Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

I feel so sorry for this child. I wish there was a ‘’miss honey’ ending as someone else mentioned on the earlier thread. You sound like a much better parent!

Please be strong and do not cave in.
If you give this horrible narcissist an inch, he’ll take ten miles.

He should be ashamed of himself. It makes me very sad that there are lovely people out there who can’t have children, and would give their right arm for a lovely little girl.

What about his parents? Do you have contact with them? Do they see their granddaughter regularly?

@seasonofthebitch

As far as I'm concerned the 'shit mountain' you came home to was done deliberately to say "See what happens when you don't do your job?". Because even if he is lazy by nature, I'm 100% sure he wouldn't have left such a horrid mess if he were a single parent and knew he'd have to clean it up in the end. No, it was done to make a point and to 'punish you'. I'm sure he expects you to clean it up 'in the end, when you realize how wrong you are'. He's got another think coming, I'm sure.

I understand you wanting to speak your piece, but what do you expect it to accomplish? If it's to say "Dude, I'm on the nope train to Nope Town, good luck doing it all" that's one thing. But if you think you're going to say something that will end up in a Damascene conversion, I'm afraid you're in for a disappointment.

As far as getting in contact with DSD's mum, do you think it would do any good? Sounds to me as if she'd turn a blind eye in order to keep her own 'free time'.

PS 'tip of a shit mountain' is very descriptive and really good! It succinctly says exactly what it is. Mind if I start using it?

PS get legal advice ASAP. I'd suggest that IF you have decided to split, you table that 'aspect' of the conversation until you've found out your own legal position. Forewarned is forearmed.

You're doing the right thing. I just feel so sad for that little girl with the parents she has😔

OP if you’re done with this marriage, and I hope you are, I would think carefully about next steps.

If your DSd is going to be back with her mum from tomorrow night I would quickly and quietly get legal advice on a split to make sure you don’t do anything that disadvantages yourself. So I might consider grey rocking for a few days, put off any conversation he wants to have because you’re “tired” or if pushed “need to think”. I’m unclear on your housing position, that is important.

Then once ready I would tell him what was going to happen. I wouldn’t get into a lot of back and forth on specifics of why because either it will be your fault for being unreasonable in your expectations (see opting out of family comments) or he will promise he has seen the light and then you’re unreasonable for not allowing him to follow through and giving up on him/DSD. You’re just not happy and the marriage isn’t working for you, that can be enough.

I would not get in touch with the mother - she was clear she wanted no contact. If you are down as an emergency contact at the school I would advise them once you’ve left to remove you as a contact - they can draw what conclusions what they do with that. But if you go around contacting people who have said no to contact and making safeguarding reports it will feed a crazy ex narrative. And whilst he is a crummy parent, it isn’t obvious that anything here would by itself actually be bad enough to get SS involved.

Pretty sure DSD’s mum will be well aware of how much a dick her ex is…

That's a very good point. It's not just lazy, it's dangerous.

You sound like you’re about to deal with this so huge kudos to you. But can you remind him that leaving a bath tub full of water with a little one around (who let’s be honest was probably unsupervised) is a death trap. Very easy to have a drowning accident and thus was drummed into me by a news report once that sadly ended very badly.
You sound like an incredible step mum x

What an awful father. Poor child. But you doing parenting for him does not make things right.
He needs to understand responsibility.

This. And poor DSD.

Just read the updates. If I hadn’t read the first thread, I’d almost think
it was a troll thread because it’s unbelievable that he’s taken a five year to the gym - is she even allowed there?

Wrote the above earlier after the first update and than the phone rang. Can’t believe the subsequent updates. Sorry it’s ended like this.

You need to let dsd mum know how bad the dad is. You amazing strong lady and dsd is richer having know you but dsd dad is a waste of space.

Don't get distracted by him throwing his toys out of the pram this weekend. That's what he wants. He's given you a giant "fuck you" but ultimately you don't want the conversation to get sidetracked into what either one of you did or didn't do on one bad day.

I'm so sorry but at least you have clarification that all he wants you for is child care.

You are a gastro reg. You are on your way to being a Consultant. Dump your trashy DH and concentrate on your career. Other men will be along, most of them better than this one, if you want a father to your potential children.

Does he ever take her to school ?

I think they know, but really don't care.

Yep, my dad was a SAHD in the 80s as my mum had the big job. He did all the housework, got us to school, all the washing, took us to whatever clubs we did, knew all about ballet tights, brownie uniforms etc, made kites with us, built train sets and so on and so on. He had his down time when we were at school, but was on it when we were there.

This man can't be bothered.

Also have a scenario of what is acceptable to you. Is there a compromise which could work for you? I'm not suggesting there is or isn't or should be but it's worth considering, just incase things can be salvaged if you want them to be..
Please go in to chat with a plan tho. Plan for your protection and a place to escape to if it gets too heated

Absolutely agree.
Don't speak to him without a plan to go somewhere or have someone check in on you after 'the chat'.
Really have your head scewed on properly because he is going to be raging with you.

What an awful man, he couldn’t even prioritise her for one weekend

This is awful and at this stage I consider this a deliberate attempt to “show” you that your “services” for the lack of a better term, are needed in the house. I’m not a dramatic person by nature but I’d be furious by his behaviour, and it’s important to remember that even if he hadn’t this wonderful little girl he would still be a selfish arsehole, leaving you at home to pursue interests that are more like an obsession than a career or hobby.

It is so sad that this little girl seems to be passed over by both parents, it sounds as though her mum loves her and definitely tries more than your husband does but maybe she finds parenting alone to be too much, especially with a man child as the father. I’m wondering if you could initiate direct contact with her mum with the longer term view that if you and husband split up in the future that you could still spend time with your step daughter? You have obviously developed a genuine connection with her and it sounds as though she enjoys staying with you. It would be a shame to lose that and maybe starting by sending a photo of her daughter enjoying a lovely moment, and a few words about how her weekend is going could be the way to build up to regular contact, independent of your husband.

I do hope you can work things out without it being at the detriment of your marriage but I said I would mention the above in case it’s something you’re worried about. You have done so much for this man whether he chooses to realise it or not and I hate to see someone being taken advantage of like this. Be glad you haven’t had a biological child with this person, as difficult as it is already.

Or just leaves her to wander about.
My dad used to drop me in a toy shop at the same age and head to the pub, pick me back up on his return and tell me not to mention anything to my mother.

I honestly think men need prescribed parenting courses before the baby is born as much as women need maternity leave. Two world wars destroyed fatherhood for millions of men and their sons. I think a lot of men haven't had a good role model in their own father and honestly don't know what they need to do.

poor you but also poor child.