Page 9 | Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

seasonofthebitch · 2026-01-18T16:18:11+00:00

Just wanted to update the previous thread… I’m about to get on the train home after lovely weekend with my sister. I’m more certain now of my boundaries and what I will and won’t accept. I expect this will lead to the end of the marriage. DP called me this morning and said he was “so tired, with another full on day”. He’s taken DSD AGAIN to his gym for 3 hours and will be going to take her again tonight for 2 hours as I’m “not back in time”. Youd think for one weekend he’d have sacked off the gym. Poor DSD. When I was sick after Christmas, he spent everyday in doors with her. Didn’t take her the park, shops, walk, play centres, swimming - no where. Because I was not doing it too! Im having a conversation with him tonight about our future. Feeling ok about it but also prepared for some backlash… coming back here to keep me focused!

rainonfriday · 19/01/2026 22:40

I reckon the "lonely" stuff is to justify an affair too, which will be his next thing (if he isn't already) as he lines up your replacement just in case you leave. It's designed to make you comply out of fear of him leaving you or having an affair. It's basically "shut up about your feelings and have sex with me".

LovesLabradors · 19/01/2026 22:36

What a horrible man!
Just thank your lucky stars you didn't have children with him. You can just walk away (although I feel pretty heartbroken for your DSD).
These men are horrible to divorce OP - he will try to belittle you and re-write history. He will say the worst, most outrageously untrue things to you, and all in a calm, self assured voice. I speak from bitter experience. Stay strong.

ByWarmShark · 19/01/2026 22:22

It's weird he doesn't seem to see his daughter as a human. I get being lonely with a crying baby in the middle of the night, but 5.30am with a 5 year old watching bluey is not loneliness, it's the opposite of loneliness - it's cuddly and cute but you'd also give anything for an extra hour in bed and just to be left alone, but you love them so you make the sacrifice and snuggle in.

Blondeshavemorefun · 19/01/2026 22:22

Why is the gym /business so important to him if a top consultant

ByWarmShark · 19/01/2026 22:19

Flinderskleepers · 19/01/2026 19:41

It's scary that this freak man is a doctor....

God I hope he's not a psychiatrist. Or a paediatrician.

They reckon a LOT of consultants / surgeons are psychopaths. Although that doesn't necessarily make them bad drs. It does make them bad husbands.

AcrossthePond55 · 19/01/2026 22:18

@seasonofthebitch

I know that was rough to hear. But even so, it's a 'good thing' to hear the words that basically prove to you that what you have been feeling and thinking are valid and real. And that creates the impetus to take action.

And 'numbness' is typical at this point. The 'emotion' will hit, don't doubt that. But you can use this period of numbness to make the plans you need to make because it oft times comes with a mental calmness and acuity that allows you to make the plans and the decisions you need to make.

Deep breath, square your shoulders, move forward. You've got this.

rainonfriday · 19/01/2026 22:18

Summerhut2025 · 19/01/2026 19:25

I don’t think he needs a nanny he needs to be there more for his daughter not just pay someone else to look after her or expect his wife to do it.

OP why on earth is that gym so important when he earns more than enough in his day job, I think he needs to put that business aside until his daughter is older and needs him less and then concentrate on a gym business, surely he must realise he can’t maintain his relationship with you and his daughter being there all the time instead of with yous, it’s crazy.

Show quote history

You're missing the point. He doesn't want a relationship with OP or DD. He wants a bangmaid nanny in OP and to not have to pay child support. There is no gym business. Either he's got a sidepiece and he's not even at the gym half the time, safe in the knowledge that his wife won't find out because she's chained to the kitchen sink by the presence of his DD or he's just there chilling with his bros and avoiding parenting/family life. The "business" is the wool he's using to pull over OPs eyes so she doesn't kick up a fuss at him never being home.

ohfourfoxache · 19/01/2026 22:10

What a disgusting specimen he is 🤮

I’ve got no advice. If I’m honest I’m not sure it’s advice that you need - you’re one of the most clued up posters I’ve seen. But I am sorry you’re going through this, and I am holding your hand from a far

GrooveArmada · 19/01/2026 22:06

understandyourdilemma · 19/01/2026 16:51

Interesting! Most consultants I know have a side-hustle: working in private health care and bringing in a fortune. Odd to have a side hustle in the gym that takes so much time and brings in no money.

@seasonofthebitch Does he picture himself as the next Rangang Chatterjee, Chris van Tulleken, or Joe Wicks. Is he building his 'client list' ready to launch his world famous podcast and tour the world as a motivational speaker?

Or is he fucking every female there which is why he needs 3-5 hours at the time?

Elephant in the room has arrived!

Coaly · 19/01/2026 21:54

Coercive sex is rape.

He's the type that could make a divorce unpleasant.

Don't hesitate to mention to your solicitor that there was Coercion in the relationship and this contributed to its breakdown.

He is the dregs.

Heatingneedstobeontoday · 19/01/2026 21:42

Agree he can't possibly be expected to continue in such a lonely relationship.
And divorce is the way forward....

TakeMe2Insanity · 19/01/2026 21:38

Been reading since the first thread, but “lonely” monologue - just shocked!

Well done on seeing the light.

Barney16 · 19/01/2026 21:38

I think his monologue is a classic narcissistic trope. He isn't lonely, he's pissed off you have challenged him. And he's mightily pissed off that you aren't going to continue to enable his completely selfish lifestyle. Get a hotel and leave. He isn't worth another minute of your time.

nolongersurprised · 19/01/2026 21:37

Lastgig · 19/01/2026 20:18

I'm going to ask a difficult question. I recall that the biological parents didn't plan ths pregnancy (this from your first thread ). Did they ever live as a family after the birth ? I am concerned that child will remain unwanted and as she gets older she will know. The incident with the bio mothers boyfriend is also concerning. Any decent father would have had his balls. Safeguarding indeed.

The mother doesnt want to engage with you, is she a party girl who spends all weekend on the booze (my sister was , her adult dc are still feeling the effects ) ?

My bff acts as a de facto parent to an Exs DD. Both don't want her (one's in the gym, the other drunk /high). My friend does school runs, uniform, homework. The child asked to be adopted!
I doubt any court in the land would grant you that but it would be in the child's best interests. I'd probably tell him if he doesnt want her you'll do a Matilda but without him!

Edited

The OP is still in training. Offering to look after the (ex) DH’s child full-time is unfeasible. Plus, when she separates she will likely want to reclaim her evenings for herself.

lifewillopenup · 19/01/2026 21:35

If he's lonely, it's because he treats people as a means to an end and has no friends.

Daytimetellyqueen · 19/01/2026 21:32

WiddlinDiddlin · 19/01/2026 19:37

For 'lonely' read:

'theres no one here to cheer-lead and award me with a Chufty Badge for doing the shit I should be doing as a parent and functioning adult'.

That's his issue. He has his head so far up his arse he can't even begin to spot your issue!

This!

Your future self will thank you Op - you’re doing the right thing.

rainonfriday · 19/01/2026 21:31

Lastgig · 19/01/2026 20:18

I'm going to ask a difficult question. I recall that the biological parents didn't plan ths pregnancy (this from your first thread ). Did they ever live as a family after the birth ? I am concerned that child will remain unwanted and as she gets older she will know. The incident with the bio mothers boyfriend is also concerning. Any decent father would have had his balls. Safeguarding indeed.

The mother doesnt want to engage with you, is she a party girl who spends all weekend on the booze (my sister was , her adult dc are still feeling the effects ) ?

My bff acts as a de facto parent to an Exs DD. Both don't want her (one's in the gym, the other drunk /high). My friend does school runs, uniform, homework. The child asked to be adopted!
I doubt any court in the land would grant you that but it would be in the child's best interests. I'd probably tell him if he doesnt want her you'll do a Matilda but without him!

Edited

And what about what OP wants? I'm not seeing her having any desire to adopt this child who already has two parents (at least one of which probably wants her for the benefit entitlements, else they could have aborted/adopted a long time ago if they didn't want her). All I'm seeing is post after post from people wanting OP to take this child on so they don't have to worry about what happens to her themselves. She's not OPs child and she's not OPs responsibility. There's realistically nothing she can do that doesn't involve making her own life a lot worse. She already works in medicine presumably doing things to help people all day every day. It's not like she's a selfish twat who does no good in the world. She deserves a free pass to sidestep this situation guilt free. She's not doing anything wrong in walking away.

UninitendedShark · 19/01/2026 21:29

ProfessorRedshoeblueshoe · 19/01/2026 19:21

Well he is making your decision easier.

This is my thoughts too.

Has he always been so utter self-centred?

TiredCatLady · 19/01/2026 21:22

Been following this from your first thread OP. What a monumentally selfish, arrogant, self absorbed piece of shit he is. He’s lonely is he? Fucking wanker.

You can, and will do so much better.

I don’t know where in the country you are - do you have somewhere to crash tonight so you don’t have to face going back to that fuckwit? (Who will inevitably try to keep you talking with his monologue of self pity)

Emigree · 19/01/2026 21:20

I was betting on othopod or neurosurgeon 🤔

lifewillopenup · 19/01/2026 21:20

I can well imagine that besides her unpaid nannying, he saw the OP as the right sort of wife for his Majesty the great consultant.

But with no intention of supporting her career-building, or a life of her own, since her main role should be consultant's wife and mother to consultant's child.

What did/does the child's mother do for a living? Why did the relationship end in the early stages of pregnancy?

nolongersurprised · 19/01/2026 21:18

Emigree · 19/01/2026 21:04

Tell me he is a management or IT consultant or something and not in clinical work?

Because if he is a medical consultant then he will have been through medical training, junior and registrar level jobs and to progress will have developed some proven transferable skills like time and task management, situational awareness, planning and empathy, and probably some ability to function on limited sleep when necessary. (just as I am sure you have in your training)

Which makes his failure to care and plan for his daughter even worse - his behaviour towards her and weaponised incompetence in childcare/house management is absolutely a choice.

A lot of male orthopaedic surgeons are gymbros

rainonfriday · 19/01/2026 21:17

seasonofthebitch · 19/01/2026 19:09

I had to walk out the house mid conversation.

As I’m still in training, I had exams recently, and spent a lot of time studying for them (obviously). This led me to being “less available” for babysitting, general day to day talking about DP or checking in with him.

i started saying “I love dsd, I’ve been happy to help when i can but I feel like that’s been taken advantage of and to be honest i feel like my parenting values do not align with yours. I feel disrespected, undermined, under appreciated and mostly just really unhappy. I can’t see how this can be resolved.”

DP seemingly heard none of this and launched into a monologue

Specifically he said:

I never asked you to be DSD mum. But it would help if you did stuff to help with her because I would feel less lonely. Waking up with a child is hard work and lonely and you get to lay in bed.
Work, DSD, gym are all hard work. Im just so exhausted and tired.
I feel lonely because I go to the gym on my own all the time. I’m trying to make a business but it’s still lonely
I feel lonely because when you are studying you don’t have time for me (nb: “time” here almost definitely means sex)
I feel lonely because you never once ask me how things are going at the training gym. You’re not interested. I feel like I do stuff to provide a nice life for us and you don’t see it.
sleeping with earplugs in is dismissive

Ive never been more open mouthed. I didn’t have the words. I just got my keys and walked out the house. I didn’t even understand what was being said to me.

To clarify, I do sleep with earplugs in as he snores, I was preoccupied with my exams but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it. And no I don’t ask about his gym stuff, mainly because it’s a hindrance in our life.

There’s no discussion to be had. Hes doubling down and rewriting everything like in the selfish one.

That insecure hole where his soul ought to be is the size of the Bermuda triangle, ain't nobody filling that up.

And...you're supposed to be available to him even while you sleep?! 🥴 Yeh...he don't want a wife, he wants a wifebot.

Figures. He barely qualifies as human himself.

grumpygrape · 19/01/2026 21:16

Emigree · 19/01/2026 21:04

Tell me he is a management or IT consultant or something and not in clinical work?

Because if he is a medical consultant then he will have been through medical training, junior and registrar level jobs and to progress will have developed some proven transferable skills like time and task management, situational awareness, planning and empathy, and probably some ability to function on limited sleep when necessary. (just as I am sure you have in your training)

Which makes his failure to care and plan for his daughter even worse - his behaviour towards her and weaponised incompetence in childcare/house management is absolutely a choice.

I think he was sick on the day they did empathy.

Emigree · 19/01/2026 21:04

Tell me he is a management or IT consultant or something and not in clinical work?

Because if he is a medical consultant then he will have been through medical training, junior and registrar level jobs and to progress will have developed some proven transferable skills like time and task management, situational awareness, planning and empathy, and probably some ability to function on limited sleep when necessary. (just as I am sure you have in your training)

Which makes his failure to care and plan for his daughter even worse - his behaviour towards her and weaponised incompetence in childcare/house management is absolutely a choice.