Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

Also infections can cause disability. There are so many things that can happen, no-one is guaranteed a non disabled child. There's nothing wrong with wanting to screen for down syndrome etc but you have to be aware that there are many other types of disability, and many of the most common ones like autism can't be tested for during pregnancy.

@OtterlyAstounding I didn't think I'd cope with a child who had disabilities either but I have. If something were to happen to someone you loved, you'd cope because you love them.

You sound like a fantastic mum and the sad fact is not everyone is able to cope with a child with additional needs.
I would say to your husband that you know it's hard, but your son didn't ask to be born and if he can't get his emotions in check around his son then you won't stand for it.
He needs to take a step back and learn how to deal with his emotions.
I really feel for you, you're doing an amazing job

I have to disagree. He's being emotionally abusive to his kid. Why should she not be swinging that door wide and protecting her kid?

I give up.

But I do wonder how many times that four year old has been shouted at, sworn at and purposely ignored today.

I'm not the only person who's taken up with this supremely naive post - but I'm wondering where you're getting this from? How easy do you think it is to 'book in regular breaks' for parents? Who looks after the vulnerable, challenging child with SEN while this happens? Most of us SEN parents don't have an obliging network of experienced and willing friends and family who will step in to free up parents for the odd city break away. There are also not that many places that are geared up for day trips if you have a challenging child who may have all sorts of needs and sensitivities.

Respite? Excuse me while I die laughing. stillupatmidnight there IS NO RESPITE CARE. Or at least, it's incredibly hard to get hold of. In my LA, I'm not aware of a way to get it without a social worker. Those are like gold dust. You cannot apply for even a few hours respite without one. I have no idea about 'professional services that offer respite care' - I'd hope all respite is professional. If you mean, something privately accessed outside the LA provision, then god alone knows what that would cost. Do you mean like a SEN nanny? I don't even know where to find one of those, and I need to retain both my kidneys, thank you.

Honestly, I'm not sure why you're trying to push me to say...what, that actually, I could cope with a severely disabled child, even though I know myself well enough to know that I couldn't? What's your goal here? What does my estimate of my ability to cope have to do with you?

ETA: Or to do with this thread. Again, I was just trying to say I can understand DH's feelings. And frankly, there may not be an entirely happy solution, as sad as that is, if he's just unable to adjust.

Lots of responders have said that she should ask him to leave, which is opening the door for him.

Of course she can't make him parent his child, but if he is low enough to walk away from his son this shouldn't be made easy for him.

So you say you hsve children?
If they had a disability that couldnt be picked up prenatally and it was only as your much loved child started to develop you realised there were some significant concerns and delays ,you would say oh im not cut out for this ?
Similarly if your much loved child had an accident or illness that left them disabled you would just walk away ?
Most parents of disabled children think the same as you BTW that they can't cope, but they hsve to what's the alternative?

But I'm not talking about anyone else? I'm talking about myself, in regards to how I can sympathise with the DH's inability to cope, even though it's not fair on the OP, or DS.

Car accidents? Anything that impacts the brain like drowning can also cause serious issues. Severe allergic reactions. Fire, cancer.

I certainly don’t live my life worrying about it, but it can happen to anyone and you just have to step up.

So if you had a child that had disabilities that were not picked up until after birth because they can't or don't test for them and it only becomes apparent as your child starts to develop that there are some significant issues, would you'l just abandon them ?
This is a much loved child
Becsuse thats what happened to me
Or if your child had an accident or illness during childhood leaving them disabled, you would abandon them?

News for you. You often don't know in advance. My son requires 24 hour 2:1 care due to intellectual disability and we have at various times had a very difficult time of it.

If you really really could not cope with anything going wrong ever, then don’t have children. My friends with so called perfect children have struggled at times as well. That’s the sort of point of children - they’re unpredictable. That’s the fun bit.

But you didn’t call out abuse, you simply hurled your own. Amd made a snap judgement on this man.

Statistically it is unlikely that someone will be disabled by accident. Of course it can happen, but it is unlikely. I don't go through life thinking about what could happen.

Yes, I will always call out abuse. And you have no idea of my experience.

Anyone can be disabled in life though, adult or child. Not pleasant to think about. Most of us are shielded from how brutal life can be.

My experience is irrelevant. The OP’s husband is persistently shouting, withdrawing affection and now swearing at his pre-school son. Which is abuse. Regardless of anything else.

I don't know who is. I just know that I am not.

Who do you think is cut out to be a parent of a child with learning disabilities ?
We are not some kind of special breed
Most of us are just plodding along doing our best .

That could happen in any relationship
But he's still the child's father and needs to find a,way of accepting it for what it is ,I appreciate thats far easier said than done, it took me years to accept my sons disabilities.

It isn't a question of holding the door open. If he leaves, she can't stop him. All she can do is make sure that he pays his share.

Agreed. I do have children, but I also wouldn't have continued with a pregnancy that was at high risk of any condition that caused major intellectual disability. I know I'm not cut out to parent a child with those kinds of needs, and while it's impossible to eliminate risk entirely, it can definitely be reduced through screening etc.

But knowing that I wouldn't be able to handle a child with DS is also why I have sympathy for the DH (although obviously the way he's behaving to the son isn't acceptable). It's a difficult situation for everyone.

He might do, but he shouldn't, and OP shouldn't hold the door open for him to endorse this.

Poo is just poo. Changing an older child's nappy isn't anyone's hobby of choice but it's not awful or intolerable. The problem here is the distress their child is in, which does sound tricky.

We all risk having a child with SEN or a disability, if we feel we can't manage this we shouldn't become a parent at all. Parents of disabled children are awesome but they aren't made of something stronger than NT parents. I think NT parents are comforted by the idea they are somehow special or different as people- they aren't. It's hard.

OP's DH needs to work through this and find a way to be a parent. I don't think anyone would think it OK for a mum to walk away from a disabled child, it's no different for a dad.