Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

What on earth are you talking about ? Because parents can’t cope with their childs’ disability doesn’t make them abusive and doesn’t make the child a ‘target’. ‘Predation’ doesn’t apply - in most cases it’s being unable (as opposed to unwilling) to meet the childs’ needs and needing various levels of help according to the severity of the disability.

If a child is so severely disabled that the parents can’t cope, then they would likely require specialist residential facilities - which can’t be conjured up at a moments’ notice no matter how urgently they’re needed. Placements for significantly disabled children are notoriously difficult to secure.

He didn't sign up for this?

Yes he did. Unless he only wanted 'a normal one'.

My son is severely disabled. In over 30 years, I've never doubted that his father was actually a reasonable human being.

I'm not saying it was easy. I am saying that general rules of compassion and regulation from the actual adult who brought them into the world are non negotiable.

I haven’t suggested that anything like this is OK behaviour towards any child, disabled or not. Neither am l suggesting that DH’s behaviour is acceptable. Only that it is understandable in the circumstances. The frustrated response from DH comes from expecting a four year old with a significant learning/cognitive disability to respond the way a child without the disability would at that age. He needs to engage with professionals to educate himself and to work through his issues. I haven’t said anything to the contrary.

It's scary that you a. Think he should feel bad, he couldn't help it b. Think it's OK cos his son is disabled

Show me where I’ve said either of these things ?

These things are not black and white. Nobody is perfect and DH is clearly angry at his lot and harbouring resentment. He and OP are both also clearly grieving the life they thought they would have with their child. If course it’s never acceptable to treat a child like this and at no point have l said it is. But it is understandable.

Of course DH needs to engage with help to process how he feels and to access support in better understanding his sons’ condition, but OP can’t force this and a sledge hammer like approach has been proven time and time again to be counter productive.

{mention:Kirbert2}but@Kirbert2but there are posters on here adament that two poster who say they wouldn't cope absolutely would because they must. It doesn't work like that. They might surprise themselves. Maternal love might overrule any consideration to do anything but try. Thry might turn out to be good parents, they might not. But one can know oneself well enough to know you wouldn't want to. It's uncomfortable to admit but it's true

Sorry, I meant general care homes not special residential ones, my bad for lack of clarity

You don't think screaming and swearing at a four year old is abusive? If he was a typical child but still 4 and not always doing things how his Dad thinks he should, would you still be OK with the screaming and swearing at a 4 year old?

What if he hits the boy out of frustration? Locks him in the house alone and leaves him there all day? Shakes him until he's unconscious?

What exactly is it OK to do to a disabled child cos you're frustrated that it wouldn't be OK to do to a non disabled child?

Agree, and by the same token OP shouldn’t be facilitating him staying and checking out of childcare simply because he can’t cope with the disability. OP’s life is hard enough now, single parenting would be horribly difficult, so she should encourage finding help together as a first step

I feel for your little boy. He really can’t help it, he will have many challenges and needs his parents support.
your dh is not accepting him, I think this will only become worse as he grows. When did you find out about the DS during your pregnancy and what was his reaction?
If he doesn’t want to do any counselling and be a better parent, then you would need to leave. Your ds can’t be subjected to a life where he will be emotionally abused purely because of his disability

This is exactly my point. Posters have no idea how hard it is to obtain respite, or that in the majority of cases, it’s not free, and it’s expensive.

Sure, and those children are under a section 20 because their parents cannot cope and/or meet their needs.

Some people say ‘I couldn’t cope’ and find themselves being able to, and others will say ‘I couldn’t cope’ and be absolutely right in their assessment of themselves.

I’ve been a disability support worker for over 20 years, and I don’t know of this either. It’s absolute nonsense.

They can plan in breaks all they want, but unfortunately, unless they’re prepared to pay privately, respite isn’t there on demand. It’s patchy according to area. As a disability support worker I’ve supported families with adult children who are severely autistic, violent and have outgrown their parents. Many families are at the point where they have to designate a safe room within their own homes because the behaviour is so extreme that no suitable facility can be found to cope with the needs. The same is true of children with complex needs - placements are few and far between because the facilities to cope with those needs are just not there - even short term.

You can't just decide to send your disabled child to residential special school because you can't cope though. It doesn't work like that and is always a last resort because the LA's don't want to pay for it.

Of course not all parents can cope and extreme things happen just as it does with parents of children without disabilities.

I think most parents would believe they wouldn't be able to cope before it happened and most parents would surprise themselves.

I don't feel like I'm more strong or brave or special because I have a disabled child.

They're not, I absolutely wouldn't do what they've done. I do it out of love, I would have just assumed I'd cope but it's been hard.

Pretending everyone is fine and copes is ridiculous.

This whole thread is about a person NOT COPING

No, he’s not. He’s failing to recognise that his disabled son isn’t capable of responding in the way he intends. There’s a huge difference between a parent intentionally emotionally abusing their child, and one who is at the end of their tether because nothing works. He needs support to find help - this isn’t going to resolve itself.

These are usually for children with extreme behaviour. Such a child who is physically dangerous to siblings. Not usually for a 4 Yr old DS child who isn't toilet trained.

And they exist because some parents can't cope.

We know some parents cope with a healthy, intellectually standard child. People have abostions. They abandon newborns. They neglect, abuse, kill their healthy typical children. Care homes are full of kids abandoned by their parents or removed from their homes.

Why can't you accept that some of those reasons are the kids disability.

Those people are truly amazing. I take my hat off to them and I mean that sincerely. Most people are very much not like that.

My amazing friends.

One had a disabled child and when they got the diagnosis they decided to foster another disabled child. Their daughter died, one of their foster children died, one grew up and went into supported living and they adopted the last boy.

Another had her kids and once they grew up, she fostered. Her now adopted daughter was physically harmed by her parents, which caused a healthy child profound and life long disabilities.
But I'm aware my friends are like gold nuggets. Precious and rare.

I also worked with a guy who chose to adopt a deaf girl because he knew statistically it would be harder for her to find a forever home.

Most of them remain in care.

He’s being emotionally abusive towards his young son. He should realise that for himself and do something about it.

Why is it different? The end result is the same. Love is not always unconditional and that's ok.

They exist because some children require complex care that parents can't meet.

The same parents who fight hard against the LA who would rather do anything else than pay for a child to take up one of these places despite the fact that they are heartbroken at the thought of their child not living with them but they push ahead with it and fight because they know it is in the best interests of their child.

To me that is very different than requesting your child to be put in care because you can't cope and/or don't want to be their parent.

She absolutely is making sense.

Why the insistence that Everyone would coeo with a disabled child when we know how fucking hard it is to cope with and not everyone is able or willing to cope with everything. Yes, I cope out of a lack of choices I'm willing to mske. But people put disabled kids up for adoption when they'd have kept a non disabled child. They cope badly and have them removed. They neglect and abuse them. They walk out on the other parent. They commit suicide. They commit murder/suicide. They stay in the home and scream and swear at their 4 to for not being like a "normal" child.
Ops partner isn't coping. My friends sons birth mother didn't cope. The women on the news who killed herself and her son didn't cope.

Perhaps we'd have more support for parents of disabled children if we accepted that like @OtterlyAstounding@OtterlyAstounding@{mention:OtterlyAstounding}ot@OtterlyAstoundingot everyone copes!