And it WILL get easier for both of you once your son is in school. (and school won't, or shouldn't, mind about the nappies so please don't sweat that part of it. It'll happen in time. My son with ASD came out of day nappies at 7.)

Very easy to say but there’s may a truth in walk a mile in someone’s shoe before you criticise them

this isn’t saying he’s not wrong but having friends with kids with additional needs I’ve seen what it’s done to them it’s absolutely broken them

Thank you, l missed it too. But that doesn’t change my view of what’s happening. DH really does need to seek help if they are to make this work. And OP needs to try to support him in doing that because as hard as this is now, it will be monumentally difficult as a single parent.

It sounds as though DH is grieving for the life he thought he would have with his child. He hasn’t fully accepted it, and there’s resentment that’s now spilling over into his interactions with his child. Without professional help for them both to come to terms with this and prepare for the difficulties ahead, their marriage won’t survive and OP will inevitably end up shouldering the full responsibility.

How on earth can you write this when you haven't met the child?

Do you even have any experience with a child with Downs who has had this problem?