Unpaid nanny to DSD Part 2

saying “I’ve never felt more alone in a relationship”, I said I’m tired, need to sleep. He said “doing wakeups alone with the child you said was family…”

Honestly, you gotta laugh or you'll cry. He certainly is the centre of his own little universe, isn't he? Everything and everyone must revolve around him and his 'needs'.

Oh to be a fly on the wall during a potential conversation with his ex as he explains why she needs to 'start pulling her weight' with DD by providing 'childcare' so he can go to the gym. Although I expect she'll be on 'his side' and say that you should do it.

Just step away from the responsibility and his 'drama', see a solicitor about what divorce may mean to you, then give him your decision. But don't be surprised if he tries to enlist the ex, his mum, and any sisters he has to bring you back into line. Wimmin, know your place!!!

That poor child.

I hope you can explain clearly and in words of one syllable, how he has done almost nothing as a dad, so how dare he criticise you for not acting like family.

He's burned all his options and can only keep doubling down, I feel concerned that he might lash out😕

May I ask - how long have you been married
and did you live together before marriage ?

“I’ve never felt so alone” = I’ve never had to do this alone before and I hate it and it’s your fault.

“…with the child you said was family” = you have no right to stop doing everything for me child because you said she was your family.

He’s not very clever, he’s insecure, he’s lazy, he’s incompetent, he’s irresponsible. You can do better.

"He came into the spare room saying “I’ve never felt more alone in a relationship”, ... "

Says the man who fucks off at every possible opportunity, leaving his wife sitting alone at home.

OP, I have to agree with pps that the way he is doggedly sticking to his guns is concerning. It's good for you because it vindicates you but it also gives the impression of someone who cant back down & has to be right.
Have you concerns about your safety?

Yes, it's all about him. And did he really say 'the child' about his own daughter??

He is a textbook narcissist. It’s a word that gets flung around a lot nowadays but that’s what he is.

I really hope you got the sleep you need. When my exh and I were splitting up he couldn't stand it when I slept in the spare room. There would be every excuse in the world to disturb me. Hurt, anger, tears, pleading, trying to work thing out. It was just another sign of his self-centeredness and neediness. He could not put me first for one night.

Yes the way he is using her kind words of calling his daughter family. He's taken that, put it in a gun and fired it right back at her. Like she is letting everyone down for not treating his DD like family, making her look like the bad guy.
I honestly wouldn't be discussing anything with him. He will just twist everything.
Have a holiday away from him for a while. Home life won't be worth living.

I think this is perfect, and just maybe, it will give him food for thought and he’ll realise he needs to do better by her. It’s more profound and meaningful than a long winded back and forth argument about how much each of you do and why he “has to network” etc.

Good luck OP you seem like a lovely person.

I too wondered about giving his mum the heads up - just so that she can know that he's bound to be on the ask again shortly. I'm erring on the side of don't, simply because what his mother chooses to do or not do for son isn't anything to do with OP, and OP has enough on her plate without dealing with a MIL who will likely be distressed to hear of the news that her son's marriage is breaking down and therefore the DIL who took over the nannying from her is fucking off and leaving a childcare gap that she's going to be guilted into filling. Again.

I also highly doubt that his mum would support any interventions that flag her son as a less than ideal father to SS. I think if OP makes a safeguarding report it will need to be without MIL.

Fuck me. You are wonderful and yes he doesn’t like your job and wants to put you in your place. If you wanted, you could maintain some relationship with his daughter, seeing her a day a month or something, but I bet he’ll weaponise her and say you are not seeing her ever again to get you to stay.

It feels like weaponised incompetence. I do think lots of women get stuck in unsatisfying relationships because they are exhausted and burnt out due to trying to keep on top of childcare/ cleaning/ work/ food. It stops you being able to think clearly so you just keep plodding forward. I think of it as the donkey effect.

This is excellent. So well put.

What could he possibly say to defend himself.

Do you have contact details for his mum, OP? Given the uselessness of both biological parents for this poor little girl, as his mum has also been taken for a mug in the past and got tired of it, perhaps you could team up, speak to social services and try to get something better in place? You are destined for a better future once you've left this loser. I just feel so sorry for the kid.

Don’t let him guilt trip you! You’ve done the hardest part - bringing it up. Now it’s on the table for discussion when you are ready. It’s important that when you discuss it, you are honest about your feelings and how you interpret his behaviour - do not backtrack (or rather do not let him gaslight you into backtracking) - stick to your guns! What’s meant to be, will be. It will be the right outcome for you OP.

The first paragraph here is not only very well expressed, but true, that is exactly what seems to be happening here.

I think you can simply say "I've seen how you neglect your daughter and it's made me fall out of love with you."

That way there's no argument about how much you do vs what he should expect from you, how you said you'd treat her as family and whatever else he'll say to guilt trip you.

He came into the spare room saying “I’ve never felt more alone in a relationship”, I said I’m tired, need to sleep. He said “doing wakeups alone with the child you said was family…”
I said don’t you dare, you felt practically alone because I didn’t swoop in this weekend and provide childcare. I’m not talking about it tonight. I want to sleep

Do not forget, that this kicked off because you said you were exhausted doing most things for the little girl, and his response to you was suck it up, buttercup. Two days without his nanny and he's "so tired" and "feels so alone" from his "full on days." Aka his wife went away for not even a full weekend. Suck it up, Buttershit.

HOW DARE HE have such transparent double standards for what he expects you to do versus him?!!!!

I bet he takes steroids. This much gym obsession often tends to lead that way.

Manipulative prick. He looked after his kid for 48 hours and he's lonely. I wonder if he considers how lonely you might feel home alone parenting his child every night and trapped in the house while he is " networking".

Quite, he can't even pull a plug out, let alone parent his kid and be a functional partner.

Op, it's fine to feel sorry for the kid, and worried for her but you need to think about you too. She has two parents, you have one life.

Couldn’t put it any better!