Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

He seems to be expecting you to walk in full of apologies because he’s so tired. I’d go in the complete opposite direction. My marriage to this man would definitely be over because he’s awful - I would think this is classic narcissism isn’t it?
‘I am absolutely horrified that you took Chloe to the gym. That is piss poor parenting on a different level. Why didn’t you do something fun with her? It is so unbelievably selfish. This weekend has shown me that you are the most selfish person I have ever met. Add to that your sexism is shocking. I would never ever inflict you as a father on my own child, so our relationship is over. Fuck off you utter loser. ‘

If you want to stay and to make some kind of structured compromise, I would suggest saying that you will have her for one evening per week and he has to do the other 2 or 3 that she is with you. AND he has to go to the gym later except on that one day, i.e. after she is in bed.

I would also say that your relationship with him can't be sustained if he is at the gym every day and you should have a couple of evenings a month for just the two of you.

I don't think he will be willing to give up his gym evenings, so you should act appropriately.

If he talks about networking again, going at 6 pm every night isn't networking. It's chilling with the bros and socialising. Networking would be going at different times of the day, so he sees all of his patrons and engages with different people. Seeing the same people at the same time every day offers no benefit to his business at all.

He's a loser. He hasn't parented his daughter this weekend at all. He's spent all weekend at the gym. Does he think that's a safe or fun environment for her? I imagine he's demonstrating to you how terrible DSD life will be if you don't look after her. However, lovely she is, she isn't your responsibility. She's his responsibility. He is failing her. Hes acting like a single, childless person and palming her off on whatever woman will have her. He needs to grown the fuck up.

I don't think it's terrible for a child to sit quietly with a book or an iPad for an hour, amusing themselves while an adult does a class. Obviously in this case he's not bothering to do the actual entertaining of the child the rest of the time which is where the issue comes in.

he is a terrible father.

you would never be able to rely on him if you had a child with him

Fri evening at my DL gym has loads of unhappy children traing after selfish dads

Thanks for checking in OP. You sound really sensible and capable. I think you'd already realised how wrong this set up was before you first posted really, and you've been busy processing it since.

It sounds like DSD is already aware she is missing out on seeing her dad, even when you are there to paper over the cracks. Maybe you stepping back will be a step towards her parents doing better by her than they do at the moment.

I think he might see all this time at the gym as necessary and be convinced that you are the one at fault. You don't actually need to change his mind on this. Set yourself an "agenda" of what you a really want to achieve and don't get distracted into apportioning blame. What do you want tomorrow onwards to look like?

There's often kids at the side of the class, as long as they're quiet no one seems to mind. One gym instructor said her kid learned the routines quicker than most clients!
Also, some gyms have kid clubs like dancing, football etc, or a soft play centre with trained nursery staff. It's a great idea as they enjoy themselves and helps with settling in nursery or school, and a lot of parents can't afford to pay for nursery or childminders just to nip to the gym for one hour, obviously I'm happy to pay for childcare when I'm working, but most parents wouldn't want to pay for a full session if they're just doing an hour workout.
Not the point of the post for you OP, but if this does help any parent reading it who wants to work out, it is worth posting. I get that exercise is really important for mental health, but OP, I still agree you shouldn't be an unpaid nanny!

You sound great. He sounds ridiculous. Get in the bin and find someone on your level

Following as really interested in how he reacts to the "chat". Hope you feel able to update. Fwiw I think dsd is lucky to have you as he sounds lame, immature and self-centred. Let's hope he sees sense for her sake.

I really feel for your DSD. Two parents who don't really want her. You are right though to make a stand and stop providing all the care for her. Her parents need to step up.

Exactly my question.

Just throwing in my tuppence worth.
Don't engage in conversations with him. He will try and twist it/guilt trip/bully you into doing what he wants.
Just disappear and be away out the house as much as you possibly can for a few weeks. Dont engage with him.
Then after a while, when the reality of his new reality has sunk in , maybe talk then and see what can change that would work for you both.

Let him sweat this one by himself for a good while. Don't rescue him or be a verbal punchbag to unleash all his frustrations on.

Sadly, I don't think you will make your husband see how unbelievably selfish he is. There's absolutely no reason why he needs to spend all these hours per week at the gym. You have no 1:1 time, because when he isn't at work, he's at the gym. He spends barely any time with his daughter, because he's not interested in her. All he's interested in is himself, and doing what he wants and when.

He made his daughter accompany him to the gym for hours over the weekend. He couldn't even forego going to the gym for a weekend, to spend time with her. I suspect he stuck her in an office with some colouring, and told her not to interrupt him or passed her to a female member of staff to look after.

When he lived with his Mum, she parented his daughter, and when he got together with you, he's passed that task onto you. The child's Mum isn't much better, passing her daughter over to your husband when it suits her. The poor little girl has two parents who view her as an inconvenience.

Do not under any circumstances have a child with this man. He won't step-up if you were to have a child together. You will be more or less a single parent, bringing up both children. He's a very selfish person, who should have never had children.

Leave the marriage. This will be your life, if you don't.

All the best OP xx

Poor little girl, with 2 parents who won’t put her needs first. Your dh is a dreadful dad.

You are such a strong woman, youre an inspiration, so many women limp along in unhappy marriages, youre taking the bull by the horns and facing it head on.And you're worth much more than been used as baby sitter by him, be prepared when you have a chat he might back peddle and say he will change.
Not to mention that poor little girl subjected to have to sit in a gym, I bet her mother doesn't know about this

You’re worth so much more than this poor excuse of a man and father. Sadly he will not change so go and live your best life.

Oh wow! So really full on at work for you then.
I am drained after a 7:30-5pm shift (called a short day shift!). How are you able to give so much to DSD (when you have a choice not too)? He is extremely lucky to have you but seems he chooses not to value that.
As a fellow medic, i can tell you that you need a partner who will contribute with their time, presence and brain space if you plan on having children and remaining in the profession.
I can tell you it doesn't get better. Been there, got the t-shirt.

What does he actually do at this gym? Sell fitness products? Talk to his mates/women? Is he even at this gym? Some have bars/dining so is he there promoting products?

Wow this arseholes entitlement is next level. He'll have to take his daughter to the gym, on a school night, because you won't be back in time to look after her? Is he really thick or just deaf?

After all you have said to him he is still talking as if you have joint and equal parental responsibility. He couldn't tell you anymore clearly that he has no intention of changing.

I'm not sure if you're married to this prick or not. I hope he's just your partner. Far easier to make an exit.

I'm glad that you're prepared for the inevitable blow back.

He'll pitch a fit when he finds out he's losing his unpaid nanny. What the hell will he do without you? Take parental responsibility? Poor wee lamb. 🙄

Good riddance. He's a bum. His ex sounds dreadful too. I feel very sorry for the little girl. But you're not her parent. And you can't stay just for her sake. 🙁

you and the child are both amazing....you are a doctor, and care too much....which would be fine if you could not have kids and wanted to give this child everything good you can, but that is not the case, as it seems, you want your freedom and a normal decent partner, so.....I cannot see how this can go forward....