Husband resents ds with Down syndrome.

I can only echo others comments..what support have you been given as a family? It sounds like your husband is struggling with having a disabled child and perhaps going to a support group with others would help, or for private counselling. When did you find out your child would have DS? Was any counselling offered then?
Could you also speak to the HV about help with toileting. I would also speak to the school, lots of children do now start that aren't toilet trained, especially those with medial issues or disabilities so I wouldn't be pressurising the toilet training if it's not working at the moment.

I fucking hate men! No one will ever convince me that 100 average men are worth 1 average women! Posts like this confirm it for me.

’Maybe the DH needs therapy’
’He's mourning the loss of…..”

Most women just plough on though don’t they whilst remaining loving and calm. Not men though.

No advice, I’m so very, very sorry OP. I hope you find peace, hopefully away from DH.

I recall an episode of super nanny. I know 🤪 There was an older child who wouldn’t toilet trained, he has special needs and his father was loosing his mind. I cannot remember the method that was used but there was a complete turnaround.

Not everyone has the temperament to cope with a disabled child.

I think you need to sit down with your husband and have an honest discussion about the future. It may be that you need some extra support. That alone may ease the pressure. Or it may not. There must be organisations that can advise you on this.

Raising a child with SN’s is bloody hard, noticing that your child isn’t meeting milestones that other kids his age are is also very hard but your dh isn’t handling the situation well. I agree that he may need more help to understand that your child isn’t going to hit those milestones the same time as others.

My dd doesn’t have DS but she’s severely autistic and at 4 was non verbal with a very delayed understanding. Toilet training was hard and we were getting close to her starting school and preparing for the fact she may still be in pull ups. We backed right off (gave up trying) and then suddenly 3 weeks before she was due to start school she toilet trained herself. Your ds will do it eventually, when he’s ready.

My dh struggled excepting dd was disabled, we are no longer together, I split with him when dd was 8 (she’s now 19), he still really struggles to except some of her traits and the random things she does. I have to say ‘in some ways it’s been easier raising her without him here’,though it’s not been easy. Maybe your dh just needs help to understand? Maybe attending counselling or going to a parenting group could help?

Therapy or you break up, in my opinion.

I didn’t really mean the husband would be hating himself - just that if he’s shouting at his son and then ignoring him, he needs to look at his behaviour and his lack of kindness towards his own son.
Some posters are saying he is grieving the loss of a child he thought he’d have, but to be blunt, he’s had four years to do that and he’s still behaving like an oaf. Maybe your husband does need Counselling OP.

That's easy to say but it's not the case in reality is it? The financial side of things alone is a whole different ball game when you're on your own.

Completely unfair to be getting annoyed over this.
He needs to get counselling or leave. Your beautiful boy is aware of his father’s frustration, he’s 4 sounds like he is doing great. He won’t be toilet trained with the pressure, many children aren’t. He will have support in school and will come on watching other children everyday.
I am really sorry that you are in this position with your husband, I hope he comes around. DS has a very loving mother, sometimes that is enough.

Sounds like she is doing most of it alone to avoid her DH not coping. Better alone than with a man who is becoming increasingly abusive towards a four year old. His behaviour will just be creating more problems on top of existing ones.

H has just not really acknowledged him. Not cruel, just distant
Ignoring his child is cruel.

Your DH needs help accepting the reality that your DS has Down Syndrome.
Not easy for any parent.
Counselling may work for some dads but not for others.
Another possibility is for him to meet other dads of children with Down Syndrome who've been through what you are both going through.

Have you been given support for the toileting? I remember when I was trying to toilet train my daughter, one of the signs they are ready is not wanting to be changed. Some days I was lucky I didn’t get a black eye.

What worked for me was buying a potty that looked like a mini toilet (was on Amazon). She’d get a chocolate button for a wee, two for a poo. Took a weekend. I also put her I knickers while doing it so she could feel if she had a wee.

First off stick a pin in the toilet training for now your DS is not ready. He’s not at the right developmental stage his chronological age is irrelevant.

ERIC has some good resources that are Down Syndrome specific for toilet training https://eric.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2022/09/12096-Pants4School-Training-Programme_v4.pdf

Second of all I would seriously consider asking your DH to move out for a while. This is a terrible atmosphere for you all and his behaviour is going to be terribly damaging for your DS. Your DH needs to take responsibility for managing his feelings and finding a way to cope but he needs to go elsewhere until he can do that.

So many people are telling OP to end her marriage, or realising she would then have to do everything alone.

I think you both need to reach out for some professional help.

The thing is, it never is the mother is it? They just have to get on with it (and cope with man-child husbands, to boot).

And you can bet your life that if a mother came on this site admitting to shouting, swearing and ignoring her disabled child, she would be flayed alive, not told to get counselling.

Not always. Plenty of us have DC with all sorts of needs. Some aren't amplified through illness.

I think this is good calm advice

This is awful to read as a mum of a child with mild disabilities that included years of soiling.
I'd probably divorce if he didnt get counselling, parenting course etc

Your DH needs crisis counselling as soon as possible. Are you in a good position financially? I would invest in a private specialised counsellor and also a specialist nanny for as many hours as you can afford a week.

This is not a failure. This is support.

Your DH is struggling to accept your child is never going to hit the milestone of a child without a disability. He needs to have counselling to accept it as you DS is not going to hit the milestones of someone who has not the same challenges. You need to put your DS first - he needs loving and supportive parents - not someone who is harsh and cant understand what your child has to deal with.

Not what you're asking but a really supportive place for potty training children with Down Syndrome is the PADs Facebook group on potty training. I'd say your husband is not unreasonable to want to try and train, but his behaviour, lack of patience, shouting, that is all unacceptable. Husband might benefit from talking to other dads with a child with DS - could help him get some perspective.

Do you attend any support groups for downs syndrome or additional needs?
It does sound like your DH is checking out.
It's really hard parenting a child with additional needs and many marriages don't survive.
Would DH consider some counselling?

Tbf we have no idea if the Husband hates himself, because of how he feels about his Son, and that could be coming out in his behaviour. He could probably benefit from some counselling to help him come to terms with his present and future.

He doesn't have to be especially if he isn't ready and disabled. My son is autistic and fairly non verbal. I doubt he will be ready before starting school this year.