Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

Sorry for the lack of update, it’s been hectic.

DH is still here, I’m still in the spare room. Hes theatrically “sold” his business and wants to work on the marriage. I’ve told him we don’t have a good enough foundation to do that. He’s suggested couples counselling, I’ve said no.

i don’t know who said it, but I do think he’s realising what he’s lost now - someone who loves his daughter and accepts they come as a pair! DSD is here too, I’ve been normal with her. DH actually hasn’t guilted me in terms of me “leaving” DSD, which I thought he would do.

He’s not been angry. Lots of tears, words of regret, wanting to be close… lots of talk about about being a selfish husband (wonder if he’s read this thread?)

im very headstrong. When I know what I want to do, I don’t change my mind. I don’t feel anything would improve and stayed improved. Sad really, but I don’t feel sad (yet?)

Hes theatrically “sold” his business

Since Monday?!

Im a bit worried about the OP too

He'll suggest they ttc mark my words....

No doubt the H has switched from self-pity to lovebombing and charm.

I had to walk out the house mid conversation.

As I’m still in training, I had exams recently, and spent a lot of time studying for them (obviously). This led me to being “less available” for babysitting, general day to day talking about DP or checking in with him.

i started saying “I love dsd, I’ve been happy to help when i can but I feel like that’s been taken advantage of and to be honest i feel like my parenting values do not align with yours. I feel disrespected, undermined, under appreciated and mostly just really unhappy. I can’t see how this can be resolved.”

DP seemingly heard none of this and launched into a monologue

Specifically he said:

• I never asked you to be DSD mum. But it would help if you did stuff to help with her because I would feel less lonely. Waking up with a child is hard work and lonely and you get to lay in bed.
• Work, DSD, gym are all hard work. Im just so exhausted and tired.
• I feel lonely because I go to the gym on my own all the time. I’m trying to make a business but it’s still lonely
• I feel lonely because when you are studying you don’t have time for me (nb: “time” here almost definitely means sex)
• I feel lonely because you never once ask me how things are going at the training gym. You’re not interested. I feel like I do stuff to provide a nice life for us and you don’t see it.
• sleeping with earplugs in is dismissive

Ive never been more open mouthed. I didn’t have the words. I just got my keys and walked out the house. I didn’t even understand what was being said to me.

To clarify, I do sleep with earplugs in as he snores, I was preoccupied with my exams but still slept with him and gave him sex when he pestered me for it. And no I don’t ask about his gym stuff, mainly because it’s a hindrance in our life.

There’s no discussion to be had. Hes doubling down and rewriting everything like in the selfish one.

The OP does not want to be in her step daughter's life in the current terms. And it is not right - the child has parents

OP should not be doing anything to maintain a bond with step daughter.

You're all crazy!

Clean break is the only way and clean break means no further contact at all.

Sending Christmas and birthday presents? For a child she doesn't see, has no responsibility for and doesn't even know if she'll be given the presents or what she'll be told of she is? Just no.

She's 5, in a while she'll barely remember OP. Also - she's 5, getting presents will make her think OP might be coming back into her life. She doesn't need the memory of OP kept alive.

All this "abandonment" stuff isn't OPs responsibility, it's the child's father's responsibility to manage that situation. The fact he won't bother isn't OPs fault or her problem to fix. She's not this child's social worker or her parent, she's just someone who was married to her dad for a while.

He's the one who chose to bring OP into his DDs life, she shouldn't be berated for that. We're biologically programmed to seek partners, plenty of relationships don't last so there's a lot of single parents out there. It's unrealistic to expect nobody to date them if they're open to dating. OP should not be guilted for coming and going in a child's life when she'd no intention of doing that - she got married FFS! But now she needs to leave this abusive relationship. She has nothing to feel guilty for. Her exiting the child's life is the child's father's fault for treating OP so badly.

She doesn't have time in her life for this child who isn't hers. Her own children, if she goes on to have them, don't deserve to have to share their mother's attention and energy and time, with another child who isn't even part of their family, doesn't love with them and who their mother has no responsibility for. They don't deserve to ever come into contact with this "not quite a sibling"s dad either, who is a piece of shit. Why would OP put herself or her future children at risk of having his control and toxicity in her/their lives?

For one minute stop thinking
"how best to help the child"
and start thinking
"how best to help OP".
Because this is her support thread, not a child safeguarding case that you're responsible for finding the best outcome to.

You make me sick, trying to guilt a woman leaving an abusive relationship into maintaining contact with her abuser.