Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

Does anybody else think this thread is getting derailed? Could we perhaps leave space for OP to update us on her situation rather than bickering?

Your comment was aimed at me?
Mumsnet at its finest.

And?

Two Oxford degrees thanks.

Alright, Pink, calm down….

He's so lonely that he has to leave you at home alone looking after his only child, most evenings for hours at a time? He's so lonely that he expects his partner to do most of the childcare to facilitate his work and hobbies? What a shame he has gone on the defensive / offensive instead of actually listening and reflecting. At least you have realised this relatively early on, and before you had a child with him.

Do you think you will try and keep in contact with your step daughter at all? I'm not saying you should or its actually the best thing but it does sound right now like you're the most caring / stable adult presence in her life

Re Matilda.

In real life the parents would fight any move by the OP. Dad wouldn't want to ruin his reputation. And ultimately he can hire childcare. Neglect would never stick with him either because hes 'a respectable doctor' and that just doesn't happen to men like him.

All the OP would achieve is dragging the little girl into a drama which isn't in her best interests. The little girl would still want her Daddy anyway. You can't just replace a parent. Daddy would just have an opportunity to control and abuse the OP.

The idea of taking on this little girl is the stuff of fiction.

For lords sake read the thread. I've already explained it's a hypothetical question.
I will not engage again

You've done the right thing. Good luck with your new future.

I'm really not understanding the point you are attempting to make? Are you looking for some sort of fairytale scenario where social services just turns over the child to a non-relative?

I find it amusing that someone has managed to shoehorn telling us all that their daughter is a doctor.

It reminds me of those people who manage to mention that they went to Oxbridge in the first 2 minutes of meeting anyone new. 😆

I hope you are safe and well OP

Easy, tiger. No one wants to start a fight.

I don’t think it’s a particularly good question, because there are no mechanisms for OP to have any control over ongoing contact with DSD, regardless of how attached she is. So “gauging her attachment” is fruitless.

Xpost re Matilda!

OP’s life is not the plot of Matilda. She needs to prioritise herself and herself alone - divorce, separation of finances and property, career, new home, new life where she doesn’t have to deal with her pig of an STBEX in any way whatsoever. How can she move on, find a new relationship and have her own children (if she wants them) if she’s carrying emotional and care responsibilities towards a child over whom she has no legal/parental rights and is highly unlikely to ever do so. Why would she choose to do anything that involves ongoing contact with an abusive man (who will use the child to exercise control) when she can have a clean break? It’s really sad that the little girl’s attachment to the OP will be broken, but she’s only 5 and has many years ahead to form proper attachments with her 2 capable parents, who need to pull their fingers out now the free maid service is leaving; and/or hire the help they can no doubt well afford.

It will feel unbearably cruel to walk away from that little girl but I think it might be the absolute best thing to do. As long as OP is backfilling for two woefully inadequate parents, they will remain woefully inadequate, DSD will have instability and uncertainty for longer and OP will never be free of her fuckwit husband. DSD's actual mother and father need to step up.

We would all love a Matilda / Miss Honey happy ending but that just doesn't happen IRL.

Why would she want to go from unpaid nanny to unpaid foster carer and be forced to be in contact with her toxic H for another 13 years?

She did but that is not her beef. She objects to fhe DH dunping on her daily and going to the gym.
My original post asked if she could take the child on without the tosser of a husband would she? Highly unlikely in British law but I put it out there to judge depth of attachment. Its not a trick question.

@seasonofthebitch

He'll be 'lonely' until he finds your replacement. If she walked in the door this morning he'd be filing for divorce this afternoon.

Did he ever 'love' you? Well, love is an odd thing. It has a million reasons why it gets 'created'. I can be based on mutual respect, common interests, affection, and desire. That's the 'right kind' of love. But it can also be based on selfishness, pure physical attraction, or greed (among other things). So, did he 'love' you? Probably, if you define it as 'I love what you provide for me'.

She's talked about studying for her specialist exams in her evenings

This is forum where quedtions are asked. The OP has never mentioned reclaiming her evenings. I've read both threads.

He is jaw dropping. Not in a good way. That poor girl :(

Also if OP does report to the school, then they may well have a word with this oh so important consultant about what good parenting looks like and what's actually neglect. Image is often important to these men so that may be enough to make him step up on weekends.

The school should keep OP out of it and the DD is getting to the age where they will listen to what she says so whilst he might suspect, he should not know that some of this came from OP. 'Daddy spent all weekend with me at the gym' would probably prompt a conversation with a parent, I'd think in a school with a good safeguarding culture. Especially if repeated and perhaps combined with a responsible adult disappearing from that child's life.

The joke here too is that my understanding is that in terms of hours and flexibility you have a lot more as a consultant than a registrar, so it's outrageous and undermining that he's been prioritising his gym visits and expecting OP to pick up the parenting when she's at a crucial point in her career as well as, you know, his daughter not actually being her child. Perhaps he was hoping she'd give her job up entirely.

Maybe her working makes him feel 'lonely'.

I don’t think it’s fair to the op to write a response like this. You can think it, sure, but it isn’t kind to the op to write it. It is likely that the op has already been pushing down her own feelings out of guilt for this child for too long, and that isn’t fair. The op is a person too. We know from the op’s responses that she’s an empathetic, kind person, who will have considers this, so there’s no need to add to it.

my own experience is that once he realised he had no choice, my exhusband - also a surgeon 😂 yup similarities - did step up for his children.