Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

That's all very well, and I do agree. However, OP also needs to be prepared for the eventuality that her husband just walks out. I'm not saying that it's right at all, but it is something that she should consider. And honestly, that might have its upsides, as his current attitude is doing none of them any favours.

You can't screen for all intellectual disabilities. Everyone who has a child rolls a dice.

I don't think screening is the point. He may have thought he could handle it but has found out he can't, it's hard for anyone to know how resilient they are until they are in a situation like this.

In any case, I think the best approach is to help him accept his son as he is while making sure it's clear verbal or emotional abuse won't be tolerated. Pushing him out or allowing him to opt out aren't in OP's or their son's interests.

Of course. I was just saying that while I can understand where this dad is coming from, he also needs to step up and live in the now.

I'm not honestly sure. Also, I think he was talking about intellectual disabilities more than physical. I'm not saying he was reasonable about it, but at least he was clear about it when there was still time to do something about it.

I have a good package of respite now ,but its taken years to get that ,my son is nearly 16 .

Well nobody enjoys changing the nappies of an older child but what's the alternative, leave them in wet and soiled nappies?

I don't. I know that my SIL has twice yearly respite. It's not much, but it's something.

You csn never guarantee a child wont have disabilities, but its not really the point ,as we are talking about a real life child

What would your father have done if a child had turned out to have disabilities anyway ?
Amnioscentisis can only check for so much
There are many rare chromosome disorder, s thst are not picked up on pre natal checks and the affects of them only become apparent after birth as the child starts to develop
What would your father had done had his child become disabled through illness or accident during their childhood?

I also agree with this, tbh. I'm childfree anyway, but if I ever had had children I would have most certainly screened for DS, and would not have continued with a pregnancy in that case.

Of course but have you any idea how hard it is to get respite?

I wonder this as well. For context, my parents were older (in their forties when I was born) My father insisted on my mother having an amniocentesis because of the possibility of DS or another disability, as he said he would not raise a disabled child. While that sounds very harsh, I think it's actually better than what the OP's H is doing!
That said, this child is here now, and he deserves better than OP's H's behaviour. I think specialist help is required, or the OP should probably separate from her husband. If he isn't going to leave her and son, which to be honest it sounds as if he might do.

Parent of a non verbal 3 year old here, sending sympathy. It is hard.

It’s obviously something different, but the guys from the Autism Dadcast podcast have just started a virtual pub (message board) for dads of autistic kids. Wondering if your DH might find some support there.

Your DH has mentally checked out and you need to start planning what to do if he leaves. Did you have an open discussion during pregnancy about the consequences of potentially having a child with DS? Unlike some forms of SEN, DS is screened for in virtually all pregnancies these days so there must be a longer back story. The phrase he didn't sign up for it is significant because you must have made a mutual decision together to forego screening or continue with a pregnancy that may result in a profoundly disabled child. Not all parents are cut out to be SEN parents. It's not acceptable to shout at a SEN child for things beyond their control but it's also not unreasonable as a parent to not want to deal with diapers and poo anymore during school age.

If he won’t accept any help I think you do need to leave, even though it’s so unfair all the hard work will be on you, to protect your son

Have you spoken to your health visitor? They may have additional resources they can refer you to that are specific to your situation.

They can also refer you to Home-Start if there is one in your area. I was referred to Home-Start when my DD was 4. I found them helpful.

The comment is perhaps a touch blasé in tone, but the value of respite is a valid and important point. It shouldn't be viewed as a treat either, it's perfectly acceptable to view it as a necessity.

Remorse for what ? He’s struggling to accept life with a disabled child and his resentment is spilling over into his relationship with DS. It’s not a case of showing remorse, it’s needing to access support to come to terms with things and be the parent he needs to be. He’s not abusing the child as such, he’s behaving as he would with a non-disabled child and expecting his son to learn from that in the same way. That’s what needs to be addressed here.

You didn’t choose this either, and nor did your son.
your DH needs to learn to emotionally regualte, and you and your son can’t be his emotional punching bag. He needs to seek support from therapist, health visitor, school staff, parenting support group, children’s centre , early help etc to deal with his feelings about this and learn some coping skills. You have enough on your plate bringing up your send son without having to gentle parent your husband too. He DOES need somewhere to vent and get support but he should do this externally so he can show up to be a decent husband and father at home. Why is it you doing everything including reaching out for help on a forum? I bet you are working to fix things while he is avoiding - has he stormed off to play golf or video games?

He's not being denied anything, ffs! He's refused, presumably repeatedly given how OP worded it. He WON'T get help that he very obviously needs.

I'll say again, as I did in a prev post, the assumption is that he's like this cos of the DS when in reality he might have been just as appaling with an NT child with no disabilities at all - plenty of men are.

Op is already doing this on her own for all intents & purpose as the father refuses to even take his own child out on his own. She's also bearing the additional weight of his behaviour towards a child, a vulnerable child & having to act as a buffer to PROTECT that child.

We'd not be excusing that behaviour from a father towards an 'ordinary' child so why an extraordinary one? And why is it always the man that is the issues when it's hard work for everyone involved?

Wow. I can’t make up my mind which is worse - that you think respite can just be conjured up whenever you need it, or that you think regular breaks away from the reality of life with a disabled child are the answer. There’s no guarantee that life will get easier, there are many challenges to be faced in the meantime, and DH needs help and support to turn and face his responsibilities, not be offered treats in return for doing what he should be doing as a parent.

I think you both need additional help, and for different reasons. Him as he can’t accept the situation, which is whay this is. He can’t accept it and you having to deal with him and the fall out from it.

he can’t keep saying no to help, that’s just another symptom of his not accepting it. And when his non acceptance turns into cruelty to his son, then the time for accepting his no helps has long gone.

i think when you’re son is in bed you need to speak to him. Not in an accusatory way, but that you both need help now to understand what you face, how it will play out, how to cope, and you need to do it for your sons sake and for both of yours.

if I’m honest, I’m not sure he will accept help, and I suspect it will get worse. His non acceptance is potentially here to stay, and you will need to decide your own course of action in that situation.

Easier said then done im afraid
I have regular respite for my now nearly 16 year old disabled son ,but its taken years to get this level of support and its very area dependent.

Yep. I’m finding it unbelievable that they think @sartre was saying they were embarrassed by their childs’ needs, when in actual fact they were saying the exact opposite - that they were embarrassed for their child being singled out by the behaviour of others.

I think you need some marriage counselling. Having a child with additional needs is very hard, and doesn’t need to be faced alone. It’s all well and good trying to keep the high moral standard but many people need extra help emotionally and mentally to cope and it’s not unreasonable at all - I would be inclined to listen to your husband on how he cannot cope, and seek help for him and yourself to make you a stronger team. This is in everyone’s best interests, including your sons’.

the second thing I wondered was whether his toilet needs are related to downs- it wasn’t clear to me from your post.. Is there a reason you can’t potty train? Perhaps your son doesn’t like feeling wet etc and so has big negative feelings around that; and he may well find using potty / toilet preferable once he’s grasped it. I think you need to address this as it’s a huge consequence for the rest of his life if he cannot use the toilet etc obviously. I would say of all the things to aim for, this is one of the most important, if not the most important.

obviously your husbands verbal outburst is unacceptable. I would see it as a call for help in that he cannot cope any longer. Don’t just blindly carry on and heap blame on each other: it won’t end well for anyone including your son. You will all benefit from a stronger, calmer, unified family unit. Sit down and make an action plan and then approach your husband with it. Everyone needs to feel listened to, including your husband, and your son.
very best of luck to you xox